Araxis had stood in the door to our bedroom, watching me, before he nodded and drifted away to go speak again with Vivith about something that I guess didn't concern me and that I couldn't help with.
I wasn't helping much with anything – but, I told myself, if I could learn the language, if I could build my skills, maybe I could be more than just a pretty little thing on Araxis's arm.I'd said I wanted to help, and Idid.He was paying me enough that I should be helping.
After the first two weeks – during which I'd had, improbably, three days off – my calendar showed more signs of shifting around me.Suddenly, there were these weird pockets of time in my day, often in the morning and evening, but sometimes in the middle of my day, when my schedule only readPersonal Time.The first time I'd opened my schedule and found one of them glowing gently above my wrist, I'd been reminded so much of Silver Sea that I'd actually written to her to make sure she hadn't told him to do that.
You are wildly presumptuous, she had replied after a few hours, during which I'd trekked down to Radiant Ward and practiced some questionable conversation skills with Elethenn before dropping in at the gym for a quick session with Tam’s assistant coach.I do not think of you often enough to be able to give advice on how best to handle your lack of a sense of self-preservation.Please review the attached merchandizing contract.I have highlighted the areas you should argue with me about.
It was in those pockets of time, though, and in the days off that punctuated my calendar on a semi-regular basis, that I continued to build that second, separate life for myself.
I wrote to Inmadra at least eleven times a day with questions or to ask for more practice.At first, she'd responded,A language cannot be learned in a day.You are impatient,all while attaching more homework.It didn't take long for her to realize that, sure, maybe I couldn't learn abayan in a day, but I had to learn a lot and I had to learn it quickly – because I was swimming in waters deeper than I understood.
After three weeks, I was exhausted, but I was used to being exhausted.The hours in the den had been unforgiving: humans need more sleep than other species, and I could barely work enough to cover rent, training, and food, to say nothing about chipping away at the debt to Alet Trident I'd accumulated in the first few years of life on Yellow Fin before I'd been ready to work.
So I knew how to work myself to the bone.I knew how to throw myself into the deep end and figure out how the fuck I was going to swim my way out of the mess I'd put myself into.
This time, though, I was being paidwelland I had time off, even if I'd rapidly and incessantly filled every possible gap with the work I needed to do to be better.And I guess someone was holding me while I slept and helping me through the tremors that followed the nightmares that still punctuated my nights, which would be nice if he weren't also –
Every time I had a day off, Araxis would bring me tea and food and ask if I was ready to hear his apology.And every time, I said no.I had to, because the truth was that holding on to my anger and hurt was the only thing that allowed me to maintain this professional distance.I was white-knuckling my way through this whole mess of a situation.
Because I could admit to myself, when I was away from the creche and sitting somewhere in Radiant Ward asjust Sashen, that I still loved him.Of course I did.You don’t fall out of love in a heartbeat, and I wasn't even sure Iwantedto.
Val asked me once, when we were on a call together, if I felt differently about Araxis now that I wasn't staring down the barrel of my own imminent demise.
I'd huffed, throwing a little bouncy ball I’d picked up at the market against my kitchen wall and jerking my hand up to catch it.I rocked the chair I was perched on, balancing it on two legs and shooting her projection a sideways look."No," I said."It's the same.I love him, and it's fuckingawful."And then I'd thrown the ball so hard that it ricocheted off the wall and back into the cups I had drying on the counter, two of which pitched off the surface and broke on the floor.
I'd hung up not long after that, irritated at myself and at Araxis and at – ateverything.How unfair it all was.How cruel.
Because it should have been impossible, loving him in the way that I did while he seemed fine to pull away, bit by bit, without ever giving me time to figure this out.And the intensity of what I felt when I allowed myself to acknowledge it – in the quiet moments when I walked between wards; while he held me as I tried to breathe after a nightmare; when he looked at me sideways during a meeting with a private smile and a knowing look; when he listened patiently to one of our creche-mates, kind and generous even though he was stretched so thin – felt like I had swallowed a star and was trying to keep the light from leaking from my pores.This love felt like it might tear me apart if I let myself feel it.
Because, sure, he wanted to apologize – but he never sounded like he meant it.He sounded like he was reciting another entry on our to-do list on the days I was working.We will meet with Creche Eshos to finalize our contract for textiles.I have an appointment with a tailor; you can accompany me, if you like, and we'll have some clothes made.I would like to apologize to you, if you're willing to hear it.There is a creche dinner tonight.
I thought there was a good chance the complexity of what I was feeling would, in fact, shred my squishy human brain, if the repeated batterings in the gym combined with hours of language study every day didn't get there first.
I hated trying to think about Araxis and how I felt about him and what he was to me, so instead, nearly four weeks into our time on Sozamia, I just sat on a grimy little bench in Radiant Ward, sipping on one of the electrolyte drinks that Tam had gotten me hooked on, and I flicked through the document I'd started to put together about the different creches we'd met with so far.The information was embarrassingly scant: I had creche names, the representatives, and if I thought they'd been dicks in the meeting.I knew Creche Eshos wanted us to bring back some luxury goods from their provisioner on Sozamia.Creche Idrelli needed a particular alloy for their ship manufacturing, which apparently was connected to Thelessia in some way.Creche Amadath wanted Araxis to support their proposal around lowering the import tax on ketaar-made building components.
It was pathetic, but I hadn't yet figured out how to do all of this – how to be a good virra; how to remake myself; how to sit with all of these fuckingfeelings– whilealsodoing some light spying, or whatever.
I flashed my display off, slinging one arm across the back of the bench and breathing in the cool, greasy air of Radiant Ward.I was just around the corner from Tam's gym.The loose neck of my shirt was dark with sweat, and I scrubbed a hand through my damp waves.Today, Tam had gotten me in a nasty grapple after a few hours of pounding away on some punching bags and doing some drills, and despite that, I'd managed to worm my way out from beneath his massive red hands and get enough distance to crack him in the sternum with my elbow.
He'd still slammed my head into the wall and made me spit blood all over the floor, but the point was I was getting better, demonstrably!And I was pretty sure I'd understood what Avelthe and Yalrinn were gossiping about when they'd been chattering away in the kitchen that morning: apparently, Avelthe had struck up a correspondence with an old flame and Yalrinn was helping him keep that from Evreni because, and I quote,we all deserve to have a little fun, even if our Araxis will not do the same for his virra.And then they'd looked pointedly at me before wandering away, carrying a tray of tea to their spouse who I'd once thought of as paranoid but now thought of as appropriately suspicious.
My head hurt too much to think about compiling details about politics and trade agreements, though, so I picked myself up and headed toward my apartment, glancing at the time.I had the whole afternoon to myself, since I'd already met with Inmadra in the morning and then let Tam brutalize me mid-day.I could pick up some food and start on the pile of homework Inmadra had sent me.If I was particularly efficient, I might even let myself watch some broadcast.I was extremely behind on the latest season ofAcross the Timescape.
That sounded like a good way to spend my time, right?Doing thingsIwanted to do.It was my day off.That's what I was supposed to do.Maybe I'd even see if Khrelen Tintissi could take a call back on Yellow Fin.He'd poached all of my favourite clients from the other dancers, so no doubt there was a lot of gossip to catch up on.
Telling myself firmly that I was satisfied with my plan, I cut across the courtyard outside of my apartment, doing a quick scan of the vendors – I might be able to pop by and chat with Elethenn; I needed to practice conjugation based on perceived social hierarchy, and he'd been bringing steamed buns lately which were more or less the greatest thing I'd ever eaten – but his cart wasn't there.
I paused and did another scan, squinting.
There weren'tanyabayan vendors at the market.In fact, the market looked noticeably emptier without their presence; abaya had to make up about a quarter of the vendors who were here on any given day.
Weird."Hey," I said, drawing near one of the carts that served these fried little bug nuggets I'd grown quite fond of."Is there something happening today?There aren't any abaya here."
The auvril blinked up at me with her massive, glossy eyes as she worked a pan of bugs over a small flame."Some speaker," she said, beak clicking a couple times in a tic that meant she was feeling a little harried."At the abayan cultural centre.You want any of these?"
I nodded, and she dumped the pan into a waiting paper cone.The brin sitting off to the side on the lip of a dry fountain, which had become, instead, just a bowl of refuse, cried out in protest.The auvril pressed the cone into my hands."He tips, and he doesn't complain when there are extra legs!"she snapped."Maybe ifyouwant to cut the line, you should be a better customer, Solna!"
I paid for my food, and I paid for Solna's too.And then I asked the vendor if she could send me a ping with the cultural centre address, which she did while frying her next batch.Solna, placated by the promise of free bugs, had gone back to rifling through the garbage in the fountain, looking either for treasures or, I don't know, more bugs.
