But –
It was the labour of my choosing.I was choosing to put in the effort, the blood, sweat, and tears.I was doing the work so that we could be together.We, the creche, andwe, me and Araxis.
"I think so," I said after a pause."I think – Yeah.It feels… intense, though.I'm not used to that.I mostly floated along at the den.Different day, same alien dick.Well, that's not true – there's a lot of variety!– but once you've seen one voltaar ovipositor…"
Elethenn flushed, shaking his head as he tidied up the counter."I cannot tell if you are trying to shock me," he said, "or if this is what you're like when you're too tired to trynotto."
I laughed, weary, leaning against the door frame."Oh, maybe a bit of both.It's nice to not always have to be on my best behaviour – but… you'll tell me if I actually make you uncomfortable, right?I think there's probably enough discomfort in the creche without me adding to it by being… a lot."
"Yes, I will tell you.And I may be – reserved, but I am not so new to the world or so rigid that I am easily offended."I had a moment to silently applaud myself for not cracking a joke aboutbeing rigidbefore Elethenn added, "Besides, you are hardly the cause of the difficulties here.Every creche has conflict.And a time of transition is challenging for all creche-mates, particularly when there are questions about who should be head of house."
I frowned."Sorry," I said carefully, "What do you mean about who should be head of house?"
Elethenn blinked, looking surprised as he studied me.Then his head tilted, curious."Did you not – No, you have made it clear that no one speaks to you at any length about any cultural or political practices.Apologies, Sashen, I can explain, although…"
I huffed out a breath."If you tell me that I should ask my sinnenthi," I said, letting the phrase trail off meaningfully.
Elethenn winced."Yes, you are right.Araxis would want you to know, I am certain; he wants you to be… his equal in all things, yes?"I didn't even bother confirming that.I didn't need to: we all knew it.So Elethenn, after hesitating for another moment, continued, "Creche Thiel has two suitable heads of house, Araxis and Vivith.I cannot say why the decision was made for Araxis to take up the mantle instead of Vivith, or when this was decided.It is creche history and, as a new member, I am yet not permitted access to the stories of Creche Thiel."
He looked at me expectantly, so I shrugged.Araxis had explained, but it didn't seem like my story to tell.
Elethenn turned his attention to continuing to pack up the foods he'd prepared."I suspect you do not yet have the linguistic proficiency to have noticed, Sashen, but Vivith speaksashead of house.Their syntax and grammar, their subvocalizations.Even in the short time I listened to them speak, it was – abundantly clear.Avelthe had mentioned something along those lines as well as it reminded him of the conflict inThe Shadows of Skaushilek–although let us hope that this conflict does not also result in the ritual death of twelve arkathi.In another creche, Vivith would be on precariously unstable ground."
I stared, everything I'd understood shifting and starting to make more sense.Was Vivith gunning for control of Creche Thiel?And, if so, what the fuck did that mean for Araxis?What did it mean for me, for us?
I needed to know more."In a different creche, they'd be in trouble," I repeated."But in Creche Thiel?"
"Hm."Elethenn tidied up the scraps, ends of green vegetables and the outer peels of tubers, tucking them into the organic material composter.He pointedly didn't look up, suddenly fascinated by a stringy bit of green stem."Our Araxis is kind and patient, and unconventional.I suspect… I suspect he sees Vivith's challenge as growing pains.He likely trusts the strength of their bond to triumph over these temporary challenges.And while Araxis is young and has not taken the usual route to leadership, he is averygood head of house, Sashen.Any abaya who watched the Tournament could see it; it is even more clear, here in the creche.You should be proud."
Iwasproud of him.I'd never stopped being proud of him, even when I'd been mad.And part of me was irritated that Araxis hadn't explained this either, but I also wondered if he really thought Vivith was angling for control, or if he was struggling to recognize that.Had he fully grasped what was happening, or did he believe he could fix it before it ever became too bad?
And who knew where anyone would stand after today, anyway.Vivith had been sent away on a glorified time-out, as I understood it.Now, though, they'd defied a direct command.I wasn't sure it got much worse than that.
Well.Spying might be worse.But was Ireallyspying?Or was I just doing some… cultural consultation?Snooping, at the very worst.
"Thank you," I said."I really do appreciate it.It's so hard to know what to do with myself when I don't understand half of what's going on.I want to be helpful.I want to be sure I earn my keep."
Elethenn blinked up at me with absolute bewilderment, as if I'd just started spouting verses from the litany or something."You are virra, Sashen," he said, as if that explained everything, as if that explainedanything.
But I really and truly didn't have capacity to deal with that, not when I was that bone-tired and weary, not when I'd had the week I'd had.So instead, I shrugged and said, "Well, I'm also human and I grew up in a space cult where my whole purpose was to be ofuse.So."I bid Elethenn goodnight and then headed back down the hall to wind down for the night.And although I swore I was going to wait up for Araxis, when I started digging into my language lessons, it didn't take long for me to drift off.
It wasn't until the bed shifted, hours later, that I roused in the dim room.I rolled my head, looking at the dark shape of Araxis as he slipped beneath the blankets next to me."Are you alright?"I mumbled."Is everything okay?"
Araxis froze, and I couldfeel, even in my sleepy haze, how tightly he was holding his body.He made a soft sound in his throat – something broken, a little hoarse."It will… be fine," he said after a long moment."And it will keep until tomorrow."
"Okay," I murmured, and then I rolled, stretching my arm out."Come here."
Araxis settled in, slotting himself into place against my side, his cheek a cool weight on my chest, his hand sliding across my body to rest against my ribs – gentle and careful; he knew I was still sore and I knew he'd never hurt me.I inhaled, feeling his body shift as mine did; I inhaled the scent of his skin and ran a hand down his back.I raised my hand again and stroked it down the tight braid of his crest.
And because it was dark and he was miserable, and because I could feel him suppressing a tremble, and most of all, because it was true, I tilted my head so that my mouth could brush his temple and I murmured, "I love you."
His breath hitched, just a little.Like he was starting to cry, or else like he was surprised.I couldn't tell."Thank you," Araxis said against my skin.Then, in abayan, "I cannot fathom what I would do without you, beloved."
"You don't have to," I sighed into him, my consciousness soft and warm, all fuzzed out with sleep and proximity to Araxis."You don't have to."
And then, tangled together, we fell asleep.Well, I did.I don't know if Araxis slept at all.And when I woke in the morning and we started talking, I understood why.
Chapter16
