"I'm sorry," I said."We don't have to talk about this."Vivith and Araxis had both been emotional when Thalidi's name came up at the suite, as if speaking about her made them raw and vulnerable.Of course I couldn't just ask for Araxis to tell me all about his worst losses, his most painful experiences.What the fuck was I thinking?
"There is no need to apologize," Araxis murmured, his stare drifting away toward the door before us.He began to walk toward it, and I followed, listening."In fact, they are connected.Thalidi selected me to be head of house.She saw in me a – particular capacity for the burdens of leadership, whereas Thalidi considered Vivith's potential to be… unclear.Vivith is arkathi, yes, but only just.Or so it was decided, and I therefore received special training.Thalidi and I spent countless hours together.Vivith has, perhaps, always been prone to… jealousy.The root becomes clear when you consider how our paths diverged at such a young age, and why.It is considered healthy for a child to spend time learning from an adult of the same gender when possible, but I monopolized our Thalidi's time."
We stepped to the door, Araxis opening it for me, and crossed into the dimly lit space between worlds again.As if by some unspoken agreement, we lingered there.
"I don't get to speak of her very often now.Our Thalidi was the kind of leader I aspire to be; she is the standard I will always fail to live up to, and yet will continue striving toward.And I am certain she would have liked you a great deal, Sashen.She was – quite radical in her beliefs, and unafraid to speak her mind in the Assembly.She would have chosen death over compliance any day."He exhaled, then, and looked at me, his eyes bright and wet."Much like you."
She would have been everything to Araxis when he was a child, and then she'd been killed for using her voice.It was devastating, the kind of tragedy that left deep scars.No wonder he hesitated to agitate in the way he believed she would have wanted; he'd lost everything, and yet she was the blueprint.What did that leave him for a future?How courageous did he have to be to face it nonetheless?
My chest constricted, and I couldn't help myself: I closed the space between us, tugging Araxis close so that I could fold him into my arms.I pressed my mouth to his temple, not quite a kiss, and inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with the scent of him."I'm sorry," I repeated, holding him tight, his hands gently drifting to rest on my back, tentative."And, just to reiterate where I stand in all of this,fuckthe Concord.Point me at them, and I'll put all of what I've got into messing up every single one of their shitty plans.I'm pretty good at getting in the way: I can beveryannoying."
He trilled, wet sounding, but when I released him, Araxis had composed his face to something neutral.I pushed open the next door, and we made our way into a thick and dark forest, the branches of the trees so dense that it felt like we were walking between two very green and fragrant walls.
Araxis's shoulder nudged mine as we strolled, the trees overhead creaking gently in the gardens' generated winds."Our creche was small when we left: Thalidi chose those she trusted most to be with her hatchlings.Then, we were led by an entinn, Inniral, who took over the work of raising us.I spent a great deal of time with them before they died.It is why –"
He stopped talking as we passed through a clearing, the boulders demarcating its boundaries draped in a brilliant tapestry of moss growing in colours I didn't know plants could even be – teal and lime and the startling black of the void.Araxis stopped to stroke the plush surface of the moss, his stare distant.
"Why what?"I asked, standing close to him.Close enough that I could smell his skin, even with the fragrance of the trees and soil heavy in the air around us.
"Vivith said I was confused because I was so attached to Inniral," he said finally, still touching the moss.His hand drifted to the granite, which he also traced with his long fingers."I had learned to be a leader from an entinn, and so I had gotten – muddled."
A second-hand outrage kicked my pulse into gear as I felt the impulse to track Vivith down and rip them a new one.I'd suspected – I think I'd known – that it was Vivith who had made Araxis doubt himself.They'd encouraged his shame instead of building his confidence.For a cinelaat, who was meant to be a wayfinder, they had done a pretty shit job; they'd even done a shit job by the meagre measure ofhow to be a decent person.
"Fuck that, what a stupid thing to say," I said, chest tight."That's like – So on Seraphim, when I told my age group teacher that I had a crush on my best friend, Desmon, he said it was because my dad had died when I was young and now I wanted to be like my mom, which meant that I wasmodellingmy desires on what she would want."
Araxis's hand dropped away from the rock, and he turned to stare at me, bewildered."What?"
I crossed my arms and squeezed until it hurt, just to take the edge off."I know," I said with a bad attempt at a laugh."I didn't like Desmon because I was subconsciously trying to be my mom.Believe me: I'd do literally anything to avoid being like herat all.You aren't entinn because you were trying to be Inniral.It's just – I hate it when people don't actuallylisten.They hear something that doesn't fit and they come up with this convoluted way of twisting everything around to protect what they believe, instead of wondering if the way they understand things isn't perfect."
"Yes," Araxis said, insistent, his eyes bright."This is the point that our Thalidi made when the Assembly moved to standardize the exile of skoshas.Difference from our current schemata does not need to be a threat.Instead, it allows us to develop deeper understanding.The shadow-selves can be instructive; they are not just tolerable, but essential.But – Vivith was young as well.They were grieving, like I was."His stare cut away and he slipped past me along the winding path and toward the next door.
"And have they apologized?"I asked, even though I knew the answer, as he again held open the door for me and we stepped into the airlock between biospheres.
His mouth turned downward."They have not," he admitted."I do not believe their mind has been changed.But… it bothers me less than it did, to think that they don't understand.I believe that… my difference has encouraged me to see the universe with greater nuance.If onetruthfrom our culture is suspect, might there be others that are also in need of further interrogation?"
Even here, with just the two of us, it was clear that talking about this was hard for him."It was the same for me," I said, gentle.I wanted to reach for him again, but I hesitated.Was it too much?Stars, it waseasyto just lean toward him, like he was a gravity well: all I had to do was let go and we'd drift together, suspended in softness and warmth despite the darkness all around us."I mean, I really didtryto be different for awhile.To – not feel the way I did."
Araxis paused, turning his attention to me again."Yes.I often told myself, very resolutely, that I was being foolish and indulging in fantasy.That I might as well imagine I had wings or a tail or could see in another spectrum: fanciful, indulgent, impossible."
"Did you feel – broken?"Because I certainly had.
"Hm."He gave the question some consideration."I think I must have, although I worked very diligently to not think about my gender at all.To simply proceed onward as expected.To follow the expected path.Unlike many skoshas, no one else could tell, and so I was… safe.Besides," with a breath that was almost a scoff, "I spent no time among my own people.Whocouldknow?"
"It can be lonely.And terrifying," I admitted, throat tight."Because even if someonecouldunderstand, you can't know for sure until you say it.You can't just look at them and tell, right?Maybe it's different with abaya but –"
"It was the same, for me at least," Araxis said, insistent."There may be others who feel as I do, who are… invisible, unless we make ourselves known.But how could we know when the stakes are so perilously high and the consequences so dire?"
My chest was tight, throat hot."And you tried with Vivith, and they didn't understand," I said."Fuck, Araxis, that's the worst feeling.You just – You take such a huge risk, youshowsomeone, and –" I cleared my throat, my whole body prickling with sensation, flashing hot and cold all at once.It was too much to hold.It wasso hardto think about and talk about.These were the kinds of things I liked to shove elsewhere, because holding them up to the light was messy and painful.It was agony.
"It hurts a great deal less than it once once did, Sashen," Araxis murmured."And it means everything, to haveoneperson who understands, who –" Again, he brought himself up short, his jaw working.I bet he was chewing the side of his cheek.I bet he was cutting his mouth to pieces."I do not say that to make you feel that you must stay.It is enough to know that you exist.Well, perhaps not enough – but it is sufficient.It will be, if it must."
It hurt.It fuckinghurt, to be here with him, to look at all the pieces of himself he was sharing with me, to hold them with tenderness and care and to still feel all the open wounds where he'd hurt me.How could I hold him with the reverence he deserved while I was still bleeding?
But maybe we were both bleeding in our own ways, and we always had been.We both had jagged pieces that could continue to open up wounds, to hurt each other and ourselves.How did we learn where those were, how to move carefully, how to treat each other and ourselves gently, if I couldn't get used to the hurt?
So I breathed into it, like I was learning, and reminded myself that what I needed wastime.Doctor's orders.When I drew in my next breath, my throat wasn't quite so tight."You said Vivith was young when Inniral died.You must have been young too, since you hatched together.And you became head of house after that?"
The next dome was cold, the forest in muted greens and russet oranges, while frost lined the leaves and berries glowing close to the ground.I pulled my hands inside of my sleeves as we walked.
