“No.” Cal’s voice conveys only intense sincerity and gentleness. “No. You did what you could. You made the choice that you felt was right at the time, and no one could ever fault you for that. We get why you couldn’t trust us. Joan and I get it.” He rubs a finger under his eyes. “That doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are a family. Okay?” He forces a smile. “Do you hear that we adore you? That you’re our daughter? Because that’s the truth.”
A new level of comprehension and acceptance sweeps over her. I can see it. I can see that Steffi takes in their love.
“Thank...you.” Steffi shifts a bit, clearly in pain. “I love you both, too. I do.” She hits the morphine button.
When she settles and looks my way, I find myself shifting to another emotional state, to a new kind of peace, to a harbor where there is nothing but the two of us. The sterile, monotone, scary hospital room recedes into nothingness.
It’s coming.
I crawl into her bed, laying my body next to hers. She has always held me, but tonight, I hold her.
“Allison...”
“It’s okay, Steffi. It’s okay.”
“Before I forget...there are some things I have to tell you. Final things.”
Inside, I scream. I rail against this. But I won’t let her hear that. “Anything.”
“My ashes. I don’t want...” She struggles for breath. “I asked for ashes. But I don’t want to be in some gross urn. We clear? You scatter my ashes in the ocean.”
“I’ll do anything you want.” Emotionless, I’m about the practical now. I have to be. “California or anywhere?” I touch her hair. “Simon and I are going to the Cape or the Vineyard this summer. Would you want that?”
There’s a long pause. “The Vineyard. That’s perfect.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do.”
“And—”
“And Cal and Joan will come with us, yes,” I say for her. “Yes.”
“Absolutely,” Cal says.
She squeezes my hand lightly. “Esben.”
“Him, too,” I confirm.
“Not...sad. Okay?” Steffi looks at me with hope.
“No, we won’t be sad that day, my beautiful girl,” Joan answers when I cannot. “We will celebrate how much joy you brought us all. It will be a day of celebration, not of tears.”
Steffi looks peaceful after those words, and her eyes grow heavy. “After this. When I’m gone. You’ll be okay, though, right?”
“I will,” I promise her. “Donotworry about me. Please don’t. I will miss you forever, but I will get through this. You told me to be brave, and I can do that.”
“Promise?”
“Yes.” I hate lying to her, but I have to. “The only thing that matters right now is that I love you. And that you trust that I am strong. It’s time for you to trust that, okay? Steffi, you are my heart, and I will always love you. To the goodnight moon and back. Always and forever.”
She breathes through the mask for a while. “I’m so tired...Allison? I just want to sleep for a little,” she says behind the flow of oxygen. “Do you mind?”
“You sleep as long as you want.”
Slowly, she looks at Cal and Joan and then back to me. “You’ll be here when I wake up? I’m so sorry...I just need a little nap.”
“We will be here when you wake up.” Because I have to be a rock right now, I do not cry when I say this. “We will be here. So, you sleep, Steffi. Just sleep. And have beautiful, wondrous dreams.”
Steffi smiles a little, then taps her mask, and I lift it. “My mom and dad came,” she says in a whisper.
