The darkness was there, yes – but maybe if I stopped feeding it only the worst things about me, the worst things that had happened, maybe I could make it a little less dark.Maybe I could make it a little less awful.
At least I could try.I was ready to.I'd said months ago that I would have liked to try with Araxis too, and now – now I thought I could.
That night, our last night in Primus territory, Araxis rolled me onto my back in bed, propped up on one arm as he looked down at me."Are you ready for what awaits us?Tell me truthfully.I know it is a great deal, all of this."He asked me seriously, like if I said no, he'd hit pause and we'd wait until Iwasready.One of his hands traced the length of my neck, a gentle touch as he stared down at me.
"I'm as ready as I can be," I said, shifting beneath the welcome weight of his body."Iam.And what I don't know, you can tell me, or Inmadra can.Vivith would probablylovethe chance to tell me I'm being stupid about something.We've got a whole new dynamic to work out.I don't mind being put in my place."
His lips had twitched, then, as he studied me.His hand shifted, his thumb tracing the line of my jaw, the plush swell of my lip."Hm, is that so?And what place do you wish to be in tonight?"
I caught his waist with my hands and rolled, reversing our positions so that he was arrayed beneath me, his dark eyes sparkling, his breath catching in his throat.He did like it when I moved him forcibly, and while I knew he was strong enough that he didn'thaveto along with it – stars, I liked that he did.
I studied Araxis, the column of his throat, the halo of his unbound crest, the fan of his dark lashes.I reached and tilted his chin to one side, dipping my head to press a kiss against his throat, to scrape my teeth against the skin there as a short moan slipped from his mouth."I'm exactly where I want to be," I murmured, hoarse, and when he caught my mouth with his, his tongue slick against mine as his hips ground up against me, I didn't have it in me to be afraid about going to Xitera.I didn't have the space in my body for trepidation.All I felt was certainty and the pleasant, tight twist of anticipation – of all we might accomplish, together.
Chapter32
Meteor
Icouldn't sleep.I know, Iknow, Araxis said everyone needed to be well-rested for the burn, and it was particularly important for me.I'd messaged Val, way back on Sozamia, about what I could expect formyphysiology when we burned, and I hadn't especially liked the answer.It's not as bad if you're a passenger, she'd explained,because you don't get the hallucinations – or maybe you do, but you won't remember them, in any case.It hits hard, and everyone reacts differently depending on how sensitive you are to the Maelstrom.I'm guessing you're going to have a rough go based on those scans on the judiciary ship (sorry!).Brace yourself for the universe's nastiest nosebleed, and then you'll feel like your soul has been scattered across twelve different dimensional planes and it'll take you about a week, probably, to feel normal again.Sometimes when I come out, my skin feels particularly wrong and I want to peel out of it – but please remember to keep your skin where it belongs.You'll be fine!Just hydrate and get lots of sleep.And I'll see if I can get you some meds we've prototyped to turn down some of the nastier side effects.
Burning the Maelstrom was bad enough for everyone else.Buteveryone elsewasn't a human with a squishy brain that did weird things in the chaotic layer of space-beneath-space.The closer we came to the burn, the more my dread took on a palpable heft.And so of course I couldn't sleep, even though I needed to, even after Araxis had made me come so hard that I'd forgotten, for a full ten seconds, that in less than a day we'd have to make the jump to Xitera.
So, because I wasn't able to sleep, I drifted downstairs to make tea.Maybe I could go swing some swords around if the tea didn't help, or run laps in the training room.I hadstrategies.And if I could tire myself out, maybe I could sleep; and if I could sleep, maybe I wouldn't have nightmares; and if I didn't have nightmares, then maybe my body wouldn't kick up such a fuss about being forcibly dragged through the space-time friction of the Maelstrom.
But when I walked down to the second deck of the ship, I was surprised to see light already spilling out from the open dining room door.I drew up short, uncertain, as I heard the murmur of voices.I didn't want to go crawl back into bed, but I didn't want to interrupt either.I was about to try and sneak past the door and down to the training room when I heard the unmistakable sound of my own name, and that forced my hand.Now it would seem like I'd been eavesdropping if I didn't make myself known, so I chose the least horrible option and poked my head around the corner.
"Hi," I said, as Vivith and Inmadra both blinked up at me from the table."Sorry – I was just going to make tea.I can leave."
Inmadra frowned."If you want tea, then of course you should have some.Here: I was about to make another pot.This is a fortuitous coincidence, is it not, Vivith?"
I wasn't sure I liked the sound of that.Vivith shot me a prickly look, as if they'dknownI'd accidentally eavesdropped.At once, Inmadra reached and flicked one finger hard against Vivith's wrist, and they jerked."My apologies," they muttered with a tiny shake of their head as Inmadra rose and walked toward the kitchen."You see why I am in need of your guidance."
"I can see that you are young and inexperienced, yes," said Inmadra."Sashen, would you care to sit?"
From Vivith, it would have been a command.My stare darted between the two of them, and I slowly inched into the room, the air thick and tense as I leveraged myself down, careful to pick a side adjacent to Vivith.Soft sounds echoed from the kitchen as Inmadra began setting out the tray for tea.
"So," I said after the silence had become unbearable, Vivith staring off into the corner of the room and pointedly not talking to me."Are you… all healed up?"Their arm had been in a sling all week, and they weren't wearing it now.
"Your concern istouching," they drawled."Although you did not think to extend such thoughtfulness to retrieving anything of personal value from our suite on Sozamia.Of course that is fine: I would hardly have wanted you pawing through my things anyway."
There was a loud clatter from the kitchen as Inmadra thunked the teapot down with more force than was necessary.
At once, Vivith ducked their head and I stared at their deferential posture, bewildered.
"You are kind and generous," said Inmadra from the kitchen, "to think on our Vivith's well-being when they have been so inhospitable.I am certain you were busy at the suite, and everything has been packed now to come to Xitera with a Creche Eshos vessel."
I fought against squirming where I sat.What had I walked into, exactly?
Vivith's dark stare darted to mine, their features rife with unhappiness, and then they exhaled a long, flat breath."Yes, I am healing well.I suppose I should thank you for asking."Then, hushed as if talking to me (me!) in confidence, "I have been speaking with our Inmadra about my failures to – conduct myself as a cinelaat ought to.She is quite exacting, which is precisely what I suspect I need."
It was a strangely vulnerable thing to admit, considering Vivith hated me and they must have also hated asking for...guidance.They must have hatedtellingme.And while part of me was immediately suspicious, I decided then that maybe being kinder to Vivith also meant talking to them like I would to any other creche-mate."I know.She's a great teacher, even if she's terrifying," I said, leaning forward a little and pitching my voice too low for Inmadra to hear from the kitchen."And she's fuckingmean– but in a good way, right?"
A sharp, startled trill escaped Vivith's throat, their hand flying upwards."Hm, and yet you don't particularly care for it whenIam mean to you."It was an attempt at a joke, I thought, but there was also a question there, Vivith's dark stare a bit… uncertain.As if they really didn't understand the difference.
Way back when I'd resolved to stay with Creche Thiel for at least a year, I'd thought that Vivith and I were going to need to figure out how to tolerate each other.I'd been certain I might make Vivith like me – I wasgoodat that – but then, as things had unfolded on Sozamia, I'd more or less given up.
Which wasn't like me.Alet Trident had often said that it was my stubborn streak that convinced her to keep me when I spilled out from that storage closet on her ship; she didn't want someone around who was just going to give up when things were difficult.But here with Creche Thiel, I'd been quick to throw in the towel with Vivith.If I was staying for real, and Iwas, I'd have to put in the work, so I decided to take the question in earnest rather than anticipating a trap of some sort."The difference is that Inmadra is mean to me withaffection," I said."When you're mean to me, it's because you think I'm awful.You look at me like I'm garbage, and I don't particularly like being reminded that I'm space trash.It's not that you're wrong.I just like pretending sometimes."Just like I was currently pretending that admitting that hadn't made my throat go dry and tight, uncomfortable.
It was then that Inmadra returned with the tray, settling down on Vivith's other side and carefully pouring three cups of tea.She passed one to me, and then placed one in front of Vivith before taking her own."And what might you say to that, Vivith?"she asked, prim in a way that I knew meant she thought Vivith was being particularly stupid.
