Thank you, bitch ass nigga.
Hyphen was still running that dick sucker of hers when I stepped inside of her home. Her attempt to slam the door on me was comical, but this was no laughing matter.
“Get out of my house, Flocco.”
I wanted to fight her. I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to say fuck her. I did neither. Instead, I stared at her unique skin and brown eyes and pouty lips and fluffy cheeks.
“You’re going to get a motherfucker seriously hurt out here playing these games. I’m not with this shit, Hyphen. So tell me now–before I waste my entire fucking life putting a nigga in the dirt cause he fucking with a bitch that wants more than anything to be fucked with.”
I didn’t miss the pain in her eyes as the derogatory term spilled from my lips. I wanted to take it back. I needed to take it back. But, I couldn’t. I stood on it. I stood in the mess I’d just made of the heart she claimed wasn’t mine to have.
Sarcastically, she chuckled, rolling her tongue over her teeth. I wanted my dick down her throat. Not words that would cut me like knives.
“As long as it isn’t me for once.”
It didn’t take long to register what she was referring to.
You’re going to get a motherfucker seriously hurt out here playing these games.
“Bullshit, Hyph. I’ve told you I won’t fuck you over. Yet, you st–”
“Me. Me. Me. Be fucking for real, Flocco. I have told you at every turn that I do not have the capacity for a relationship right now and to get ahold of your feelings. Yet, you keep pushing and pushing and fucking pushing. Take accountability for your shit. Let’s be clear.
“You say you’re a real nigga, well show me. Don’t put this on me. I’ve been upfront with you from the very beginning. I’ve never lied to you. About nothing. This is where I am. This is who I am. A bitch. A bitch that loves playing with niggas because all they’ve ever done is play with us. A bitch that is every niggas karma cause not enough of the girls have the heart to be. A paid bitch. A motivated bitch. A real bitch.
“But what you fail to realize is that I’m not your bitch. Stop listening to that thing that beats in your chest. It’ll always lead you the wrong way. That shit always breaking. Why the fuckwould you trust it? Hm? Don’t worry. Don’t answer that. Just leave my house. Just– GO.”
I chuckled, stuffing my latest earnings in the empty grocery sack hanging on the coat rack behind her front door.
“You fuck a nigga the way you do… spend days at a time at his crib… be ready to roll when he pulls up… suck his dick as if its your last meal on earth… hit his pockets… and nice to ‘em when that dick inside of you… then expect me to keep shit cordial? Keep shit friendly?
“Hyph, I’ll blow a nigga head clean the fuck off right now ‘bout you. What ain’t you getting? Them pretty lips always yapping, but them motherfuckers haven’t been telling the truth. I’m not the only one with feelings involved. The difference is I’m so fucking in love with your selfish ass that I can’t hide that shit if I wanted to.
“And you’re so fucked up and scared to love again that you can’t help but hide how you truly feel. But, that’s all good, Hyph. I ain’t trying to be sitting in a cell behind a woman that doesn’t have the audacity to love me loudly. Proudly. So, I guess we’re both a little selfish. You want yourself. I want you. And, that shit ain’t change cause you said not right now.
“Nah. Cause if you didn’t want this shit, then I wouldn’t be here. I’m not new to your game. I fulfill whatever void you have. I soothe those aches. I assist with that healing of yours. I make you forget anything ever hurt so bad because being around me feels so good. That’s why I keep coming back. That’s why I keep pushing.
“But I can’t love you into wanting what I’ve been trying to give you since day one. You have to do that. But, you’re too stubborn. Too blind. Too burdened. But, I ain’t gone keep paying for what a pussy nigga did to you. So on some real shit, Hyph. Fuck you. Fuck you today. Fuck you tomorrow. And fuck you the day after that, too.
“I can’t leave this house knowing I’ve disrespected you the way I have, so I apologize for calling you out of your name. I don’t think you’re a bitch. I think you're brilliant. I think you’re fun. I think you’re strong. I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve laid eyes on. Until this moment, I thought you were mine. I was wrong. And, for that, I’m sorry too. Maybe I’ve been projecting or some shit. Wanting to believe you could see the good… see the effort… see the love.
“But you can’t, baby girl. You can’t see nothing but yourself. And, right now, that’s working for you. I wanted it to work for me too, but we’re not on the same page. Before I catch a case ‘bout you, I’ma let you be. You feel me? Just remember, Hyph. I ain’t break your shit, baby. You broke mine.”
I pulledfrom my fourth blunt. Still, my chest ached. The weed wasn’t numbing the pain. I felt like I’d been sliced down the center with a steak knife.
My heart broke when I saw my people on the floor, blood leaking from their bodies. It was the first time I’d felt true pain. Today, I felt that again.
Blowing out a stream of smoke, I replayed our conversation in my head. And, no matter what, the look on Hyphen’s face when I called her out of her name is what stayed with me. So did the look on her face when I turned to leave, placing the key to her house on the couch.
I no longer wanted access to her. I no longer wanted access to something so painful. I no longer wanted access to someone who possessed so much power.
I’d been warned. Still, I didn’t take heed. I ran into the fire, head-first.
Clown ass nigga. I chastised, filling my lungs with smoke.
I didn’t budge at the sound of my gate swinging open. Nevaeh approached with tupperware in her hand. I’d need whatever she’d made by the time I got my head together and I’d finished firing up blunts. I wasn’t sure when the cycle would end, but I wasn’t complaining. The sound of Dooley was music to my ears.
“Hey, Flocco.”
