“Oh, I don’t know. They all look the same to me.” I look around at the array of sets. “It just needs to work.”
“That’s an excellent quality to look for in a TV.”
Now I slap his arm. “You pick. Don’t zero out my bank account, but pick the most awesome one or there’s going to be hell to pay. I’m going to check on Sabin.”
I locate him, not surprisingly, in the small appliance section. When he sees me coming, he joyfully holds up a box and yells, “See? I told ya! Coffee, toast, eggs, and bacon! All at once! It’s a miracle!”
I laugh. “I’m very glad you found what your heart desires. Let this be my gift to you because I could never pick out such a lovely, er”—I look at the box again—“baby-blue gadget.”
“It’s not a gadget. It’s a ‘breakfast station’,” he corrects me.
“I would love to buy you this breakfast station.”
“Fine. But in return, I’m buying you some DVDs to go along with your new television.” He puts his hand on my back and guides me to the movie section. “Let’s see… We’ll start withBlue Crush.” Sabin starts piling discs into his arms. “And then50 First Dates. Oooooh!Lilo & Stitch! How aboutPearl Harbor?” He waves the movie at me and winks.
“Kind of a random selection.” I stare at the movies until it clicks. It’s not a random selection at all. All of those movies have one thing in common. Hawaii. “Oh, God damn it, you were awake in the car, weren’t you?”
Sabin starts to dance idiotically in the aisle. “We’re goin’ to Hawaii! Oh yes, we are! Gonna be some hula girls and some mahi-mahi dinners! Swimming and snorkeling—”
“Shhhh! Stop it! You’re not supposed to know!” I look around to make sure Chris isn’t nearby. “Don’t tell him you heard anything, okay? He’s really excited to surprise you.”
“Okay, okay. I promise. Not a word.” He turns serious for a minute. “I do have some words foryou, though.”
I frown. “Shoot.”
“Chris is smart, but he doesn’t know everything.”
“What do you mean?”
“Look, Blythe, last night you told me to let Estelle have her God, to believe in what she needed to.” He sighs. “You have to do the same. If you believe in…” He looks around the chaotic store and starts over. “I didn’t hear the whole story, but I don’t have to know details to realize that you’ve been through some shit, and you have every right to hold tight to whatever gets you through the night. Know what I mean, sugar? Maybe you believe that coincidences aren’t coincidences. Maybe you have your own version of a higher power, or you trust in the belief that there are connections among seemingly disconnected parts of the universe. Maybe you have a spiritual side that has nothing to do with God or religion, one that’s just your own.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I don’t.”
“I think you do. Don’t let Chris talk you out of something that’s real to you. He’s brilliant, and beautiful, and about as perfect as they come, but that doesn’t make him right about everything. Hell, even though I freaked out on Estelle, I don’t know there isn’t something else. You don’t know that, and even Chris doesn’t know that. There’s nothing wrong with that. We don’t have to know everything. If you believe in fate and some kind of meaning and sense in this fucked-up world, then believe with abandon, love. Enjoy it.”
For a minute, despite the sound of the loudspeaker sales announcements and the nonstop chatter of shoppers, everything seems quiet. It is just me and Sabin in this huge store, and I’m overwhelmed at how well he’s tapped into my internal battle. My secret wish to believe in fate, spirituality, orsomethingso I don’t have to exist with only the cold certainty I feel that there is nothing bigger than random chance. Yet Sabin’s words have somehow alleviated the pain I feel over the discord, and for a moment I wonder if it’s okay to be undecided. Or maybe to even hope forsomething.
Chris appears. “All set.”
I break away from Sabin’s stare. “What’s the damage?” I ask.
“Nothing. You’re all set. We can pull the truck around to the back and they’ll load it in for us.”
It takes me a second to understand what he’s telling me. “You bought me a ginormous TV?”
“And we’re going to Hawaii?” Sabin starts jumping up and down and tossing movies at us.
Chris just stands there, grinning.
16
THE OLD AND THE NEW
OUTSIDE IN THEfreezing cold, I try to pace myself on the last run I’ll be doing in Wisconsin this year. Tomorrow morning, December 21, I take a flight home. By the late afternoon, I’ll be back in the house that I grew up in. James comes in on the twenty-third, so I’ll have two days entirely alone. But I am determined not tofeelalone.
I’m not sure where I’ll run at home, and it’s making me anxious. If I get lucky, we won’t have snow, and it’ll just be the cold temperatures that I have to deal with. I’m used to those from running here, and I actually like it now that I have the right running gear. My dependency on running is undeniable, and I know that my workouts are going to suffer over break. The next playlist starts, and I smile. It’s a new one from Chris, and it makes this run easy. More than easy; exhilarating.
After, I shower and pack. Estelle is gone—again—so I set her Christmas present on her bed so that I don’t forget to give it to her before I leave. I have no idea if I’ll see her tonight or even tomorrow morning. As far as I know, none of her siblings know anything about this boyfriend of hers. I certainly wish that I didn’t.
