“What do you feel that you need right now?”
She stares at the view of the little flickering lights, until finally answering, “Ears to listen, please.”
“Well,” I say, sitting on the floor just like we used to, placing my hands behind me to lean in.“Go ahead.”
Ella offers me a quiet smile and takes one step closer, slowly taking a seat on the floor too.“I feel that moving away from Evermere and my family was really difficult for me when I left for college.I used to visit a lot, but it never got easier on the day I had to go back to the city.Somehow, it’s gotten harder.Now I spend months and months without going there, and I can’t even tell you why.I don’t even notice another month has gone by.”
I offer my full attention to Ella.
Something tells me her busy mind needs to be truly listened to.
So I listen as she tells me how, lately, she’s been feeling like she’s living on autopilot, that the weeks pass by way too fast, and that she can’t quite understand how she’s not reallyfeelinglife.She says she’s slowly starting to realize it now.
“I don’t know.I can’t explain it.Yesterday I was observing strangers and life around, noticing what emotions are awakened in me.And this morning, alone, I thought that it’s in the quiet company of ourselves that we finally hear the truths the world drowns out.”She shrugs, as if thinking what she’s about to say might sound silly, but her chest fills with air and her eyes lower because, to her, it isn’t silly.To her, it matters.She lets out a breath and says, “I’m not noticing life.”
I sit still, observing her.She sits still, observing the view.We both let a few minutes slip by.Then she looks at me, smiles softly, lips closed, closing her sharing.A comfortable silence sits between us, and I gather my courage.
“I’m sorry for leaving Evermere without saying goodbye in person,” I say, and Ella looks at me unexpectedly.
In the next breath, she offers me a quiet, knowing smile.“Don’t worry.Water under the bridge, Miles.”
“Why did you never contact me?”I ask.But I think I know why.First, she was probably mad at me, then she let it go, and later she forgot about it.
But we’re here, being us, and I get to ask her.
“Contact you?”She seems confused.
Nine Years Ago — Into the Past
Chapter40
Miles
July 28th, 1999
Wednesday
There was a lump in my throat.Miss Amara was right.I regretted hurting someone who didn’t deserve to be hurt.And I would regret it if I left without apologizing, without giving Ella the chance to forgive me.
I glanced at Ella’s condo gate, then at the empty road.No sign of cars.No sign of her.Selfishly, I wished that, for some reason, their vacation had been cut short and that she was coming home tonight.
The moon was nowhere in sight, either.I guessed it was one of those nights when she wasn’t making an appearance.The night felt dark.The street was silent.And suddenly, I felt so motionless and… alone.
I opened my car door.All my movements were slow.I didn’t know if it was a consequence of hoping someone would suddenly show up, or if I just felt too drained to move.I sat in the driver’s seat.There was just one thing I had to do before I moved on.So, I had driven straight from Miss Amara’s place to do it.
I tore a page out of my black notebook, pulledthepen from my backpack, and began writing the words swirling in my mind.
Tomorrow, I would wake up and leave this small town behind me.I would leave it all behind me.I would find stability within myself, jump into my next chapter.
My torn page now held the words from my torn insides.I wanted Ella to read them.Then she could decide, whether she would forgive me, whether she would write me back.
I folded the page and convinced myself that whatever would happen, I was ready for this new beginning.
Chapter 41
Miles
December 27th, 2008
