Araxis's head tilted more.I watched him swallow, struggling to bite back whatever subvocal was threatening to tear from his throat.Probably distress.I could feel the expression on my face; I knew how it would make him feel."Today was your day off, Sashen," he offered, quiet."And the play was in abayan.The offer was made – last minute."
Was it that he didn't want to bother me, I wondered distantly, or that it had been easier to attend a last minute event without worrying about bringing me along?Would I know how to behave at a theatrical production?Would I understand what was happening?Would I make the right comments at intermission, laugh at the right jokes, look at him in the right way?
Or, out in public, would the lustre come off entirely and the truth – that I was out of my league, space trash made valuable only through proximity to Araxis – become clear?
Of course he hadn't invited me."Is there anything I should know about Creche Miras," I asked around the tightness in my throat, trying not to imagine our entire creche out together, free from their particularly human burden, "before the meeting?"
Araxis's expression tightened again."You are not working tonight, Sashen.You do not need to be here."
From the meeting room, Vivith said, "As I told you, Araxis, Nishel mentioned after the first act ofThe Swordswornthat he wishes very much to meet Sashen.He has apparently been talking at some length about his aspirations of offering for a virra one day; no doubt he wishes to see if it is worth considering a virra who is not abaya or if that would be too… fraught."
The implication in the way they said it was clear: I was a cautionary tale.
I watched as Araxis stiffened, turning to look at the meeting room, where Vivith was carefully rearranging the cushions and fussing with the lights.There wasn't much to busy themself with: the room was little more than a glossy wooden table, low to the ground, and a selection of plush cushions in emerald green, lit by softly glowing lights overhead that mimicked candlelight.They did like to look busy, though, because it made it easier to make off-handed pissy little comments.
"I came back earlybecauseof this meeting," I said."So I'd like to attend, if it would be helpful."
He didn't look at me then."Give me a moment, Sashen," Araxis murmured, stare pinned on Vivith's moving shape."I must speak with Vivith."And then he crossed the room, stepping into the meeting space, and he pulled the door shut behind him, effectively cutting me out – although the door was ajar, which meant that I could hear most of what followed.
I was tryingnotto eavesdrop, I really was.Except it was hard to avoid when the first words out of Vivith's mouth were my name and an abayan word that translated toshameful.When Araxis spoke, it was too low for me to hear, so I moved away a little further.I reallydidn'twant to know what they were saying, not if that was how they started.Despite my history with the den, there was no part of me that thought it would be either fun or profitable to hear what came next, not when even the beginning had twisted my stomach into a knot.
But because Inmadra was very good, I could understand at least part of what drifted from the room, even if I was trying not to.
They were arguing about me.And from the way our resident cinelaat had said my name, absolutely dripping with scorn, Vivith wasn’t very impressed for reasons I couldn't fathom.I'd come back early, like they'd told me to.I'd shown up and had gotten myself ready so that I could be of use, however they needed – whether that was to dazzle or to scare off the Miras sinnenthi, it didn't particularly matter to me.
And yet, Vivith was hissing my name like I was the devil.
Despite trying not to eavesdrop, my brain couldn’t help but decipher a few phrases that drifted from the meeting room and into our bedroom.Inappropriate, Vivith said, and then a couple words that referred, I was pretty sure, to types of clothing.Was this about how I wasdressed?And then, louder, in a phrase I could actually follow, they said, plainly, "Make him accept your apology, and be done with this.Truly, Araxis – Ah, Nishel of Creche Miras has arrived.I will bring him shortly.See to Sashen, Araxis." With a snap, Vivith opened the other door from the meeting room into the hallway and presumably headed off to fetch our visitor.
I glanced over to the sliver of light spilling from the meeting room into our dim bedroom, and watched as Araxis carefully and quietly stepped back into our room, his shoulders upright.The particular care in his appearance – the glinting threads woven throughout the dark panels of fabric; the beads dotting his crest – struck me anew as I stood there, flushed and uncomfortable.
All he needed was a crown on his head and a sword by his side, I thought distantly.
The black of his eyes warmed as he looked at me, his head tilting just slightly, and then he closed the door behind him.The opaque panels of the door cast dim squares of light across the floor.
Somehow, Vivith was upset about something that both had to do with what I was wearing – even though Araxis hadsaidit would be suitable for the Assembly Halls in Adralne, so I didn't see how it could be inappropriate – and the fact that I hadn't yet accepted his apology.I didn't know how to square that circle, but I knew someone who did, even if he didn't like to tell meanythingthat might help me be less of a walking disaster.
"Well," I said, and I refused to feel uncomfortable about this whole situation because if I wasn't doing something right, it was because Araxis wasn't steering me in the right direction."What's wrong with how I look?"
Araxis blinked, surprised, and I continued, "I mean, that's part of it, right?I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I recognized a few of the words."
Araxis smiled – I could see it was deliberate – although there was a twist of tension he couldn't hide away."Nothing is wrong with how you look, Sashen."He crossed the room on bare feet, quiet as always.
"Obviously there is," I said, still hot and uncomfortable, almost feverish, although I was pretending I wasn't."Don't worry about my feelings.Thick skin, right?Just tell me and I'll fix it."I stepped toward the closet."Maybe you could pick something for me to wear instead?"
Araxis's hand shot out, reaching for me before he thought better of it.It dropped instead to his side, flexing uncertainly.
The only times he touched me now were when I woke from my nightmares and he pulled me out of the spiral into darkness.Other than that –
My jaw tightened.
"I – Of course I will always worry about your feelings," Araxis said."AndI will share Vivith's concerns with you, although they are not valid."
Beyond the shut door, the murmuring of voices sounded.The sinnenthi had arrived, ushered in by Vivith.With the doors closed, their conversation was private – impossible to eavesdrop on thanks to the auditory dampeners which fuzzed out all sounds to soft melodic tones – which meant ours was private too.
I waited, looking at him.
Araxis swallowed, studying me with his liquid black stare.Taking me in as I hovered there, flushed and unhappy.Finally, he exhaled, as if steeling himself."May I touch you?"Araxis asked.
