They sat, and this time, Tean’s leg was pressed against Jem’s.He didn’t take Jem’s hands again because Jem sat with his arms folded, his shoulders angled in classic defensive posturing.But he sat as close as he could.
“I’m not okay, actually,” Jem said in a low voice.“I mean, obviously.That’s the fucked-up part.”
Tean waited.
“Like I said,” Jem said, “I’ve got all this shit going on in my head.”He hesitated.“I think that’s why I was having such a hard time with the vows.”
“We don’t have to do vows, Jem.We don’t have to get married.”
“Are you kidding?Of course I want to get married.You think I’m going to let you get away?”
In that moment, he sounded so much like that old Jem that Tean found himself smiling.“Well, we don’t have to rush into anything,” Tean said.“I’m sorry I was putting so much pressure on us.We can slow down.”
“I’m going to have to work on some stuff,” Jem said.“It’s scary.It feels like—like someone’s going to take it away.And then I start thinking it’d be better if I left first, before that happens.”He fell silent.But then he said, “My whole life, I’ve been taking care of myself.But Tinajas was telling me— Well, she helped me see I might have some stuff I need to work on.Not just about the wedding or us or anything.But, like, dealing with what happened to me when I was in care.It just shows up sometimes, she said.Like you walk around a corner, everything’s normal, and then there it is, and your life changes.And then you have to deal with it.I think maybe it was seeing Wendell.Remembering what happened.And I’m a lot older now, so I kind of know what happened in a way I didn’t when I was a kid.”
Tean nodded.But what he didn’t say was that part of it, too, was that for the first time in his life, Jem had someone who wanted to take care of him.And for a man who had defined himself as a protector, who had built that identity as a way to survive abuse and neglect and the horrors of a youth correctional facility, the hardest change might be learning to see that he, too, had been a victim, and that sometimes, he might need someone to protect him.
All he said was “Do you want to talk to someone?”
“No,” Jem said.And then with a wry grin that exposed his crooked front teeth, Jem added, “I don’t know.”
A soft laugh escaped Tean.“You don’t have to talk to someone right now.Not if you don’t want to.I think it could help, though.”
“We had to talk to people in care,” Jem said.And then, with a moan that even Daniel would have been proud of, he added, “It was the fuckingworst.”
Tean laughed again, his chest looser this time.
“It was,” Jem insisted.“They didn’t care what you said.They told everybody everything.And it was a different person every time.It sucked.”
“It would be different now.But if you don’t want to, that’s okay too.”
Jem’s shoulders came down.He slid his hands along his thighs to cup his knees.“I was thinking—” But then he stopped.Color rose in his cheeks, and he ran his thumb along the seam of his jeans, his eyes fixed on the movement.“I was thinking maybe it would help if I could write about it.Just get it all out of my head.”
Tears stung Tean’s eyes.“Of course.”
“Like that letter you wrote me.You know?”
“I know.”
“And if I had any questions, I could ask you.You don’t have to read it or anything.I just might want to ask you questions about how to get better at writing.”
“Anything, my love,” Tean said.“Always.”
32
At McDonald’s, Jem had a french fry halfway to his mouth and then stopped and said, “You know what I don’t get?”
“I don’t know,” Tean said.He was considering the salad in front of him.He’d separated out the chicken and the crunchy stuff—fried onions, maybe?—and set the dressing packet aside so he could pick at the lettuce.And because Jem was still in the doghouse he was letting him get away with it.“WhatIdon’t get,” Tean said, “is how you tricked me into coming to McDonald’s.”
“We had to eat dinner somewhere.”
“I had everything to make quinoa salad at home.”
“Plus you were being extra sweet to me,” Jem said.“You asked if I was hungry, and I shrugged, and then you asked if I’d eaten anything all day, and I did that face that I know makes you immediately jump to the absolute worst possible conclusion, and I opened all the cabinet doors to see if we had anything good, and when you offered to make quinoa, I said, ‘That’s okay, I’m not really hungry, I guess.’”
Tean held a piece of lettuce between his fingers, watching him.
“Uh,” Jem said.“Not really important.”
