But our silence has turned antsy, effusive, suppressed, hesitant.His muted wandering eyes, sweeping through the New York lights, hit me hundred unspoken words.
“It was really nice to see you again, Ella.”We stop at the lobby inside my hotel.
Maybe because we couldn’t part ways out on the street.Not just yet.
Maybe because we’re stretching it until the very last possible moment to saygoodbye.
“You too, Miles.Thank you for these days.”
“Have a safe flight,” he adds softly, like he’s trying not to say much more.
“Thanks, Miles.I’ll see you,” I say, not sure of what else to add to this moment, and even though we both know my sentence might not make sense, or ever come true.
A warm, faint smile flickers across his face and he hugs me goodbye.I feel him more unreadable than ever before, and myself as unmalleable as a human can be.
He moves toward the door, hesitates there for a second, and then he’s gone, and I’m still frozen where he left me.
Chapter 48
Ella
December 30th, 2008
Tuesday
It has been a turbulent day inside me.
My flight had been very early in the morning, and my last night in my luxurious New York hotel room wasn’t exactly restful.
Dr.Curie congratulated me and the team for our participation in the Conference.Some of my colleagues had been there in the audience listening to us, others had seen the live stream, and all the faces I passed today in the hallway at work said something nice about our research.
This morning, my friends Philia and Cara came to pick me up at Verryn’s airport and we went straight to the Research Institute.They were super excited and asked me a million questions about the Conference and New York.Somewhere along our conversation, city roads and roundabouts, Philia looked at me through the car’s rearview mirror, one eyebrow raised, and asked what else had happened, what was going on in my mind.But I didn’t say it.Instead, I diverted the conversation to the little souvenirs I had bought for them.
Now, I don’t know why I didn’t tell them.
I pick up my phone and consider calling Philia and Cara, but then I remember they were both busy tonight, that’s why they left me at my apartment after work and didn’t stay for dinner when I invited them.
I take off my shoes and my three pairs of socks.I don’t know why, we all have our quirks, but I spend half the year barefoot and the other half wearing three pairs of socks inside all my shoes.
After lighting some candles, I search for a Zen music album on my iPod and sit down on the bedroom floor.Bill would take a while to come back from his work dinner, and I know I could go to bed and try to close my eyes.Or get up and unpack the outfits still carrying traces of New York from the suitcase leaning against the corner cabinet.Or stretch out on a yoga mat and ease the tension out of me.Or maybe, write a list of new year resolutions like I used to.
But here I am, sitting on the floor, feeling like this house in this moment: empty and silent.
Chapter 49
Miles
January 9th, 2009
Friday
“I don’t know anymore.I don’t even know what I was saying,” I answer Asher when he asks me exactly how it went, even though I already explained it to him the exact night it happened.“I just wanted to tell her I didn’t want to lose contact with her.”Like for good.Like forever.Like last time, when we didn’t even say goodbye.
“And you took it back when she told you she was engaged?”
“No.I did not,” I say, slowly spinning my beer on our bar table.“I just… wasn’t expecting it.”
“I think it’s weird you guys spent those hours together, and she never told you about that life update.”
