What did you say in a situation like this?Sorry I encouraged you to hook up with someone who had already been murdered?Sorry I dragged you into my shit?Sorry I took what was probably a very calm life making dumplings and set it on fire?I fretted, feeling sicker and sicker the closer we got to home, and it was only when we rounded the corner to our own street that the need to saysomethingbeat out the desire to saynothing.
"Sorry," I forced out around the sudden dryness in my throat, almost breathless."For – you know, everything."
Next to me, Elethenn was quiet.He didn't look at me.
"I really didn't think everything was going to be so fucked up," I confessed, voice cracking.I cleared my throat to try and make space for more words."It's like wherever I go, I just – fuck everything up, and everyone gets hurt.Clearly I should come with a warning label."I tried to say it with some levity, but had to scrub the cuff of my sleeve beneath my eyes, just in case.
Elethenn exhaled, his hands tucked into the pockets of his jumpsuit, his shoulders curled a little."None of this is your fault, Sashen," he said, sounding weary.And why wouldn't he be?I'd ruined everything, and then I'd also refused to leave him well enough alone.
It seemed particularly cruel that, the minute I got on good footing with Araxis, I happened to simultaneously blow up what had felt like a real friendship."It is," I said."I know it is.And I reallyamsorry.And I just – I don't want you to feel like you have to leave so you don't have to be around me.I'll – I'll leave you alone.I get it."I picked up speed, moving to pull ahead as we drew near to the stairs leading to our creche, but Elethenn reached out and caught my wrist.
"Sashen," he said."Let's – There's a stand around the corner that sells tea.You can buy me a drink."
So I did and we threaded our way through the park I often looked at from the bedroom window.The air was always cold in Verdant Ward, so the hot cup made my fingers sting.I tried not to get too intense and weepy as we looked at the familiar ugly statues and fountains – sure, the fountains weren't full of garbage, but theyweresurrounded by rich people walking around and having the universe's most boring conversations aboutinvestmentsandrenovationsandthe economy, so all in all, I'd take the night market in Radiant Ward – and eventually Elethenn pulled me to a bench and sat down beside me.
"Sashen," he said, staring into the dregs of his tea, "this was not your fault.This is – This has all been Xitera being exactly as it is."
"But –" I started.
He shot me a pointed look, and I snapped my mouth shut."Xitera demands awful things from us all, and always exacts its price.I have – Sometimes I wonder –" He paused, and I knew better than to interrupt.I was learning, at least some things.
"I wonder," Elethenn continued, "if Araxis fully understands the danger he puts the creche in by stepping into the Great Hall and taking a seat in the Assembly.If the concern is safety, he might be better served declaring under a house like Creche Athal.But he has said, and I understand, it is a question of legacy and of… forward motion.It is that forward motion that brings danger, Sashen.It is notyou."
I stared at him, not understanding."But everything that's happened here –"
"The problems you believe you've caused are, what?Paying the fines of the crecheless who were imprisoned?Such detainment is a well-known Concord tactic.It was morally correct to intervene.That you were assaulted?I –" His mouth worked, as if he were chewing his cheek."I find I must agree with Nizanin's assessment; it is certainly a Concord house behind that.And –" He stopped, cleared his throat a little, fixed his stare toward the middle of the park where a brin trio were laughing.His jaw flexed, tense."And what happened to Tamcer?That is how the Unbound conducts itself.They are violent and reprehensible, and anyone who chooses to enter their orbit risks collateral damage.None of it isyourfault.You have been forced into the orbit of Xitera, and Xitera brings all of this with it."
I tried to listen to what he was saying, I really did, and there was part of me that believed I understood what Elethenn was getting at.But how could I really?Despite the information I'd been gathering for Perseus, I didn't understandanythingyet about the abayan empire or Xitera or the machinations always at play in the Assembly or the Great Hall, where creches that didn't have a seat were also jostling for power.
But more than any of that, one word echoed through my mind, reverberating:forced.
"I wasn't forced to be here," I said, watching him.I knew he'd heard what Nizanin had said.I couldn't stand for him to believe that was the truth now.
His stare drifted back to me for a moment, flat."Araxis has explained.You do not need to.I gather he has atoned."That same stare dropped pointedly to my neck, and I felt myself flush, suddenly warm in the cold air of the park."Although I must admit to some confusion.I thought you said that you did not wish for acaldathess, that it held negative associations for you.And yet I cannot imagine that Araxis –"
He didn't have to sayforced the matter."That was a lie," I said."I don't feel that way at all.Some people might, but not me.I – I actually asked him for it, a few times, and he said no.He said he hadn't earned it yet."
"He saidno," repeated Elethenn, blinking rapidly."After forcing your declaration."
Araxis had told me that, according to his culture and the scope of what he'd done, that he would be considered an unfit sinnenthi.To know that, and then to understand that Araxis had refused me in some culturally significant way – I couldn't let that be the impression Elethenn walked away with.
"No, you don't understand."He had to.I didn't want him thinking of Araxis as an awful person.I didn't want to be the reason Elethenn decided to leave, because there was something about his grim weariness that struck me asresigned, like the end of a chapter, and I couldn't stomach that."I had another offer.Somewhere I could have gone that would have gotten me away from Seraphim and away from my debt claim.I still do.I could say the word, and I'd be gone.I don'thaveto be here."
Something complicated flickered across Elethenn's mismatched features as he studied me, so I continued."This is what I want.This is the labour of my choosing.I'mchoosingto be here.I've chosen Araxis and I've chosen Creche Thiel.Araxis is good to me, and he's goodforme, and I am exactly where I want to be.And if any of that ever changes, then I'll go.You don't need to worry about me."
He exhaled, and there in the light of day, on the bench in Verdant Ward, I had the chance to reallylookat Elethenn of Creche Thiel.I studied his white eye, the scar carving across his face, the downward curve of his mouth, the sadness that lived behind his stare.In another life, one that had been kinder to him, Elethenn would have been incredibly handsome.He still was: you just had to look more carefully, as if all of the suffering he'd endured had made him harder to see, veiled by the shadows of his past."You really believe that it would be that simple," he said then, head tilted."That you could just… leave?"
"Well, I'd really rather not."The thought made my chest constrict."But if I had to, then I would.I've done it before.I've done ittwicebefore.And –" It wasn't my place to offer, but fuck it, I was going to do it anyway."And if you ever need to leave, to go somewhere far away from Xitera, somewhere they can't touch, you let me know.I'll put you in touch with my person."
"Hm.You have aperson."And although he didn't smile, there was the slightest twitch to his mouth, and it was enough of an opening to give me something to work with.
"I don't know if you've noticed," I said, dry, "but I'm kind of a celebrity.I'm Sesshen Salar, half-voltaari half-human broadcast star."
He trilled, then, and I laughed – and then my laugh became wet and broken and I had to duck my face inside the collar of my jacket."Ah,fuck," I choked out."Tam really would have liked that stupid fucking photo."
Next to me, Elethenn shifted, one hand reaching to pat my knee carefully."Yes, he would have," he said, soft."And if you are happy, Sashen, then I am happy for you.I would not...presume to know what you need or desire better than you do.You certainly know your own mind.And you have...contingencies?"
I did, so I nodded."And, just to be clear," I added, carefully not moving my knee where his hand still rested – which felt like a crown of laurels, that he could still be my friend after everything that had happened, that I still merited that."I don't need rescuing.Even though I'm virra, and you're sinnenthi, and even though everything with Araxis was...complicated for awhile.He's mine, and I'm his, and I'mchoosingthat."
