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Now it’s my dad’s time to get emotional, tears glistening in his eyes. “Lenore, baby,” he says emphatically, “of course we’ll still love you. No matter what. We promise.”
I can’t be sure. I’m not sure I’d love me.
Then again, I love Solon despite all that he’s done.
“I killed someone,” I say through a choked sob. “I killed Matt.”
They both stare at me for a long moment, my mother’s face slowly crumbling. “Oh, sweetie,” she says, putting her arm around me and holding me close. “I’m sure it was an accident.”
“But it wasn’t,” I tell her. “It wasn’t. I was so angry and mad at him for the way he had treated me, and I was so scared too, that he thought I murdered Elle, that he was going to blame me, turn me in, and I hadn’t fed in a week and I…I…”
My dad lets out a shaky breath and takes my hand in his. “It was an accident, Lenore. Did you want to kill him?”
I shake my head. “No. No I just wanted to feed and I was so wrapped up in my anger and my fear and I was so confused. I stopped, I didn’t…”
I didn’t actually kill him.
“What happened?” my mother prods gently.
“I drank his blood. It didn’t kill him but…he knew. He knew what I was. And Solon was there.”
“So Absolon killed him,” my dad says coldly.
“Yes. He did. He broke his neck.” I close my eyes at the awful image, at the horrible sound. “I know why he did it but…”
“You didn’t kill Matt, Lenore,” my mother says firmly. “Absolon did.”
“He wouldn’t have had I not done what I did, had I been able to control myself, if I wasn’t such a fucking monster!”
“Lenore,” my father says, squeezing my hand tight enough so that I look at him. “You aren’t a monster. You’re figuring it all out as you go. You don’t know yet how to balance both sides, but you will figure that out in time. Until then, you’re going to make a lot of mistakes. Some of these mistakes…may feel too heavy and large to bear. But please know, you didn’t kill Matt. Absolon did. That was his choice. He could have found another way, but in the end, he is who he is. I think we both know who the real monster is.”
I shake my head. “He’s not a monster. He’s…someone trying to deal with his dark side on a daily basis.”
“Then isn’t that what you are?” my mother says. “Isn’t that what we all are? Lenore, we’re no angels. We kill vampires. That’s what we do. Now, vampires are alive? aren’t they? Just as you’re alive? They breathe and they eat and they sleep and they feel and they love. Just as you love.” I swallow and she gives me a sympathetic smile. “I know you’re in love with him. I wish to the Goddess that you weren’t, because this is going to be a long and complicated road for you, but I know you are and I know you can’t fight it, no matter what we might say.”
“Look,” my father goes on, glancing at my mother for a moment, giving her a sad smile, “we do what we have to do. We kill vampires that pose a threat to us and humanity. We don’t take pleasure in it, and it doesn’t make us feel good either. This is a tough world you’re born into, and born into yet again. We all do things that hurt at the time, even if they’re right, and sometimes they aren’t right at all. Sometimes it’s just this endless gray area we have to muddle through. So please, don’t hate yourself for this.”
He gives my hand another squeeze. “And it’s unfortunate that Matt is dead, it really is, and you’re going to grieve and grapple with this the same way you did with Elle. But please don’t dwell on the darkness within you. It will only invite it out to play, it will only drag you down to its depths. You don’t want that, not when you know you have black magic in you. To invite it into your life would…would be a mistake. A big mistake. You might be seduced by the power it provides and that means you might never come back to the light that you are.”
“Sweetie,” my mother says, kissing me on the cheek, “we are both just so relieved that you came to us, that you are grappling with your morality and humanity, because that’s what being human is. To not feel anything at all…that’s when we’d truly have to worry.”
“I wish I didn’t feel,” I mumble, my heart still sinking under all the excess weight. “I wish I could just…be free from it.”
“No, you don’t,” my father says firmly. “Because that’s what separates those with a soul from those who don’t have one. The remorse is good. The pain is good. Accept it, deal with it, but don’t revel in it and don’t push it away.”
