I looked around my house.Those walls no longer felt unfamiliar.They were no longer just walls, just a house that once belonged to my grandparents.It was beginning to feel likemyhouse now.It was starting to feel like home.
I opened the fridge door to consider what to cook for myself for dinner, and… I slowly closed it the moment my brain registered what my eyes had seen.
Under a refrigerator magnet.
A letter with the Cadence College symbol on it.My heart raced.
It had all started some weeks ago, with a conversation I’d had with Miss Amara about the future.She had called me out, in her caring, assertive, straightforward way of being.I had been dodging that topic, making up excuses when Ella offered to brainstorm it.
But Miss Amara had sat with me, said it wasn’t up to her to convince me to do anything, and that she would support every decision I made, but that she believed I was simply avoiding trying out of fear of failing.And that she couldn’t allow me to not believe in myself as much as she believed in me.
The day after that conversation, I had asked to see the school guidance counselor, Mr.Gids, who Miss Amara knew, of course, because not everybody knew everybody in this town, butshedid.
I had been open, honest, and ready to ask him to help guide me to a possible next step.
He did guide me.He took into consideration my financial needs, contacted colleges, checked scholarship listings, and reached out to a network of other counselors and music programs.He helped me fill out applications and mail them.The only people who knew about it were him, Miss Amara, and later my mom, who had been surprised and offered only moral support.I kept avoiding the subject with Ella and ended up telling her I was considering a gap year.She didn’t judge me, as I knew she wouldn’t judge me if I didn’t get accepted to any of the options on the table.Still, I didn’t know why, I preferred not to share it with her.Not yet.I wanted to wait for answers before letting her know… I didn’t want to think about letting her down, getting her excited for me, and then receiving the disappointing news of not being welcomed anywhere.
And there it was.One answer.Closed in an envelope.Stuck to my refrigerator door.
Cadence College was the one I had gotten most excited about.They offered a scholarship that covered tuition fully, so my mom wouldn’t have to worry about it.That way, I could use the small fund saved for college from my grandparents’ inheritance to pay for the dorm and still have some money left.
I couldn’t bring myself to open that piece of paper — the one that could have the power to shape my future.Cadence College’s music scholarship applications required an audition tape: two songs, two instruments.I had chosen a self-composed guitar piece, and Miss Amara had helped me practice piano at her house.We had selected a beautiful classical Chopin piece, a song that always calmed my restless mind.Mr.Gids had recorded it and sent it with my résumé.
My mom hadn’t opened the letter.She had simply left it there, waiting.I took a deep breath.Chopin could be playing right now and everything inside me would still be spinning.
I tore it open as quickly as I could, as if not allowing myself to go back to the fear of knowing.
My eyes scanned those words anxiously, unsure I was truly absorbing everything.
“Dear Mr.Rowan,
We are pleased to inform you that…”
I was overwhelmed with emotions.
There.
There it was.
I wasin.
The decision was mine to make.
I held in my hands the opportunity to start a new chapter of my life.
Chapter 23
Ella
May 21st, 1999
Friday
Mrs.Violet handed me her heaviest grocery bags.I’d offered to help her carry them to her house, which was only a few minutes away from the local market, a shortcut on foot.
It had been a stressful week.My sister caught a cold that passed on to my mom, who was now recovering at home too.I had to pick up my brothers from school, go grocery shopping for the house, and I was supposed to prepare the registration form for people selling support baskets to raise funds for senior year prom.Plus, I had told Saga at the CIC that I would take her shift at the kindergarten so she could go on vacation this week, and I felt a tight knot in my throat.Because maybe I wasn’t able to take care of everything.
After leaving Mrs.Violet and her grocery bags, I returned to the market, mentally reviewing the shopping list that I hadn’t had time to write down on paper.
