So I did just that, and Araxis exhaled, soft and surprised when I tipped myself against him.For a moment, it was if he didn't know what to do with himself, stiff and uncertain – maybe he wasn't sure what wasallowed.But then he slid his arm to the back of the bench, his hand rising to stroke the nape of my neck, long fingers threading through my hair.
A contented sound hummed in my throat, unbidden, as he scratched his nails gently against the skin of my scalp.
"I would like to go to Honnos someday," he murmured after a long silence, during which we drank tea and stared into the gently undulating lights of the moon gardens beyond."I – would like to take you, if you wish to go.If you wish to gothen.And with me."
He was being so careful, I thought, my mind hazy with contentment, with the rightness of being here with him.It was as if my body knew well before my mind did what it needed – intimacy, touch, the certainty of another person's body.But not just another person's, not just anyone's.It had to be him.Maybe our jagged pieces could hurt each other, but they also meant we fit together in a way that others couldn't, like we were two halves of a geode split down the middle.Only together could we hold so many sharp angles and broken pieces and make them whole again.
"I'd like to go," I said."I'd like to go with you," and I turned my head and buried my face against his shoulder, sliding so that I could tuck myself more firmly against him.As he plucked my empty cup from my hands and set it aside, set his aside, and pulled me into his arms, I thought I could stay there forever with him.I moved again, and said, "Don't get any ideas.I just want to be closer," and then I pushed myself so that I could straddle his lap, sinking on to him and wrapping my arms around his neck, burying my face against his pale skin, draping my chest against his so that our hearts might beat next to each other.And while I knew, distantly, that our different anatomy meant that our hearts weren't pressed together, Ifelt,in that moment and in every pulse of my heartbeat, perfectly aligned.
Araxis's hands settled against my lower back, holding me tight.His mouth hovered against the juncture of my neck and shoulder, breath cool.His chest rumbled against me, steady, content.And then he asked, so low I could barely hear him, "Could I kiss you?Or is that – too much?"
It wasn't too much.It probably wasn't enough.
I leaned back, looking down into his eyes which were a perfect glossy black, the kindest and gentlest abyss in which I could lose myself.And I nodded.
I expected him to kiss me hard, to grab my face in his strong hands and pin me there, like I had the other week when I'd kissed him to prove a point.
But that wasn't Araxis.Instead, he touched the side of my face, traced his fingers down from my temple and along my cheekbone, following the line of my jaw to my chin before he slid his thumb along the swell of my lower lip.Like he was memorizing my face by touch alone; like if he was slow enough, thoughtful enough, he could map every corner of who I was beneath his fingertips.
My chest rose and fell in shallow breaths as he touched me, my hips nestled against him, the points of contact between our bodies so full of energy that I wondered, distantly, if we might be glowing too.
He slid his hand around to the back of my head, slipping his fingers through my hair, and then, finally, he tipped me forward, just slightly, and pressed his mouth to mine.
The touch of his lips was gentle, almost cautious, and my skin was suddenly taut and alive – brimming with light and desire.He kissed me again and again, careful but certain, as if now he was mapping not the lines of my face, but the sounds I made, the way I shifted, the way my pulse stuttered when he breathed the same air as I did, as his mouth moved gently, softly against mine.
My body was on fire.I rocked myself against him, lips parting, needingmore, demandingmore.His mouth slid against mine, his angular tongue slipping into my mouth as his hand held my head, the splay of his fingers cradling my skull.My breath was uneven, surprised, as still he kissed me gently, tenderly,lovingly– not like I was something to be devoured, but something to be savoured.
A soft whine escaped my throat, needy, as Araxis pulled back and I chased him, catching his mouth with mine, biting the plush swell of his lower lip.His fingertips pressed harder against my scalp; I could feel his other hand against my lower back, could feel the promise of a more serious touch.He could slip it down to the curve of my ass; he could encourage the small movements I was making, unintentional, against him as my cock began to swell.I wanted that.I wanted him.I wanted – everything.
I could just forget it all, I thought drunkenly.I could pretend nothing bad had ever happened.I could just behis."Araxis –" I said his name like it was a ragged and holy thing, like I never wanted to have another name on my tongue, my hips shifting against him, needy.
With a startled breath, Araxis pulled away, untangling his fingers from my hair and, instead, pressing his hand to my chest.He was breathing rapidly, and even in the dim lights of the moon gardens, I could see that he was flushed a pretty colour, his eyes gone glassy, his mouth clearly well-kissed.
His hand in the middle of my chest felt simultaneously like a tether connecting us and a wall he was putting up to keep me at bay."I believe," Araxis said, voice strained and hoarse, "that it is acceptable to kiss andtouchlike this on a third date.But –"
"I told you not to get any ideas," I murmured, still straddling his lap, my heart trembling in my throat, skin buzzing where he'd touched me.Where I'dimaginedhe might touch me.
He trilled then, low enough it was almost a rumble.His eyes angled thoughtfully, sly, as he looked up at me."I don't thinkIwas the one getting ideas, Sashen."And then his stare dragged deliberately down the lines of my body, coming to rest at the bulge in my pants, before raking back upwards.His tongue flicked against his lower lip, which gleamed in the softly glowing lights around us.
"I can't help it," I said, low."I'm virra."
"And I would prove myself to be a sinnenthi worthy of you by –" I shifted in his lap, adjusting my weight, and his words died immediately in a half-choked sound of desire.The look of nearly delirious want that caught his perfect features was almost enough to make me fuck him right there.But Araxis cleared his throat, struggling to compose himself, and finished, "I would prove myself worthy of you by doing this properly.If – if that is something you might like, Sashen.Understanding that you might change your mind at any time."
I knew I could.I could decide anything.I had the credits he was paying me.I was improving my skills.I was working with Silver Sea to invest some of my earnings.I had a contract with Araxis, and months to go before we reviewed it.I had a way out if I needed it.
I could do anything I wanted, and that included changing my mind about Araxis – now or later.
But right then, in that moment, what I wanted was to give this a chance.To try, like we'd talked about back on the ship before we'd arrived in the Thenat Cluster."I'd like that," I said slowly, gradually easing off of him and sliding back to the bench at his side, although I made sure to keep my thigh pressed against his."I would.And –" because he never seemed able to say it himself, and I didn't want him to forget, "you don't need to be sinnenthi for me.I like all of you.Iwantall of you – sinnenthi and entinn.I think maybe… maybe that's some of where things went wrong before, don't you?You were all sinnenthi, the protector of your creche, and you didn't stop to think like an entinn.What might this choice do to the person on the other end?"
Araxis looked abruptly away, into the distance of the gardens beyond, and I could see his thoughts racing down twisting avenues and alleyways as he considered that.So while he wandered, I just reached and touched the back of one hand, gentle and familiar; he turned it upwards, and I tangled my fingers with his, stroking his skin with my thumb.Gradually, he seemed to come to some resolution and he looked back at me."I have much to think about still," he admitted."And much yet to reckon with.I wish – Hm.How I wish Inniral were still living.I would give almost anything for their guidance.There is nothing quite like a wizened old entinn to put you in your place when you need it most, and to make you feel grateful for the correction."A smile flickered across his features, edged in sadness.
I couldn't understand what he had lost, but I did know that spending time with Nilli of Creche Athal had made me feel like I'd been turned inside out, but in a good way.Like she'd seen me in a way that very few people ever did.
It was how I had so often felt about Araxis, too.
I was about to say as much when Araxis's wristband buzzed.I saw the irritation that caught his features, just as I heard the hard, fluting sigh that tore from him."I set it to silence all notifications unless certain conditions were met," he said, thinly."I presume creche business is intruding –"
As he was speaking, mine started buzzing too.My stomach twisted with immediate concern, and I let go of his hand to flick at the display."Do you think something bad –" I started as Araxis also tapped his wristband to life.
