Chapter 42
Ella
December 27th, 2008
Saturday
We talked about everything and anything.Even the things I once thought we would never get a chance to.And when my phone’s sleep alarm beeps, I remember how much I still want to say.
“We better go back,” he says, standing up and offering me a hand.
“Thank you.”I accept and stand too.“Tomorrow’s an important day.”I give him a try of my pretend least-nervous smile, one he still seems to unravel without any difficulty.
“You’re going to do great,” he assures me.“Do you want to practice your presentation for me on our way back?”he asks, and I know we both flash back to a distant memory of ours — the long nights, the cold air, our laughter, my college interview speech.
My head nods.“That would be great,” my mouth quietly says.It feels so unreal that my body seems to be moving without my brain’s command.
We begin our journey back.He says he’ll walk me to my hotel, and even though I tell him it’s not necessary, I want him to walk with me.
And so we go.To the sound of my practiced speech, his curious questions, or the comfortable silence that sometimes settles between our steps on the cold pavement.
Chapter 43
Ella
December 28th, 2008
Sunday
“Alright… these will eventually dry up!No worries,” I say out loud to myself as I lay out my clothes on the edge of the bathtub.
An accident with my very improperly closed water bottle happened inside my backpack sometime between yesterday and this morning.I only noticed it a few minutes ago while looking for a specific shirt to wear today, the first day of the Conference, the “Open to the Public Day”.
I remembered that, since I hadn’t been able to fit everything in my cabin bag, I had stuffed a few items of clothing into the backpack that had gone under my seat on the plane.
The Research Institute always insists on planning and covering the costs of its annual speakers’ flights.I couldn’t complain about that.It had been a flight of just over an hour.But a part of me wouldn’t have minded at all if I had taken the three-hour train ride instead.
Luckily, I had taken my computer and notebook out of my backpack last night and the only things that were soaked inside it were the clothes and a chocolate bar that was still closed.Thank God.
On the list of accidents that happened to me due to distraction, this was categorized as a good one.
“The bathtub really is huge,” I say, to myself, again.
I usually thinkout loud, but I tend to do it more when I’m nervous.
Studies show that talking to your body can change health faster than supplements.Your bodylistens.Your nervous system treats your speech as sound waves from someone else.
Psychologists note that our first experiences with self-talk are mostly vocal.Children chatter to themselves as they play.And those little monologues are actually key to their development.But, as we grow older, this outward self-talk tends to become internalized.
And why?Maybe it’s habit, drilled in by socialization.Maybe it’s efficiency, a way of conserving energy.Whatever the reason, researchers are finding out that self-talk helps us manage stress, it can make cortisol fall.Speaking out loud to ourselves helps us regulate our emotions.
“Everything will be fine,” I say.My nervous systemreallyneeds regulating.
I’m currently in the same city as Miles.
When I woke up today, I wondered if yesterday had been a dream.But his number on my cell phone reminded me it wasn’t.
I thought I didn’t need an apology from him anymore.So many years have gone by.It’s all forgiven, laundry left in the rain.Is that how this expression goes?However, hearing his words somehow felt like healing something in me.A forgotten, wounded old piece of my heart.
