I thought I was finally understanding, even if the cultural practice was fundamentally at odds with my own values.It seemed absolutely bizarre that a culture that placed such weight on consenting to hear an apology could be so casual about consent when it came to sex.But that was why Elethenn had considered offering for me, even though he wasn't attracted to me.It was why Araxis, who wasn't certain he could feel sexual attraction until we'd fallen together, had still been set on courting me.Attraction didn't matter.It was about performing your duty, which is why thecaldathesswas a mark of service.It wasn't a claim in the way I'd been thinking, although there was an element of that in there still; it just had different dimensions than I'd anticipated.And I knew that if I didn't spell this out, I'd be worrying, each and every time we had sex, that I was fucking someone who didn't want to, and I couldn't live like that.
"I never,everwant you to fuck me if you don't feel like it.Not even if I'm, like, going to die from a boner."At his startled look, I added hastily, "That's not going to happen; thatdoesn'thappen.It's hyperbole – I'm not a nín matriarch.What I'm saying is that I only want to be with you if it's what webothwant, and I know you're probably going to say, well, what you want is to tend to my needs, but that's not whatIwant."
Araxis shifted his weight slightly, his hands still resting in his lap."Very well," he said."Although – could you explain?"
I sighed, crossing my legs.I planted an elbow on the side of the table, propping my chin up with my hand."I've fucked a lot of people when I didn't particularly feel like it, but I needed the credits, so I did it anyway.Iknowit doesn't bug some people, but it must be some weird cultural hang-up because it definitely bugged me.It made me feel… really alone?Like I was able to play this part, and my client wouldn't even notice that I wasn't really there.I, Sashen, wasn't there.And I don't want that feeling to ever touch what we have.It's like – I guess, for me, sex is like your apology.It's consent-based.I want us both to consent, and it's ongoing consent."
"And that consent, for you, must be based on sexual desire," Araxis said carefully."Rather than one's role."
"For me, anyway," I admitted."I mean, I had clients before who just wanted to get me off and then definitely didn't want to be touched, and that's fine.Everyone is different.But that's not what I want with you.I don't think that could work for me in the long-term.In a – relationship."A flush crept up my cheeks, my skin suddenly too warm."If that's what we're doing?"
Araxis trilled suddenly, and when I looked at him, he was smiling."Yes, Sashen, that's what we're doing, if that is what you'd like.I would very much like to think of you as myboyfriend."He said the word in English, and hearing it from his mouth was so jarring that I felt like I'd missed a step going down the stairs.
"Yeah, I'd like that," I said, shocked."I'd – Well, what are you then?And how did you learn that word?"
"In my research," Araxis supplied, looking a little smug."Though I should give credit where it is due.Your translator friend reached out not long after we left the judiciary ship and sent me a package of cultural knowledge that she felt would be of benefit to me.She said, as someone who hasdatedan alien, she knew what I should understand, although of course, on Seraphim Station, you may have been taught differently.And I had thought that I could be yourboyfriendas well."
"You're not a boy," I said."Andsinnenthi-entinn-frienddoesn't exactly roll off the tongue."
Araxis shrugged, raising one shoulder and letting it drop."Boyfriendis of as much significance to me ashe– it is, for me, aesthetic only, of some utility rather than identity.And you do not feel attraction to women, sogirlfriendwould not be an appropriate substitution.And although you are declared for me, I thought perhapshusbandmight be… too much?Your language is as gendered as ours, although it is very restrictive with only two primary markers.I understand there are many other terms and identities in use among humans who are not affiliated with Seraphim, but they are likely outside of your own cultural experience."
"Yeah, okay then," I said distantly, "You can be my boyfriend."I was almost shaken by the ease with which he offered the termhusband.As if that was something I'd even been able to dream of back on Seraphim.Of course, I'd read since then all about the different marital permutations back in Sol, the ones Seraphim liked to pretend didn't exist, even when they were departing from the solar system – but just like Araxis had correctly understood, they were as foreign to me as any other alien take on romance.
Araxis beamed at me, although his expression sobered a moment later."I have heard you say that it is important for our relationship, and for your peace of mind, that we are only intimate when we both want that, and for youwantmeans feeling aroused.Is that correct?"
I nodded."I know it probably doesn't make much sense," I started.
"It does not need to make sense," Araxis said."You have told me.You have expressed what you need.Of course I will listen and comply.I do begin to understand why you would wish this, Sashen.It is quite different from abayan practices, but you always explain things in a way that makes sense to me."
I swallowed, my chest warm.It felt impossible, to be able to express something and have him listen and then just… take it on board.And yet, here he was, listening and understanding.Here he was, sharing his entinn side, leaning into it as he'd said he would.
Across from me, Araxis angled his chin down so that, when he watched me, it was through his lashes."Idowish to tend to you as a sinnenthi today, if I might.That – That is whatIwish.I have… been thinking about it for some time, about… caring for you in this particular way."
I locked eyes with him, heat curling in my lower stomach."That depends," I said, struggling to keep my mind on what I'd resolved, not just what I wanted."What does that mean?"
The pale skin of Araxis's cheeks had flushed pink, although when he spoke, it was in an even tone, unbothered."A sinnenthi tends by focusing on their partner's pleasure entirely.They take control as a form of service.You understand, now, thatcaldathesstranslates tomark of service.It –" He paused, then, shifting a little, his hands folded carefully in his lap."The first time we had sex, you fucked me like you were sinnenthi.I was startled not that you were so giving, but that I –" He fell to silence, seemingly unable to say the rest.His chest was rising and falling rapidly, his eyes bright.
"That you liked it?"I offered, heat twisting tighter and tighter in my core.
"Yes," he murmured, still unmoving."And I would – That would be most welcome another time.As for today, I have told you whatIwant.What is it thatyouwant?This – is how you wish us to proceed, yes?With this type of communication?"
Stars above, I loved him.I nodded, staring at the colour gleaming across his cheeks.I wanted to press my mouth against his skin.I wanted to see how he'd command me when he was focused entirely on pleasing me.I wanted to be pliant and easy for him."Uh, okay.What do I want?A lot.I want anything and everything but –" I cleared my throat, forcing a hard, quick breath out through my lips to try and centre myself."But you said you were going to court me properly and I've deduced, I guess, that a proper courtship means… holding off on sex, even though I'm virra.Would this – be a problem?Would it mess things up for you?There's a lot I want, but if what you need is to do this… right, culturally speaking, then – then I could wait."
God, I didn't want to wait.It felt like I'd been waiting for weeks, and I suppose I had been.I'd been waiting for,hopingfor, this exact moment.This resolution; this new beginning; this – atonement.
He fluted out a breath."No, it would not be a problem, Sashen.I wanted to wait so that you could see that my affection for you is not rooted in your gender or in the political value you offer me.I thought… perhaps it would be another way to demonstrate how serious I am about you.I do not want you because you are virra, although I cherish all of who you are; I do not want you because you are… acoup.I wish to have you as my partner, as myboyfriend, because you are exactly as you are."
"And now?"I asked, a little breathless.I still didn't understand how hedidthis to me with justwords."Has that changed?Or did you still want to wait?"
"I have made my apology to you and I trust – I trust that you can see that I cherish you for who you are.And you have said you'd like to have sex, and I would very much like that as well."His smile grew sly as my heart thundered in my chest."Would you mind that I have not courted you properly?"
"By my estimation, this is the third time you've courted me.And you've dated me.Andyou're my boyfriend, so –" I tried to infuse the words with some humour so that I stopped feeling quite so bruise-tender, but I still sounded flustered even to my own ears."I don't think fast-tracking this courtship will ruin my virtue or whatever.I know, I know, I'mveryshy and reserved and demure but –"
Araxis pushed forward to his knees and reached for me, taking my face in his hands and tilting my chin upward so that when he pressed his mouth against me, he was leaningdown, devouring me from above.At once, he knocked the breath from my lungs, his fingers purposeful and confident as he held me like I had value, like Iwasa treasure.
I felt strangely small beneath him; one hand shifted to cradle the back of my head, possessive, certain, his fingers tangled in my hair.I felt them tighten, my scalp prickling pleasantly."You like this, yes?"he breathed against my mouth, as he held me in place, commanded me.
An embarrassing whimper caught in my throat as his sharp teeth toyed with my lower lip, his tongue, slick and cool, tasting my mouth.He leaned back, just a little, to study me, and gave my hair a gentle, experimental tug so that my entire throat was bared to him."Like this?"he asked, black eyes boring holes into me from above.
