“I know, Chan.I know.”We both stare off into the distance, letting the silence settle around us.
“I’m sorry,” I finally say.
He turns to look at me, and I meet his gaze.“Sorry for what?”
“Running.”I shrug.I go on to tell him how I came home and that I left right after, without saying anything to anyone, making up an excuse to him and Mom for why I wasn’t coming home to visit, and instead they came to me.“I haven’t told Mom yet.”
“We knew,” he tells me.
“What?”I ask, my mouth falling open.
He grins.“Mom knew you were home.She saw you, then Ellison and the guys having a good time.She knew you were hurting.We both did.We were already planning to head to see you before you called her that day.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?Yell at me for being selfish?Kick my ass and make me come home and face it?”
“You asked us not to, Cope.Besides, we knew that you were hurting, and we didn’t want to make it worse for you.”He pauses.“You know, you told us not to talk about her, and we respected that.That day, she was laughing, but there were so many days before and after that she wasn’t.Then, they lost their parents, and I thought that might bring you home, but I was wrong.”
“I wrote to her,” I tell him.“So many damn letters, Chan.She never answered a single one.She and I sat down and talked last weekend, and she claims to have never gotten them.”
“Do you believe her?”
“Yeah.”I sigh.“I do.I don’t know how, because you and Mom got every letter I wrote to you.How could hers not make it?She even asked her sisters, and no one remembers letters.So much fucking wasted time.I wish like hell I’d stayed that day.She could be my wife.Our kids would be cousins,” I say, my voice cracking.I fucking hate all the time I wasted, running over hurt feelings and a few letters with no replies.“And now, Mom is sick, and I should have been here, Chandler.I should have fucking been here.I said four years, just like you, and I ended up being gone for almost two damn decades.”I shake my head in disgust.
Chandler’s hand lands on my shoulder.“You can’t do that, Copeland.You can’t dwell on the past.You’re here now.You’re home to stay, and you said you met with Ellison.How’s that going?”
I nod.“I know, but damn, I wasted so much time away from everyone I love.”Leaning forward, I rest my elbows on my knees.“We talked, we fought, and I made the decision to show her every damn day what she still means to me, what she will always mean to me.I can only hope that one day, I’ll be where you are.Ellison as my wife, a couple of kids running around the yard, and Mom sitting on this porch, taking it all in,” I say, feeling my throat getting tight, thinking about missing out on the dream I’ve always had but let slip through my fingers.
“She didn’t fight either.She could have made an effort to reach you.”
“I know, but dammit, I was here,” I say, feeling the disgust wash over me again.
“You were young.You both were.It happens.Relationships are hard.Mace and I have had our fair share of ups and downs.It’s learning and loving through those mistakes that’s important.”
“Sounds like sage advice, big brother.”
He laughs.“All right, enough of the heavy.When are you getting your ass to work?James Farrier Services has been missing its second owner for far too long.”
“I’m ready when you are.I’m a little rusty, I’m sure, but I imagine it’s like riding a bike, and I’ll be back in the swing of things in no time.You tell me when you need me.”
“I was thinking we could take shifts.I don’t want you to be the one always taking Mom to her appointments and dealing with the hard shit.Mace and I want to help, too.”
I nod.“I can do it.You’ve been taking care of her for the last seventeen years.”
Chandler tosses his head back in laughter.“Come on now, little brother.We both know our mom has been taking care of herself just fine.”
“Right.Did you know she lied about the room?”
“What room?”
“My room.She said it was full of junk, or crafting, or whatever, and that she had no room for me.She said that you and Macie were full, as well, and insisted I stay close at the Manor.”
“I’m not surprised.Macie and I had a huge fight when she was pregnant with Colter.It was stupid, about the nursery.Tensions were high.I was scared out of my damn mind about her giving birth, about being a dad, about leaving them too soon, the way our dad left us.”He raises his hand in the air.“I know he didn’t leave us.I know it was an accident that took him from us, but I was being irrational.We argued over stupid shit, and Mom interfered.She asked us both to meet her at the park for a walk and some fresh air.Mom wasn’t there when I showed up, but Macie was.We spent hours on that park bench, talking about our future, our fears, and, while I know we would have made it through, Mom was still there to help us.That’s how she shows that she cares.”
“Yeah, I called her out on it earlier, and she confessed.”
“So, are you moving here?”He nods to the house behind us.
“Nope.She put me as close to Ellison as I can be, and I’m taking every advantage I can get.Besides, I’m hopeful that when I leave the Manor as a guest, it’s to move in with my girl, and that we’re starting a life together.”
