“I can take it,” he says. “Now, give me your arm back.”
“Fine.” I rest my arm across his legs while he tries to rub away the craving. “So, I’m going to need to start tripping regularly?”
Costa doesn’t look at me. “At some point. Maybe.”
I finish my beer and take his. All this talk of tripping is only upping my desire. “Maybe that point should be now.”
“No way,” he says quickly.
“Why not? You could trip me again, Costa.”
“You’re just still hungry for death from being around Sam.”
“So what? I can’t do it myself. I’m too scared.” I stare at him until he’s forced to look into my eyes. “But you could do it for me.”
“You’re being crazy. And I’m already on thin ice with Sam, so there’s no way in hell I’m tripping you.”
“Maybe it’ll make me stronger. Then, I can focus on Sam, on getting him a vision.”
“Nice try. I’mnottripping you. When Sam’s back in his right mind, you can talk to him about this. But I’m pretty sure he won’t trip you either. Sam believes in only doing it yourself. Well, obviously, except when he’s like this. He’s just desperate though. He resents me enough for tripping you in the first place.”
I can tell there’s no getting Costa to budge on tripping me, and it’s probably for the best. I just have to ride out this craving. “Sam says we’re tied together—you and me. Do you think that’s true?”
He freezes.
“Costa?”
“Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. Probably a little.”
“When I was under the surface, you reacted to my touch—”
“That wasn’t because I tripped you.” He takes his beer back. “Or maybe it was. I guess that makes sense.”
“Is there something else that you’re not telling me?”
“No.” He looks at the sky and smiles. “Check out all the stars tonight.”
“Costa, I’m serious. I feel like there’s another piece to this whole death tripping. What else is there?”
“I’m telling you what I can. Fuck, I don’t know everything,” he says with a scoff. “I might have tripped more than Sam, but we’re all just winging it.”
“There has to be someone who knows what we are, what the rules are. The guy who tripped you? Haven’t you tried to find him again?”
“No. He was just some dude. I don’t know who he was, so there’s no way to find him.”
“But maybe he could help us with Toby?”
Costa throws the bottle off the roof, and it shatters on a rock below. “I’m doing the best I can in this, okay?”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I know you are. We all are.”
“No,I’msorry. Don’t you know that it rips my heart out to see Sam like this? Especially because I’m sober. It hurts me as much as it does you, but I’m stuck. Do you see that, Stella? Christ, I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”
“I get it. I get it. We’re going to figure this out. But we have to get him clean first. Sam can’t continue like this.”
“Fine. I agree. We’ll get him clean, and then we’ll…come up with a new plan.”
“If Toby can be surfaced, we will find a way. I swear to you. Look, you had Toby after you were a death tripper. Maybe our DNA changes after we’ve been tripped, so you could have passed on a genetic component. He could be strong already.”
“You know, you’re right. I didn’t think about that.” He lets out an exhausted laugh. “Right now, it feels like everything is a possibility, and nothing is a possibility.”
I put an arm over his shoulders. There is a bond between us. I don’t know what it is or where it came from, but I feel that strongly today. Maybe it’s our mutual love for Sam. Maybe it’s from watching him care for Sam, the mix of capability and concern and vulnerability Costa brings. Maybe it’s because he made me a death tripper. Maybe, despite so much, we just have a true friendship.
But my connection to Costa is real. I just can’t get clear on why.
“Show me pictures of Toby again,” I ask.
Costa takes his cell out, and we spend the end of the day looking at the little boy who makes all of this worth it.
