“I told you. Got lost, long wait, blah, blah. Let’s eat. And drink!”
She sits on the floor and pulls out a bottle of tequila. “Picnic time. Let’s just set everything out here.”
“I guess. I’ll get a towel or something—”
“Stop being so uptight. Sit. Eat. Don’t worry about messes. There are bigger problems in the world than a bit of soy sauce on the rug.”
I frown but sit down anyway and start to set out the cartons of food. “You’re as slobby as Esben.”
She unscrews the cap from the tequila and takes a long drink. “Esben’s a slob? I knew I liked him. And you got past my lack of obsessive-compulsive tidiness, so you can get past his.”
I can feel her staring at me with hopeful eyes while I locate chopsticks and dig in to the carton of dumplings. “He helped find a lost parrot once. Using social media. I looked through his old pages. Stuff that he’s done.”
“I saw that parrot one!” she squeals. “Did you see how he started a dance party in a mall once?”
I laugh. “No, I missed that.”
“Insane! I’ll show you. And that boy’s got some moves, by the way. Just so you know.”
For the rest of the night, we eat way too much food, Steffi drinks way too much tequila, though I only have a few shots, and we cruise the Internet and read about Esben Baylor and his various social projects. At two in the morning, when both of us are overtired and simply cannot stay awake, we get into bed.
I stir at six in the morning. Steffi is sitting next to me, her hand on my arm.
“You ready to go?” I murmur.
She nods and squeezes my arm. “Yeah.”
My eyes adjust to the dark. “Text me when you land in LA, okay?”
“Of course.” Then she leans over and puts her arms around me, hugging me tightly.
“I love you, Steff.”
“I love you, too, Allison.” She holds me more tightly. “Be brave. With yourself, with Esben, with everything. Okay? Tell me you will.”
“Okay...”
“No, tell me that from now on, you will be brave. Take more risks. And mean it. It’s time. You can’t live in this room and never go out. You’re going to miss too much. So tell me.”
My thoughts are still foggy in the early morning, but I know this is important to her, so I agree. I promise. “I’ll be brave, Steffi. From now on, I’ll be brave.”
CHAPTER 12
BEAR
Monday morning arrives both too quickly and not fast enough. I jolt awake at five in the morning, unable to fall back asleep. This is a pivotal day for me. It’s a day when I will either crawl back into my hole or make massive changes in my life. Both options ripple terror through me, but I am truly more scared to retreat than I am to advance. I promised Steffi that I would be brave, and I need to do that, but not just for her. The ache for more, the ache that I have been pushing away for so long now, has become too strong to ignore. It was already growing, but I’m finally admitting to myself that those one hundred and eighty seconds with Esben somehow threw me into a whirlwind.
Either I get slammed to the ground by that force or I soar. What I’m going through is not Esben’s fault, and I’m not angry with him anymore. Esben caught me on a vulnerable afternoon. He couldn’t have known that I’d be so fragile and fearful.
Of him, of everything.
Hurt, rejection, and emptiness made up my childhood, and they have controlled me for so long now that I don’t know if I can stop them.
But, God, I want to. I don’t want to live like this.
I throw my arm over my eyes to dam the tears that threaten to come.
I am so ashamed of how cold I am. That I have only one friend. That I live in a bubble of my own creation.
