It seemed, a week on, a pretty loud silence.So, watching the expanse of his shoulders, I said, "You haven't asked me about it.About Radiant Ward."
Araxis stopped typing.His head tilted, his dark stare shifting to meet mine."Did you...want me to?Your personal time is your own."
"Are you curious, at least?Or –" and the thought came to me suddenly, my stomach twisting unpleasantly."I guess everyone must have told you everything already."Vivith definitely would have.
Araxis lifted his shoulder in his abayan shrug."Based on those you've brought to our creche, and how you've come to know them, I believe I have put together an understanding of how you've been using your time.I have not asked any of them, however.It does not matter."
I felt weirdly deflated, hearing that, and it must have shown on my face – I swear, I used to be better at hiding things – because Araxis added, in a rush, "It is not that I'm not curious, Sashen.Or that I don't care.Rather –" He fluted out a sound, one that was a bit weary."I am trying to give you space.I am trying to respect your boundaries, to listen to what you tell me, to not get involved when you have not asked for me to.I would like to know everything about you, Sashen; I would spend every moment with you if I could.But I understand why you would not want this."His jaw worked for a moment, and then he said, as he always did on my days off, his voice low and sincere, "I wish to apologize to you, if you are willing to hear it."
I looked away, staring out the window to Verdant Ward beyond.My hands were curled around a cup of tea, one that Valerie had sent that was a mix of mint and lavender and other flavours I'd almost forgotten after leaving Seraphim.My fingers drummed against the cup.
"I don't know," I said finally, my chest tight."Not today, I don't think.But maybe.Maybe soon.I think I'm getting close to being ready."
And I was.I could feel it inside of me, like new skin growing over an old wound, shiny and tender butthere.
When I looked back at Araxis, he had gone perfectly still, his eyes bright with emotion.He nodded once, cleared his throat, and mumbled something about needing to check in with Inmadra about a trading contract they'd drafted up before rushing from the room and leaving me on my own.
I let myself sit there, drinking my tea and thinking about what it might mean to hear his apology.It wasn't like hearing what he had to say meant that I would forgive him.It wouldn't mean everything that had happened would be obliterated from the past.Abaya, from what I'd gathered, didn't believe inforgive and forget; sins didn't vanish, even when they were addressed.They became part of the fabric of a person, a relationship, a creche, another chapter in a story.
And hearing it also didn't mean that I was agreeing to stay with him.It didn't mean I was deciding what came next.He knew that, otherwise he wouldn't have asked on my days off.Araxis had been so respectful and mindful of our contract; he'd wanted to give me the space I requested.
It was definitely ameproblem that I both wanted space and detested it, all at the same time.
It might have been nice to go into things slower, I thought distantly.I'd told him on the ship, back before the Tournament, that I would have liked to try having something with him, although I was new at it and a mess and didn't know what the fuck I was doing.
Of course, Araxis didn't know either.Neither of us knew.We would have been muddling our way through in the best case scenario; instead, we'd been shoved – Araxis had shoved us; Vivith had shoved us – into the worst possible crucible for our burgeoning… bond.
But despite that start – despite it all – we were still building something, or trying to.
I flashed up the interface on my new wristband, which Araxis had insisted on buying for me with all of the latest security features after making a big show of getting all our creche-mates new tech so that I wouldn't get squirrely about my contract again.I pulled up my message interface and opened our glowing pink message thread.
If you asked me out on a date today, I wrote carefully,I would say yes.I bet Rodil would even let me leave the creche if I went somewhere with you.It's my day off and my client is really great about making sure I have time to do what I want to do.Just in case that might interest you.And then,And just so you know, this would be our third date.Those are special, and I've beenverywell-behaved so far.I know you're busy, but consider it food for thought.I sent it away before I could change my mind.
It felt like all of two minutes had passed before Araxis slipped back into our bedroom.He stood by the door, hands tucked behind his back."Sashen," he said, "Would you like to travel with me today for an outing?"
I blinked at him, a smile slowly spreading across my features."Oh, is this a work thing?I'm off today.Sorry."
His lips twitched in amusement, although he quickly schooled his face to seriousness."Ah, I see you are confused.You work for the head of Creche Thiel, yes?I am simply Araxis.It is easy to confuse the two of us."
"Oh, right, sure.I can see that," I said."Well,Araxis, what did you have in mind?"
"Have you been to the botanical gardens in Central Ward?"
He knew I hadn't, so I shook my head and waited.
Araxis stepped into the room a little further, flushed silver."If that would interest you," he said, "I would be happy to take you there.I should clarify: this would be another date.I seem to recall you enjoy trees.I also seem to recall that you were very upset you could not accompany the children on their field trip to said gardens."
I narrowed my eyes at him."You're indulging me, aren't you?"
"It would be my pleasure to indulge you in any way you wish, beloved," he said, eyelashes fluttering a little as he looked at me.The fuckerknewI was weak for that.
"So long as you don't get anyideas." At his confused look, I added, "You know, given that it's our third date."
His cheeks glowed a rosy pink, pleased, his head ducking just slightly – like he was shy.Deferential, in his own way."I would never," he murmured, and when he looked up at me, his eyes were bright and warm."Although I am certain I do not know what you mean.I have read nothing about the significance of the number of dates or common understanding for permissible forms of physical contact."
Stars, what I wouldn't give for some physical contact of the permissible or non-permissible kind.
"So when are we going?"I asked, setting the remainder of my breakfast dishes aside and pushing myself to my feet.My muscles still twinged in protest, but my head didn't throb anymore when I stood up.
