God, I want him so much.
I walk us backward and sink onto the bed, and he crawls over me, keeping his weight on his arms but settling his waist between my legs. I lift up into him, desperate to be closer.
But then, he freezes. “I don’t think…Stella, we should probably wait.”
His expression is so sweet, yet it shreds me.
“Wait? Wait for what, Sam?” I can’t hide the confusion in my voice.
“It’s just…” He softly kisses me, briefly, on the mouth.
“You don’t want this?” Could I have fabricated what I thought was between us? Iamstill recovering from my past and prone not to understand things as they are, so maybe that’s what I’ve done.
But I’m looking into his eyes, and I know—I just know—that I am right about us. We both feel this connection, this inexplicable bond. Now, only concern and warmth are on his face.
Sam tips his head and gives the hint of a smile. “I’m dying to be with you.”
“So, what’s the problem?” My legs wrap over his, and I pull him back onto me.
“What you said a few weeks ago. About the last guy you were with. About disappearing during sex. It kills me that it was like that for you because that means that whatever happened was all kinds of fucked-up wrong, Stella. It’s not okay, and it’s not how it should have been for you. I keep thinking about that, and it’s really been bothering me, so I don’t want to rush things.” Sam pauses and drops his head onto my shoulder. “He hurt you, didn’t he?”
This is an impossible question for me to answer. Physically, no. But Jay hurt me, I hurt me, my mother hurt me, my father, my sister…the list goes on and on. “I’m okay.”
He hesitates and then says, “You flinch sometimes when I touch you. Just at first.”
I didn’t realize this.Okay, fine, I think.MaybeI’ve caught myself a few times, but I thought I hid it better.
I slip my hands up next to my head and work them under his palms. “That’s not about you. It could never be. This is different.We’redifferent.”
“You don’t have a good history, and I want to be careful with you.”
I love that he says this and that he sees more about me than just what I’ve told him.
“You will be careful with me. I know that. You have a history, too. Everyone does. A slew of one-night stands with tourists probably isn’t how it’s supposed to be either. We both have damage, but I want us to be together so much. You have to believe that. Sam, it feels like we’ve been waitingforever, not just weeks.”
“I don’t want you going through the motions, sleeping with me, because you think you’re supposed to or something. You can’t…you can’t ever feel like I’m using you. Or that…God, I don’t want you to think I’m some asshole guy who just wants to get laid. If you want this and you’re ready, then I am. Just promise, you won’t disappear on me, that you’ll stay present and…grounded.”
“I won’t disappear. You can give me something that I haven’t had before.”
Sam thinks for a minute. “You’ll let me show you what it’s supposed to be like when you care about someone?”
I’m glad that I left the light on in this room, so I can see how fucking gorgeous he looks when he says those words. “Yes.”
He smiles back and grinds into me. He is definitely still hard. “When you really, really care about someone.”
“Yes.”
Sam kisses me, letting his lips barely touch mine, before he puts his mouth to my ear and whispers, “When you love someone.”
Again, he’s left me virtually speechless, but I whisper back, “Yes.” Every part of me is electrified and totally aching for him, for his body, for his heat, for his entire being.
“And we can stop anytime you want. You just tell me.”
“I won’t want to stop,” I breathe.
“You might change your mind. That’s okay.”
“Bishop, please fuck me.”
