CHAPTER 25
My motions were robotic as I locked up Ray’s. I refused to let the pain get to me—at least not until I was somewhere I didn’t have to function normally. Thankfully, I had taken the day off. I already knew there’d be no way I could make it through a work day.
Every task I completed, no matter how trivial, was accomplished on auto-pilot. When I entered the house, goosebumps broke out over my arms at the eerie quiet around me, my movements echoed off the walls.
I pulled out a couple of garbage bags, needing to keep busy. My body felt numb from the onslaught of repressed emotions. I was sure they would bombard me soon enough.
As I started to clean up from last nights party, I found a pair of panties and other things I would never be able to wash from my brain. With that in mind, I disinfected everything, did the dishes, scrubbed the floors, and vacuumed. When I switched the vacuum off, I heard my phone ringing. I made a mad dash to answer it, my heart fluttering in my chest. My dad’s number flashed across the screen, and for a second, I contemplated letting it go to voicemail. As soon as the thought went through my head, though, guilt flooded me.
“Hey, Dad,” I said, plopping down on the couch to stare at the blank TV.
“Hey, young lady. Did the boys make it to the bus okay?”
“Yep, I just got home from dropping them off,” I said still, holding in the tears dammed-up behind my eyes.
“Are you doing alright? Martha and I were talking and if you need us to fly down there, we would be more than happy to see you again.”
“No, I’m fine. Besides, school starts soon, and I wanted to relax until I have to put in my last ditch effort to finish.”
“Are you sure? You still have a long time before you have to start class again. We can go to the zoo or shop for new shoes.”
I smiled at my dad’s attempt to make me happy. “As much as it pains me to turn down new shoes, work is too busy for me to try and sneak away. I promise I'll be fine, but I'll call you if I get too lonely,” I said to placate him.
“Okay, do you want to talk to Martha?”
“Nah, I'm tired. Now that I've seen the boys off safely, I'll probably be out for the rest of the day.”
“Okay, call us if you need anything. Get some sleep, young lady. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
As pitiful as it was, I put on the t-shirt Kill had worn the night before, because it smelled like him. When I reached the bed, I noticed my pillow was gone. I searched the floor and gave up when I couldn’t find it, too tired to care at the moment.
I buried my nose in Kill's pillow. I missed him so badly it hurt. Finally, I let the tears fall. Loud sobs wracked my body as I cried. My phone rang somewhere next to me. At first I thought it was my dad again, but when I saw Kill’s number, the smile on my face was instantaneous. I cleared my throat and wiped my face before I answered, afraid he’d be able to tell I was bawling.
“Hey, Killer,” I answered brightly.
“Miss me yet?” he asked.
I did. The pain I felt without him near was almost crippling. It was ridiculous how much his absence affected me. I wouldn't let him leaving pull me under. I couldn't bethatgirlfriend who crumbled because her boyfriend went away-but it wouldn't stop me from missing him.
“You're gone?” I asked, making him chuckle.
“Well, I miss you, smart ass. I was thinking about what you said before we left.”
My stomach plummeted, wondering if after just a couple of hours on the road, he’d figured out there was no way he could stay committed to me. Maybe he realized my logic had been spot on.
“I know what you were doing, and I'm not going to let you sabotage us. We're perfect for each other. I thought I’d broken down all of your defenses, but I guess a few got by me. I'm not going to hurt you, Slick, and that's something I'm going to have to prove to you. You can push me away all you want, but I'm not going anywhere. You said you trusted me, and I'm holding you to that.”
I listened while tears cascaded down my cheeks. Exhaustion from staying up all night weighed heavily on me, and the emotional roller coaster I’d been riding threw my head into a state of confusion. I stayed quiet, listening to him breathe, relishing the sound. My eyes closed for just a second as I wished he was in my bed with me. I’d told him I trusted him, and I’d meant it. My heart was just bruised from having to let him go.
“Are you there?” Kill asked anxiously.
“Yeah, I’m here. I was just listening to you breathe. I miss that sound. I wasn't trying to sabotage us. It was a stupid thing to say, and I'm sorry. I was just trying to make you laugh. I miss you; that's all.”
“I miss you too. I don’t know how I'm going to be able to sleep without you snoring in my ear.”
I laughed out loud, something I hadn’t thought I’d be able to do for a few days. “I don’t snore.” I felt better just talking to him.
