"Our Avelthe was afraid to go into the shipping container to be detained," he gasped out, and my chest ached at the thought."He struggled and Crozani –"
I didn't need Elethenn to tell me.I could imagine what had happened.
"Okay," I murmured, finally pushing myself to my feet."Well, you came through when it mattered, I guess."
"I didnot."His voice was like broken glass, nothing but sharp edges and the taste of blood."You – you must tell our – your Araxis of my – failure, my – betrayal.He will – He will know how best to hold me to account for what I have done."
Oh, I was definitely telling Araxis.He was going to get a full account, and Elethenn was going to be the one to tell him – but if anyone understood that people could do awful things and still deserve a chance, it was Araxis.There was no one kinder.We both knew that.
"You can start by helping me pack a few things for everyone," I said, quiet but firm.I looked around the closet again, scooping up Araxis's swords before grabbing a zippered bag from my crate that I'd put there for safe keeping.I threw it into my pack, wedging the swords under my arm as Elethenn drifted out of the doorway to hover in the middle of the room.
"When I first met you, I would have done anything Nime asked of me without a second thought," said Elethenn as he stared toward the windows, his voice a thousand light-years away.I studied the line of his broad shoulders, which were still trembling; his dark crest, tied hastily into a knot.I couldn't see his face, but I knew it well: his mismatched eyes, that startling scar, and the unseen shadows behind it all."But – but Nime isnotkind, and I should have refused him.It would have been better to be crecheless for the rest of my life than to do what he tasked me with.Itisbetter to be alone than to return to him."
Elathe, I thought distantly, knowing the shape of that word well.I chewed it over, looping off the ties of the bag and hefting it up.I still didn't understand the relationships that abaya had with their head of house, or branch, but that didn't just sound like the usual type of fealty."So, Nime of Creche Hanalthi," I said carefully, remembering what Elethenn had said about the person he'd seen before, in a relationship that had been casual to him – but not to Elethenn."Would he be...your beloved?"
Elethenn nearly flinched when I said the word."He would not say so, I am certain," he murmured, which was all I needed to know about that.
In the end, it wasn't easy to hate Elethenn, especially not after he'd helped me take our creche back, and I didn't want to anyway.Maybe forgiveness was like a muscle: you got better at it the more you used it.Then again, I hadn't forgiven him.Maybe I just pitied him instead.Thatwas certainly easy; it was like feeling bad for a dog who'd been beaten and still nosed around the household, hoping for the gentle hand rather than the cruel one, but taking either just the same.
"Well, I'm glad you decided to develop a massive crush on Araxis instead so that you could finally see thatNime–" the name tasted bitter in my mouth, "fuckingsucks.I mean, don't expect it to go anywhere, but clearly Araxis is the better choice."Elethenn turned to look at me, startled, but I ignored the particular panic in his features and instead held out Araxis's swords for him to carry."So, like, obviously, fuck you for what you did, but Nime of Creche Hanalthi should just go die in a hole somewhere and we could all count that as a general improvement in the state of the galaxy.Now are you going to take these?"
His face was a mask, tense and tremulous all at once, the line of his mouth still unsteady as he stared at me, eyes shiny.
I didn't want to see him cry again.I wanted to go pick a few things from the suite and then get the fuck out of here, and Idefinitelydidn't want to continue to have heartfelt fucking conversations in a room with two corpses.So I wiggled the swords where they hovered between us."Look, I can't carry everything.I told you: I got stabbed yesterday, and youknowI just got shot with a blaster.Afew times, even.Come on, sinnenthi: step up."
I watched the change in him, as if he was being poured into a new shape – still liquid, still becoming, but...changing.He straightened carefully, chin rising just a fraction of an inch.Elethenn took Araxis's gleaming swords, setting the plant carefully aside first before strapping the belt around his hips.He then offered a hand for my bag – which, fair, was really fucking heavy, the seams complaining at how much I'd crammed into it – which I reluctantly gave to him.
Only when we left the room and started to work our way down the hallway did Elethenn actually find words again."I had not realized that...Araxis spoke with you about what I told him.And – I – I would never attempt to intrude."He followed me as I grabbed an empty bag from Thodin's room, and started collecting the items I found scattered throughout our creche-mates' quarters that looked particularly sentimental: a collection of rings in a dish; a small portrait of an unfamiliar abaya; a journal where I knew Celravi kept fragments of poetry she liked."I would – Even if I had not...made myself deplorable, I – Sashen, I do understand that culturally, there are...expectations that you would have and –"
I looked up from the pile of papers I was carefully pulling together in Evreni's workspace."Sorry, is this your attempt at telling me that you're not going to try and fuck my sinnenthi?"
Elethenn flushed immediately, miserable."As I have said it to your Araxis, I will say it to you: I would never intrude on what you share.You have said – you havesaidyou know...what I feel.I only wish –"
"You know," I said, irritated and fucking tired and also so deeply over the idea that what should matter, in this situation, was the fact that my friend had a crush on my boyfriend, "in the grand scheme of things, Elethenn, I just really don't fucking care how you feel about Araxis.I care about keeping him alive.I care about our creche.I care about fucking over the Concord and making sure that they can'teverhurt anyone I loveeveragain.Whether or not you want to go for a tumble with Araxis or jerk off while thinking about him or write him poetry orwhatever, I justdon't care.I don't get jealous, and even if I did, it's just too small and insignificant of a thing to register on my radar right now.So, maybeyoushould go find a few things that belong – thatbelongedto our Avelthe so we can bring them back to Yalrinn and Evreni.I think they'd like that fucking comfort, don't you?"
He inclined his head and headed to their bedroom, while I pretended that I hadn't sent him on that particular mission because the thought of doing it myself hurt with the sudden sharpness of a cracked rib.I slipped into Elethenn's room while he was down the hall, looking around as if that might help me understand what the fuck had happened with him and how I'd missed it.As if I might, by looking at his room, uncover how I could have been thinking of him as my closest friend in the creche while he was, in truth, a stranger.
His room was spartan: it might as well have been empty, a spare room for visitors except lacking any of the warmth you might add to make a guest feel at home.As if he hadn't expected to stay, not really; as if he couldn't allow himself to get comfortable, to make himself at home.A prison cell.In fact, the only thing I thought Elethenn might have brought that was his own was the very finely woven cloth, white and black and green, that he'd always had with him at the dumpling cart.I picked it up and folded it carefully, before adding it to the bag I was hauling around.
By the time I made it back to the hall, where Elethenn was waiting with another small bag dangling from one elbow, my wristband had buzzed again with a message from Araxis.I'm just outside.Are you armed?
I flicked a call open, not trusting messages from anyone these days."Of course I'marmed," I said, as Araxis's face swam up in front of me while I walked down the hall toward the kitchen."Besides, I'm pretty sure my entire body counts as a deadly weapon at this point."
I played it off like a joke, but the words were ashen in my mouth.Araxis nodded, though, taking me at face value."I have a shuttle waiting for us at the inter-ward station around the corner.There are no guards in the area, and the park is busy: there is a public dance class of some sort happening.Neither Naival or Hanalthi would move openly.What they do is private."
I made a wistful sound, jerking my chin at Elethenn and gesturing toward the kitchen.Elethenn did best when he had a task, so he headed off to corral Talvi, who had nodded off at the dining room table.On impulse, I went over to the cupboard and hauled a couple of mugs out, adding them to the bag that was now perilously full."Do you think we have time?"I asked.
"For what?"
"The dance class," I intoned as Talvi reached for Elethenn, who picked them up and held them against his chest, his eyes shiny again, as if the sleepy trust of a child might break him anew."It's been ages."
The breath Araxis fluted out was surprised, and had the suppressed edge of a trill.Which was fair: it wasn't really a day for laughing."I promise you, beloved, that we will have as many afternoons for dancing as you wish once we leave this station."
"I want it on the record," I said, catching Elethenn's stare and smiling, trying to forcibly buff some of the sorrow from his features.We had too much to do to be sad.This was exactly what dark corners of your soul were for."You heard that, Elethenn.Araxis promised me as much dancing as I want."
"Iheard!"said Talvi, blinking and stretching.Amazing what some snacks could do, even after what had to have been a harrowing day for a child.
It had been harrowing for all of us, maybe, and I knew it wasn't over yet."Alright, we're on our way."I ended the call and opened the front door to our home on Sozamia Station, and when I walked out, I didn't look back – not even once.
