So at this point, any lead would be helpful.Had the attack been a move against Creche Thiel or had it been about me?I wished, not for the first time, that the paledrian hadn't escaped and that I hadn't killed someone who might have been able to give us answers.
I wished I hadn't killed anyone at all.
Because the longer I sat with what I'd done – and I did sit with it, in pockets of silence; in stolen moments; when I found myself flexing my hands, unthinking, and remembered what they felt like spattered in sephearian ichor – the more I became convinced that I'd finally found a way to stain my soul after all.
I was having nightmares again.Well, I say again, but I'malwayshaving nightmares.But since the attack, the quality of my dreams had changed.Yes, I was often on the sands; yes, I was often on the precipice of ruin and destruction.I was often in that same grimy alleyway, surrounded by an endless sea of lights blinking on unseen armour suits.But I also dreamed of enacting violence.I was the assailant; mine were the fingers latching hard around soft throats; my mouth was the one curling into a hungry grin.I was the wolf lurking deep in shadow,andI was the prey scrabbling frantically away.I was my own shadow, and I was inescapable.
So maybe that also wasn't helping where things sat with Araxis.Of course he wanted to take things slow: I woke up every night, drenched in sweat and gasping for air and sometimes crying, so.That didn't exactly screamstable and worthy romantic partner.
Maybe I would feel better if I knew who'd rattled the bars of my life.Who was shaking the cage door while the beast inside of me got closer and closer to breaking free.
So I prodded my tongue against my teeth as I stared at Tam's message, and then pulled up my schedule, skimming it again before writing back.Yes, I'd like to talk; yes, I'd try to come tonight, but I couldn't make any promises.And then, as an afterthought,How do people dress for fight nights?
A moment later, his response popped up.There's a lot of gambling and dancing.Make an educated guess.
I snorted.Yeah, I could make some guesses.
"Am I correct that our time is concluded now?" I asked Inmadra, careful to formulate the sentence so that I placed myself in a lower role, as I was expected to when speaking with an authority.
"Hm."She flicked through her own display, sending a couple new worksheets my way."That was nearly correct, but you might have said it much more prettily.Review vocabulary banks 28 and 29.I will assess how much you have retained of the first 27 when we meet tomorrow."
I smiled blandly, already dreading the test.When I left Seraphim, I never would have guessed that I would end up having to takevocabulary testsagain.The things I did for love.
Araxis was out for the day, visiting several other creches; when I'd offered to come, he had gotten a little squirrely and said that he wanted to have these preliminary conversations on his own.When I'd pressed, he had admitted that the creches he was visiting were likely to be rude to me.
"I don't mind," I'd said, not sure how to feel about that.He was going out of his way to accommodate me.I didn't need that, even if there was a sliver of me that maybe possibly… liked it."I've heard it all before."
"That may be true, Sashen, butIhave not heard it all before, and I do not yet trust myself to control my tongue."He had leaned in, then, nuzzling his cheek against my own and inhaling deeply against my skin."And," he added, drawing back reluctantly, "while you would certainly remind me to be pleasant and strategic, as you did when Creche Zivanis visited, the reserves of my patience are as wells gone dry."
I'd snorted, and pretended not to feel sad that I was being left behind, even for a good reason.
So he'd gone off to meet with some other creches, and I'd finished dealing with some account settlements from our provisioners and suppliers before digging back into my perennial language lessons and taking a short detour to a gym around the corner I'd found that was fine, I guess.At least I could use a private room and avoid the smiling, simpering trainers, even if the holo opponents I queued up never threw me to the ground with the same vigour as Tam did.Now, though –
I wandered back to our bedroom, nerves making my stomach roil a little.It might be dangerous, I knew that, but I could be smart about it.Elethenn and I had gone down to see Tam a couple of times and we'd been fine.And getting more intelhadto be good.I'd tried everything else.Sometimes, you just had to shake a tree until… something fell off.A pine cone?A piece of fruit?I still wasn't sure how that all worked.
I chewed on my cheek, made up my mind, and shot a quick note to Elethenn asking if he wanted to join me at Tam's for fight night.While I waited for his response, I took some time to flick through the options in the closet, settling an an older dancing outfit – although I pulled on one of Araxis's jackets to wear over top.My trunk sat in one corner, small; everything I'd owned before joining Creche Thiel was inside.And while I knew I was headed down with Elethenn and that it was pretty safe, I still clicked open the lid , reached in, and grabbed my swords.I'd just hauled the sheath over my shoulders and padded into the hygiene room when a reply from Elethenn flashed up.You're travelling to Radiant Ward?
Tam says he has some useful information re: the people who jumped me, I wrote back.Also, I miss dancing.
Have you spoken with Araxis?
And, look, we were reconciled, mostly anyway.We didn't have a contract.It was just the two of us, Araxis and Sashen, figuring it out – but contract or not, he wasn't my handler and hedidn'tneed to know every single thing I did in order to give me permission.In fact, he'd told me I could always assume I had his permissionandsupport.
I leaned close to the mirror, adding a little glitter powder to my eyelids while I considered my response.I could lie.Elethenn wouldn't know.But –
Fuck, I was sick and tired of lying.
I'll write to him on the way,I said.Listen, I haven't been to my apartment in more than two weeks.My plants are probably dead!When in doubt, crack a joke.It usually worked for me anyway.
The reply was a long time coming.Or not: it might have just felt like that, like I was waiting on Elethenn to rat me out to my – my whoever.My sinnenthi.Sashen, you do not have any plants.Perhaps they were stolen, and I did not notice.
Quick!, I wrote back,Check Vivith's room!Then,I promise I'll write on the way, but I'm going to go no matter what and I'd rather you went with me.And Tam asked mespecificallyif you'd come along.So…
It took only a few short moments before there was a rapping at the door to our bedroom.When I slid it open, I wasn't surprised to find Elethenn standing there, looking perilously close to beingannoyed."Fight nights bring out a crowd," I started before he could open his mouth, "and a crowd means guards.And while I personally think they're all bastards, it's not like someone's going to jump me when I am literally surrounded by brawny pit fighters and also ward guards.AndI'm armed.Andwe can take an inter-ward shuttle, if you'd be happier about that.You're good at security stuff.That all seems reasonable, right?"
Elethenn's arms crossed hard against his chest as he stared at me, skeptical."It would be reasonable if you were to stay here.I could go on my own."
"Araxis said it's best if we travel in pairs," I insisted."Which is why I'm being good and asking you to come with me.He even told you that I can defend myself, remember?"
