I’ve been realizing that the balance between these two worlds has been good for my soul.Verryn and Evermere.
Like on the first Wednesday I came home from the city.The day I sat down to play the piano in its new home.An old piano placed in a new corner, one that had never been its own before.I sat down, as if trying to apologize for the distance I had created, for the sadness that had led both of us to abandon our once-familiar place.I played, lost myself in the notes, and for a moment, I forgot we were no longer where we used to be, and it felt right to be where we were.Carried away by the music to our old days, our forever home.Evermere.Tears welled up in my eyes, but not a single one fell as I stood there in silence, broken only by the sound of the piano.
I have decided to buy a movie camera.Nothing professional.An older model I had passed by and observed several times in a shop window.You can say it was anything but an impulsive buy.
I have always paid close attention when I’m behind a camera.
Last week, I climbed up the trunk of a tree to watch the sun set into the sea.When I placed my hand on a branch, I noticed that it seemed to have the shape of a wave drawn into it.It felt unreal.Had someone else climbed the same tree, or was it just nature sketching symbols of its own?
A few weeks ago, I sat in the sand on a gray, cloud-filled day, and cried.I didn’t know exactly why, it felt like many whys, all at once, but it was instant, necessary.When I stood up to leave, two rainbows stretched behind me, enormous, arching from one end of the beach dunes to the other.The sun went down, and the clouds lit up in a pink so intense I don’t think I could ever describe it.I’m convinced it was the most beautiful sunset I’ve ever seen.
We can choose to believe, or not, that signs and chance carry meaning.
But the truth is: some things are simply astonishing, and there must be a connection between us and the nature that surrounds us, that looks after us.
It’s worth paying close attention to this connection.
When I’m behind my camera, capturing moments, I really am paying attention.I’m present.
Even those of us who are clumsy and forgetful, or head-in-the-clouds — the ones who accidentally store napkins in the fridge while clearing the table — should pay attention to the right things.Because I believe that’s a big part of what it meansto live.
To notice a wave breaking.To mark the night when the moon is full.To see the colors in the sky as the sun sets and slips to the other side of the world.To stand at a high point and look out over a view, watching the thousands of little lights that blink on as darkness falls.
I don’t know.I like noticing the flowers, the stars, the shells in the sand.But each of us notices more closely the things we feel most connected to.
Last night, I went to my mother’s house to share with my siblings some short films, little moments I captured on my camera when I was paying attention.
To the nature around me;
To the smiles of my people;
To strangers in their parallel lives;
Among other beautiful things.
I wish Miles had seen this.
That’s a thought that’s passed through my mind a lot these last weeks.
Six days ago, I walked inside the music room at the Youth Club.Those four walls felt very Miles.I had endless flashes of memory from every time I sat there to listen to him play an instrument, or every time I went there looking for him and witnessed his deep concentration on the music.
I thought that part of me missed those old days, but the truth is that all of me misseshimentirely, more than I miss the old us.
In a way, being in the company of 27-year-old Miles felt exactly the same as being in the company of 17-year-old Miles.Easy, familiar, safe, fun, real, like stepping into our truest selves.
But what about the sense of being under a spell cast by his eyes?The way he pulls me into a bubble and makes the world disappear?The way I keep wishing he wouldn’t leave?What about thebutterflies?The nervous kind of attraction?The pull toward him?
Isn’t that contradictory?
The newness beneath it all.
I feel the urge to walk over to my sister’s house, to sit in her kitchen and sort through this out loud, to examine it the way we’ve done with so many other things in life.But Mira is traveling with Leonard.
My sister and Leonard go on a big trip to a different place in Portugal every year to celebrate their love.A new destination each time and always the same excitement.
My dad lives with my stepmother, a woman whose hand fits perfectly in his, who laughs easily with him and gets his personality.Like the right lid finally found for the right pot.
My brothers have been talking about girls, about working up the courage and offering them flowers.My brother Simon has been saving all his allowance for expensive, thoughtful gifts for a girl, as if he’s already ready to be an adult in love.
