Oh. He had felt that, too.
“It’s just that… I went too far with you, and I shouldn’t have. I’m not really boyfriend material.”
I glare at him. “That’s rather presumptuous of you. Who says I want a boyfriend? Or that I wantyouto be my boyfriend?”
This, I am somewhat surprised to discover, is true. While, yes, I have spent more than enough time fantasizing about Chris, and I can’t deny the fierce connection that I feel with him, I haven’t really considered the idea of having an actual relationship with him. I’ve imagined lots of nakedness and dirty talk, yes, but commitment? No. Life is just starting to surprisingly and wonderfully creep back into my screwed-up soul, which means I am hardly equipped at the moment to sort out boyfriend stuff. It’s a relief to recognize this.
“Did you ever consider that maybe I’m not girlfriend material?”
Chris strokes his finger over the top of my hand. “Yes, you are. You’re outstanding girlfriend material. I’m the one who’s all kinds of fucked up. Trust me. You and I are better off as—”
“Don’t you dare say the F word, or I swear to God I’ll pass out.”
He says nothing. His eyes are gentle, sorrowful even, and I feel terrible.
“It’s fine,” I continue. “Things got a little out of hand. We’re back to normal now. Restaurant buddies, dorm mates.” I stare at the windshield again and try to appear fascinated by the snow, but I can feel him watching me. “Stop looking at me. It’s annoying.”
“I can’t.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Chris takes an eternity to respond. “I can’t stop thinking about you, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Chris? I’ve hardly seen you at all.”
“I know. I’ve been trying to stay away from you. I don’t want to lose you, but I don’t know that I can get into a relationship with you, either—”
“Chris.” I stop him, unsure what I want to say. My hand is still in his.This—touching him, being with him—feels impossibly comfortable and right. I put my other hand on top of his and squeeze. Is his a perfect hand? To some, maybe not. Aside from looking a little rough and chapped from the winter cold, the shape of his hand makes me wonder if he broke it as a child and it wasn’t reset well. I love this hand. Chris may be imperfect, and he makes mistakes, but I can feel his heart, and I know that he is mine. In what capacity, I don’t know, because what I feel for him is complex. It’s so easy to be with him and yet also too much. I think I’m starting to understand a little why he ran from me that night.
Still, I want to be with him, in whatever way either of us can tolerate. I don’t want to give him up.
“Don’t stay away,” I finally say calmly. “Don’t. We don’t have to be boyfriend and girlfriend. We don’t have to be defined. We don’t have to let anything happen on beds or up against doors. We can just be us. We can just bethis,” I say as I squeeze his hand again.
Chris leans in through the window and holds his cheek to mine as he wraps an arm around my neck and holds me. There are a million things that I want to say to him, and an equal number of things I don’t, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he feels the same.
12
FINDING SOLACE
I GLARE ATthe fantastically ugly Neon Jesus painting that is propped up on top of Estelle’s dresser and try to imagine what it’s like to believe that someone is watching out for me, protecting me. It’s just not possible for me to believe that there are reasons for things. I once had faith, and went to church with my family, but now I don’t know what to believe or how to believe. I imagine that anyone who goes through trauma like I have wonders the same things I do: how God can exist and allow such awful things to happen. There are no reasons for my parents’ death, and that’s that. There is nothing like trauma to make you see the world clearly, and now that I know there is no God, I cannot go back.
Maybe that’s part of why I am so uncomfortable with Estelle’s ridiculous Jesus painting. Yes, there is the simple fact that it’s goddamn ugly, but mostly it’s a reminder of what I have lost and what she still has. Considering that Estelle spends significantly less time in our room than I do, it doesn’t seem fair that I am subjected to this piece of trash. Estelle describes the painting as the equivalent of fan fiction. “It’s an homage to his character,” she said once. “A fanciful play on ideology.”
Whatever the fuck it is, I don’t like it.
Aside from the unfortunate decoration, Estelle is a great roommate. I even wish she were around more, but she tends to come home late at night. I haven’t asked where she’s coming from, but it’s obvious she’s seeing someone. Well, or fucking someone. Since she’s made no mention of whoever this guy is, I assume that he is not going to pass the sibling-approval test Chris referred to.
I love how energetic, outspoken, and fun she is, and how she routinely throws barely worn clothing in my direction, claiming the clothes aren’t her style. She brings home unusual food from the restaurant, so we always have something to pull from the mini fridge, and because of her relentless pestering, I now own more stylish running gear than I really need. If I’m not careful, I’m going to develop an addiction to online shopping, but Estelle makes browsing through websites fun. It seems that she has money to burn, and although living with her is getting expensive, investing a little in a few pieces of new clothing after years of neglect feels allowed.
But the best thing about having her around is that I have a friend, and friends, I am learning, can change everything. For example, the fact that Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I am happy to be spending it here with the Shepherd siblings instead of going back to my aunt’s house.
To be honest, I’m especially happy to be spending it with Chris. We’ll be getting lots of time together thanks to Eric, who is organizing Thanksgiving dinner, because he paired me up with Chris to complete about six thousand shopping and cooking tasks. Things between us feel comfortable and much less weird since our talk.
And at least one thing is certain: Chris and I are inextricably connected. Do I have factual reasons to know this? Proof? Assurances? No. None.
Some people believe in God; I believe in Chris.
So I am not upset that we’re not a couple because, however idiotic it may sound when I tell myself this, I know,I just know, that our time will come. But it’s not now. For now, we are on hold. And it’s not a painful place to be. It’s the opposite in fact, because not only do I have him in my life now, I have something to look forward to.
