Chevy: EMERGENCY MEETING TONIGHT! We need to solve this case before Santa shimmies his way down every chimney! The killer is still on the loose!
Bunny: Absolutely! I’m tired of having a murderer roaming around ruining the holiday spirit. Plus, I have a reputation for being in the right place at the right time and I intend to maintain it.
Tipper: Henry is stress-baking again. I’m choosing not to read into that.
Hillary: Can we wrap this up quickly? I have a spa appointment at 4 and I absolutely cannot reschedule. My aesthetician is booked through New Year’s. Also, perp orange is simply not in my palette and I’d like to keep it that way.
Kick: Some of us have actual responsibilities! Three kids, four school plays, and a husband who thinks “helping” means giving me more holiday ideas to accomplish on a strict timeline.
Peggy: Sugar, I’ll bring my interrogation supplies and my famous sweet tea. Nothing makes people confess faster than proper Southern hospitality!
Clarabelle: I’ve got my evidence bags, my magnifying glass, and my best interrogation earrings! We’re going to crack this case wide open!
Chevy: The longer we wait, the more time our killer has to destroy evidence or flee to somewhere without extradition treaties. This is serious detective work, people!
Bunny: Plus, I refuse to spend Christmas looking over my shoulder wondering if I’m next. I have parties to attend and men to enchant!
Hillary: Speaking of next… I know I’ve mentioned it before, but shouldn’t we focus on the obvious suspect? I mean, Peyton was literally caught red-handed with the murder weapon.
Kick: Not to mention those threats she doled out. We’re talking amateur hour as far as homicides go. Why isn’t she in handcuffs yet?
Peggy: Y’all, sometimes the most obvious answer is the right answer. Just saying.
I glance over at Peyton, who’s reading over my shoulder with an expression that could freeze hellfire.
“Are they seriously discussing my guilt in a group chat AGAIN?” she hisses.
“They mean well,” I say, though it comes out more of a question as I shrug her way.
Peyton: I’M LITERALLY IN THIS CHAT. I can see everything you’re typing. And I DID NOT MURDER ANYONE!
Bunny: Peyton! How’s the whole murder suspect situation treating you? Asking with love.
Peyton: Don’t you start with me, Bunny. And again, I was trying to HELP that poor witch!
Hillary:Fascinating.
Kick: Also, why would you touch a murder weapon? Everyone knows you don’t disturb a crime scene. Guilty conscience much? Or trying to cover a crime?
Chevy: Plus, you had the most to gain from Seraphina’s death. She was threatening your job, your reputation, your entire career! Classic motive!
Tipper: And you definitely have access to Christmas lights. The country club is practically wallpapered with them right now. Means and opportunity!
Peggy: Honey, it’s not looking good for you. Maybe you should start thinking about plea bargains?
Peyton: This is character assassination via emoji and I want it on record that I find it deeply unprofessional!
Clarabelle: Now sugar, no need to get hostile. Guilt makes people cranky.
Bunny: Should we be concerned that she’s getting angry? Murderers often have explosive tempers...
Hillary: Good point! Peyton, please confirm you’re not currently holding any Christmas decorations or otherpotential weapons? For our safety?
Peyton makes a sound that’s somewhere between a growl and a scream. “This is unbelievable! They’re treating me like I’m already convicted!”
“Welcome to trial by murder club,” I mutter. “It’s like trial by social media, but with more casseroles and interrogation techniques.”
Peyton: For the record, I am completely weaponless and focused on CLEARING MY NAME, not adding to the body count!
