I stared at him, incredulous.His hands drifted to his waist, curling the hem of his shirt in his long fingers."The literature, huh?"I asked, settling on one of my questionable sweaters – the gray one with uneven cuffs; at least is wasn'ttoolumpy, and it entirely covered the junction of my neck and shoulder – and my usual jumpsuit.
"I have been doing some… reading," Araxis explained as we stepped into the bedroom.He looked nervous.He wasactingnervous.
"And what has your reading been telling you?"I asked, amused.He was awfully cute like this.
"For many humans, dating involves a series of social encounters and activities meant to allow prospective partners to come to understand each other better and to determine compatibility.Common activities include cultural outings, athletic activities, sharing food and drink, and taking in local sights.Sometimes it involves the introduction to family and friends, depending on how far along those involved are in the dating process."He said it like he was reciting something he'd had to learn for school, and he looked at me afterwards like he expected a correction.
I felt a slow smile catch my mouth, and I had to look away so he didn't think I was laughing at him."Yeah, that's about right.Although it was a bit different on Seraphim.Lots of praying and reading the litany or the Words of Wisdom."I paused, wondering how, exactly, he'd come across this information.Then again, I'd learned more about humans from the Primus datasphere than I had on Seraphim, so the information was definitely out there."So we're going to Glimmer Ward?"
"I have called for an inter-ward shuttle, if you would walk with me to the transit station," Araxis said, tipping his head toward the door of our bedroom.I grabbed my bag with the things I needed for Radiant Ward – just a few of the supplies Rodil had asked me to pick up and a change of clothes for Tam's – and followed him.
We passed by Vivith in the hall as they were carefully packing a satchel with documents for their imminent meeting with Ai'lun Industries in Central.Their black stare flicked up as I tugged on my boots, lips tightening into something dangerously close to a sneer.They waited until Araxis had stepped out the door before saying, flat, "How nice it must be to have time forleisure.He would not want you to work too hard, I gather."
My heart immediately thudded in my chest, as if getting ready to fight – but I didn't want to spare Vivith any energy, not today.If they wanted to be catty, that was fine; I knew how to handle that.I shot them a look over one shoulder, and put on my most earnest expression, which I knew would piss them off."Yeah," I said, "It is.Maybe you should try getting a hobby besides making shitty comments no one cares about."And then, with a flash of a smile, I shut the door behind me, closing away their startled expression and giving my hands the tiniest shake, as if their sneering disdain was something I could physically remove.
I smoothed away any irritation from my expression, and followed after Araxis.The moment we hit the expansive boulevard, he adjusted his pace so that he was walking by my side, his hands clasped carefully behind his back as he asked, "Did you – date anyone on Seraphim?Or on Yellow Fin?"
"No.I mean, theytriedon Seraphim," I said with affected ease.I hated to think about it, but he wanted to know."They really hoped that my last stint in re-education would do the trick, but the only person I wanted to date was my best friend, and, uh, I definitely didn't want toread the litanywith him."I played it off like a joke, although it had been one of the worst times of my life.I remembered sitting in a room with Shepherd Jariden and some girl who'd probably had as much interest in boys as I did in girls – Mirah, maybe, or had it been Nadira?– while we took turns reading some very pointed verses from the Book of Devotion about the promises of a fruitful union when you followed the holy template for family and desire.
"Am I correct in understanding that their concern was that you are aman," he said the word like it was foreign to him, which I guess it was, "and that you are not attracted towomen?"
It seemed so incredibly obvious that, for a moment, I actually wondered if he was fucking with me.I'd explained before.I'd tried, anyway.Then again, Araxis had said that it was different for abaya: there weren't restrictions on who you could be attracted to.There were just restrictions in three thousand other ways.
"I mean, that's part of it," I said carefully, not particularly wanting to think about what had happened to Mirah-Nadira and if she'd ended up married with children or if she'd been relegated to work herself to death in one of the factories or mines on-planet."Although even if Iwasattracted to women, the issue is that I'm also attracted to other people.To different genders, and entirely different species.And then there's the rest of me that they didn't like either."
"That you like to have sex," said Araxis, his features pinched with confusion.“And that you’re unashamed.”
I laughed, weary."There's that, sure, and I'm also just not a particularlymasculineperson."I had to use the English word; there wasn't one in Standard that worked."It's kind of like being skoshas, I guess.My gender isman, and I guess that’s how I feel, but I don't read in the way everyone on Seraphim expected.There are things I do – how I talk, sometimes, or how I move, what I'm interested in, how I relate to people – that seem more like… a woman?On Seraphim anyway.I don't think it's that way everywhere."
I didn't particularly like talking about this, just like I didn't like the way that unpacking it made my heart stutter uncomfortably, my lungs a little breathless.I chewed on the inside of my cheek, biting down hard enough to hurt.That helped.
"Hm.And how did they expect you to act?"
How the fuck did I explain masculinity or how it had been implicit in everything we did on Seraphim?"Uh – well, I guess… Strict?Confident?Intellectual instead of emotional?Men are the religious and community leaders, so they – take charge too.They have authority and make decisions.Maybe like arkathi?Women, on the other hand, are supposed to be submissive and soft, gentle and emotional.Nurturing."There was a thought; I almost laughed, thinking of my mother."Not that they all are."
"I would imagine not.And these two categories are meant to somehow containallof the people of Seraphim?"He looked bewildered.
It wasn't like having eleven genders solved that problem – and of course Araxis knew that."I think the problem with any system is that there are going to be a lot of people who don't fit tidily into boxes, and if they don't fit into boxes, then everyone who is emotionally attached to those categories loses their shit, and that's why we have things like re-education camps and… crecheless abaya."Then, because I really didn't want to think about Seraphim any more, I steered us in another direction with a firm hand."So, no, I haven't dated anyone.Andyouhaven't dated anyone, obviously.Abaya don't date.So – whatdoyou do?"
"You're correct.We do not date," Araxis said, "but we do court.There are some similarities, but I gather that dating is different in that the intent from the outset is not necessarily a long-term partnership.It is an exploration.Courtship has a clear end in mind.It is an opportunity to demonstrate one's worthiness to be a romantic partner, one's capacity to meet the needs of another."
I turned that over in my mind, uneasy.He'd courted me before, I knew that much, just like I knew how easy it was to get swept up in the romance of that cultural practice.I wasn't sure if I wanted that again.I wasn't sure if I wanted that right now, or if I ever would.If he was going on a date with me, was Araxis also courting me?Couldhe court someone who'd already declared for him?
"Huh.Sounds serious," I said, distant.
Some of my trepidation must have leaked through, because Araxis tilted his head, his smile in place even if it looked just a little sadder."You will note that I am taking you on adate, Sashen," he intoned."Don't be presumptuous."
It was exactly what I needed to hear.I scoffed and he escorted me to the private shuttle that was waiting for us at the transit station, while I launched into an overview – maybe a little frantic – of everything I knew about other cultures' rituals and practices around dating and courtship.Thankfully, it was something I knew about in pretty exhaustive detail.I had a lot of encyclopedias saved to the datasphere; that's where any of my spare credits, few though they were, had gone when I'd been at the den.
By the time we arrived in Glimmer Ward, I'd almost entirely forgotten that I had mixed feelings about – doing this, I guess.As our conversation drifted pleasantly from topic to topic while we were tucked side-by-side in the little shuttle that zipped along the outside of Sozamia Station, it was almost possible for me to believe that we'd somehow reversed the past, that we had stumbled into an alternate timeline in which thiswasa date, in which wewerejust getting to know each other.
We docked at one of the exterior transit stations of Glimmer Ward and immediately walked into a frenetic spill of lights, crowds, and a dozen different types of music throbbing from a dozen different arcades and clubs.I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jumpsuit, threading through the crowd as Araxis led us down one of the thoroughfares with its spill of colour, conversation, and pulsing neon."Have you been down here before?"I asked, jogging to catch up as he walked with purpose.
I'd already spotted a few heads and other appendages craning in our direction.I knew what that meant, but if Araxis hadn't been out of Verdant Ward yet –
"I have been to Glimmer Ward before," he said, his skin glowing a lush blue as we passed beneath a massive shimmering sign advertising the finest dancers within."On a supply run, well before the Tournament.Do not worry, Sashen: I know where we're going."
We climbed up a metal walkway that split the avenue into an upper and lower tier – which also meant that the avenue narrowed as it connected us to the different levels of Glimmer Ward.And proximity, I had learned, went a long way toward dissolving any reticence people had about approaching someone who'd been on broadcast once and was therefore, weirdly, a bit of a public figure.
