A faint smile lifted my lips as I pictured myself bundled in my hoodie and walking into Ray's. There had been so much uncertainty in me at that moment.
When I turned in my final chapter, I wrote a note thanking my teacher for giving me the assignment I’d resented in the beginning.
She e-mailed asking if she could meet me to talk about my book. I responded explaining I wasn’t really comfortable doing so and thanked her once again. She threw me for a loop when she asked if she could have one of her peers read my assignment.
It took me two days to reply. In the end, I gave her permission to share my work. Slowly, I crawled out of the depression I’d sunk into while writing.
My smiles formed faster now that my mind wasn't occupied by my past. I stopped ignoring Kill, since I was no longer emotionally draining myself on my days off. He confessed to me the boys had stopped him on many occasions from booking a flight to come check on me.
I was on cloud nine, and the boys were going to be home in a couple of days. We’d made it through his first tour with only minor bumps and bruises.
My phone rang as I lounged on the couch after making the house spotless for the boys' arrival the next day.
“Hello.” I was thinking what a fabulous idea a nap sounded like.
“Faith.”
Dread filled me. Kill’s use of my first name had me bracing for the worst.
“What’s wrong?” My voice was barely a whisper. Fear and worry took over my emotional driver’s seat.
“Well, we were just given a record deal. They want to sign us.” His voice was cold and menacing when he announced what should have been the greatest news of his life.
My heart had plummeted into my stomach. “That’s fantastic news. I'm so proud of you guys. I knew you were going to make it,” I exclaimed, trying to sound enthusiastic.
“Oh, is it? That’s funny, because we're going to decline it.” He was pissed. I could practically hear his jaw clenching in anger.
“What? Why?”
“Because, Faith, Jason’s dad’s advertising firm was listed on the paperwork. In fact, his firm was the one that insured we were on this tour in the first place. Care to explain?” His voice was deadly calm. Every word he spoke felt as if he was ripping our happily ever after away from me. I closed my eyes as tears coursed down my cheeks.
“He’d heard of you and thought the JackholeS would be a good investment. Please, Kill, you have to take the offer. You deserve this chance. You can’t just throw it away.”
“Fuck that. I don’t want anything to do with him. I wouldn't do that to you. I love you. As a band, we decided we weren’t going through with it. D's made a lot of connections. This won't be our only offer. I'm angry you didn’t tell me.”
I clutched at my stomach, as pain coursed through me. They were giving up their dream to protect me. Before the words left my mouth, I hated them. I thought back to all the support the boys had given me, and I remembered the vow I’d made in the garage while listening to them practice. I’d do anything to help them make their dreams come true.
“I won’t be here when you get back, Kill.” My voice coming out strong while my hands shook.
“What the hell does that mean?” He sounded panicked.
I forced myself to keep going. “I won’t be here when you get back. I moved out. Jason came and talked to me while you were gone, and he asked me for another chance. I agreed.” I’d said the one thing that would keep Kill away for good.
He would never pursue me after I’d agreed to go back to Jason. I refused to let him destroy the JackholeS’ opportunity at stardom. They’d been through so much, and I couldn't hurt them.
“NO. You are fucking lying. I know what you're doing. Stop it right now,” he screamed into the phone.
I flinched at the pain in his voice. I absolutely hated what I was doing to him, even if it was for the best. “Please, go back and sign the contract. Or at least stay there and wait for the next one. Go live your life and be the amazing rockstar I know you're meant to be.”
I hung up as Kill yelled at me to stop the bullshit. My phone rang as soon as I clicked end. I turned it off as I went upstairs, letting out a delirious laugh as I stuffed my clothes in a garbage bag. My life had went full circle. The Deja-vu hit me at full force when I threw all of my belongings into my car.
I ran upstairs for a final check. I stripped off Kill's shirt I had been wearing and threw it on the bed before pulling on my hoodie.
My hands trembled, taking me numerous tries to unhook my necklace. I hooked it together after I strung my ring on the chain, and placed it on the night stand. I stared at the two pieces of jewelry, representing the love I had just thrown away.
I put my ringless hand over my mouth to help stifle the sobs as they shook me to the core. My knees went weak, but I refused to let myself fall to the ground. If I did I knew I wouldn't be able to get up.
This was my choice. The boys deserved this chance, and I was going to have to live with my decision. Once Kill realized I was gone he would be able to take the deal without feeling any remorse. I had ruined their opportunity on Thanksgiving, it wasn't going to happen again. I’d always assumed it would be Kill who would move on first, ending our relationship. Funny how life never turned out the way you planned.
