The morning only brings me more emotion. I am edgy and bolted awake by the pressuring need to know that all of us are still intact. I’m alone in bed, but I do remember Chris staying with me all night. His familiar hold, his smell, his breath as I slept has given me enough comfort to face whatever is next.
I stumble to the bathroom and douse my face with cold water. I look like all hell. I slept for seven hours, but that did little to prevent my eyes from getting red and puffy. I throw on a tank top and loose pants, and then I head downstairs to the kitchen.
Chris and Sabin are talking in the living room, but I avoid looking their way, and I take my time with brewing an espresso and frothing milk. I stand by the sink and drink half of it before I’m able to walk across the room and sit in an armchair.
Chris doesn’t appear to have gotten any sleep. His eyes are dark and heavy, yet he exudes the same steadiness he had last night. He’s on the couch next to Sabin, who has his head in his hands, as he listens to his brother.
“Sabin, I didn’t mean to do this to you. The only thing that I could control at all back then was what I did to keep you guys as safe as I could.” Chris pauses. “As much as I fucking hate talking about this, I’ve had a lot of therapy. It’s all rough, and every minute in the office hurts, but it helps. It really does. It’s taught me to see my life and to find the words to talk about it.”
It’s evident how difficult this is for him, but Chris is able to shake himself into doing what he needs to.
“The truth is, I haven’t wanted to focus on you. That’s another level of my own pain that fucks me up worse to think about. But I get what you’re going through. It makes sense.” Chris tenses for a second but pulls himself back in. “Now, I understand how the way I stepped in might have backfired because you feel like you didn’t get to do what I did.”
“I wanted to save you like you saved me,” Sabin says through tears.
“Well, fuck. Ididn’tsave you. I couldn’t stop everything that happened, so don’t fool yourself into thinking I did. And what you need to know is that you did help me. Tremendously. You did something I never could have, which was getting Eric and Estelle away from whatever the fuck our father was doing to me. Youhidthem. Think aboutallthose times you hid them. No one else could have distracted them the way you did. You sang to them, you told stories, you played games, and you got them to laugh. Do you have any idea how important that was?
“So, you don’t have anything to feel guilty about. I don’t want that for you. But I also get that you’re angry with me because there were a lot of times that I didn’t let you get in his path. I can’t apologize for that because I’d do it again. I wouldn’t go back and let you suffer in that way.”
Chris puts a hand on Sabin’s back and leans on his shoulder. “There was no right way for us to handle that shitstorm we grew up in. We were going to come out damaged in one way or another, no matter what, and we were all in an impossible situation. We were just kids. We did the best we could. But I will always feel like I didn’t do enough, that I should have been braver. And I’m sure you’ll feel the same way, too.”
Sabin continues crying, and Chris sits silently with him and lets the tears flow. I’ve never seen Sabin cry this way or for this long, and it’s extraordinarily painful. It’s necessary though, and I hope letting go like this will help him.
Chris wraps his other arm around his brother and tightly hugs him. “You were wonderful, and you still are wonderful. And I’m sorry if I made everything more fucked up for you than it already was. I’m far from perfect, but I love you, and I don’t want you bottling all this up and torturing yourself. We’ve had enough of that.
“Last night, Blythe said to me that we have to talk about these things. She’s right. This is probably the first time you and I have really been open about all this shit—how awful our childhood was and what it’s doing to us now. I know it’s hard, and it all sucks, but it’s the only way we’re going to get better.”
Speaking fears and shame will do miraculous things. I’m proof of that.
Sabin nods into his hands and finally looks to Chris. “I’m not angry with you. I’m really not. How could I be? It’s just that I let everything get all twisted up and distorted. It’s true, what you said. I wanted to do more. I feel like I should have. But that’s not your fault, Chris. It’s not. Please know that. He’s not here anymore for me to be angry at, so…I’ve been throwing my rage at you. It was wrong.
“I just wanted to erase everything that had happened, so you wouldn’t have to be so fucking heroic, so you wouldn’t have had to do what you did for me and the twins. Because youwereheroic. You were wonderful. Thank you. Thank you, Chris. I’ve never told you that. I am…” His voice breaks. “I am so grateful. And I love you.”
Now, he looks at me, his eyes so full of sadness and fear. “Blythe.”
“It’s all okay,” I say immediately. “We’re going to be okay.”
“Did you…” he starts.
“Yes,” I say softly. “I told Chris everything. I had to.”
“Oh God.” He rubs his eyes and stands up. “I need coffee.”
When he walks past me to the kitchen, I notice that he touches a hand to where he burned himself, and I questioningly look at Chris.
“It’s not that bad,” he says softly. “It’ll heal.”
Sabin returns and now sits on the far end of the couch, away from Chris. “I don’t even know what to say. You’ve got to be pissed about Blythe. I don’t know why this is fucking happening.”
Chris smiles. “I’m not pissed. I talked to Blythe a little bit last night, and I told her that I think I understand this better than you guys do. Look, Sabin, I don’t think you’re in love with her. I really don’t. I’ll ask you the same thing I asked her. Are you attracted to her? Do you think about getting her in bed? Are you getting hard left and right when you’re—”
“God, Chris! Shut up! No! That’s creepy. She’s Blythe! She’s my friend—” Sabin catches himself. “Oh. Huh. Well, that’s interesting.”
Monumental relief takes over, and I laugh when Sabin finally looks my way.
“I’ll refrain from being insulted,” I say with a smile.
He looks sheepish, but he smiles, too.
