I moved toward the door. He stood in front of it.
“Nah.”
“It’s best you start getting hard for somebody, because whatever I thought I was coming over to repair is dead, Flocco. So, whether you let me out now or in the morning, that won’t change.”
The tears came. They came like waves in the deepest parts of the ocean. I was drowning in disgust and pain and pride and regret.
“I’m sorry.”
His words hardly meant anything anymore. Before now, they meant the most, even when I didn’t have the heart to admit it.
“I’m sorry, Hyph. I am. I– I fucked up. I–” he breathed out, unsure of his next set of words.
I wanted nothing more than for him to shut up.
“Let me fix this.”
“You can’t,” I admitted, wiping my face for the hundredth time. “I’m not like them, Hyph. I won’t hurt you. I’ve been waiting on you. Waiting on me for what, Flocco? Waiting on our first spat so you could fuck the first available woman in Dooley? Huh? Is that what you’ve been waiting on me for? To break my heart?
“Worse than any other motherfucker ever could? You’re right. You’re not like them. You’re worse, Flocco. Cause, they’ve only ever been a lick for me. Not you. I never put you in that category. I couldn’t. I liked you. And, it didn’t take very long for me to figure out I loved you. There isn’t a man near or far who can say they’ve touched me since I’ve returned to Dooley. Nobody but you. It was always going to be you, Flocco.”
I watched as his features changed. The truth hurts. It hurt us both.
“I just needed time and space and to get my shit together. To get my ducks in a row. I wasn’t busting my ass because I wanted to sit in niggas’ faces and laugh. I had a plan. I always have aplan. Cause the one time I didn’t, a nigga shitted on me. I can never do that to myself again.
“My bills will be paid for the next five years because of the same niggas you catch slipping. My school tuition is paid. My mortgage will be paid in full. I am setting myself up for success and just because it doesn’t look like the path others take, it’s getting the job done. When I said I didn’t have the capacity for a relationship, it wasn’t because I didn’t want you.
“It wasn’t because I wanted to keep playing niggas. It was because I didn’t need any distractions. This fall I’ll be entering nursing school. All of this hustling hasn’t been for nothing. It’s given me a good enough cushion to focus on one thing for the next four years. MY DEGREE. I left my last relationship with nearly nothing.
“I won’t do that again. Not for nobody. Not even you. So, I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry this didn’t work out the way you wanted it to and I’m sorry for showing up at your home the way I did.”
“Can we start over, Hyph?”
“I’m not who you need, Flocco. I’m tired. I want to go home. So, please…”
He didn’t protest. He slid over, unlocking one door after the other. It wasn’t until I was out in my car, down the street, and out of sight that I stopped. My right hand banged against the steering wheel as tears cascaded down my face.
CHAPTER
TWELVE
In the daytime with a flashlight.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
I pounded on Hyphen’s door, regretting the day I returned her key. It had been nearly a full four weeks since she’d left my home. I’d been fucked up from that day forward.
While I wanted to give her space to sort through her emotions, I felt like she was getting over a nigga. That was not sitting well with me. Neither was the look on her face or the tears in her eyes or the brokenness etched in her posture.
Boom.
Boom.
