When he finally reappears and slides my computer back to me, all beaming and crap, I assume I’ll be able to leave in a minute.
“Okay, we didn’t seem to have anyEkeys left, so I went ahead and gave you anFkey.”
“I’m sorry, you what?” I look down at my keyboard.
Jerry is not lying. I now have twoFkeys.
“I made an appointment ten days ago. I specifically said that I needed a newEkey.”
“We didn’t have any in stock. It’s fine,” Jerry says happily.
“No, I mean, when I made the appointment, I was very clear which letter of the alphabet on my keyboard was misbehaving.”
“This works just as well.”
“This does notwork just as well.It’s an entirely different letter.” I push my chair back hard, my irritation reaching a new level. “Are you kidding me? The letterEis not the same as the letterF. Was there not enough time to order the proper key? And so I’ll, what? Take a silver Sharpie and change thisFon my keyboard to anE? Like I won’t notice? Because why? Oh, oh!” I feign dismay. “Oh dear! Is there some kind of frighteningEkey shortage going on? Probably related to tariffs or child labor or an unruly presidency?”
Jerry’s happy face begins to falter. “Miss, I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’tnotsay that!” My voice is escalating, but I simply have no control because I’m too outraged about this keyboard violation. “Wait, wait! Should we all stock up onEkeys because they’re being hunted? On the verge of extinction?” I stand up and begin to pace and flail my arms about as I continue to rant. “So, because of this apparent worldwideEkey shortage, otherEvictims and I will have to deal with being given whatever the fuck keyboard letter of the week you all have in surplus? Is that it? Fucking brilliant!”
It’s no surprise that Jerry is backing away and that most of the store has gone silent.
But I cannot control myself. I lift my laptop and wave it around at the many onlookers. “I mean, myEcan easily become anF, right? Cool. Wild letter switcheroos all over the place! How completely fun!” I giggle crazily. “You know what, Jerry?F-key you!F-KEY YOU!”
Security thinks that was way less funny than I thought as they escort me out of the mall.
