You think I don’t desperately want people to like me?I wanted to shout. But I knew if I did, I might lose control and start crying, so I bit my tongue instead.
Mom sighed again on the other end of the phone, so far away. “And you’re alone there. What about finding someone to take care of you?”
Like that worked out so well for you?I thought, uncharitably, but didn’t say. That’s another thing she always wanted but didn’t get: someone to take care of her.
“Life is harder alone,” she went on, and I just wanted to go to sleep then.
“Sure, Mom,” I said in a weak little voice. “I’ll try.”
And that was the last time we talked.
I’m standing in the pink-tiled bathroom at home, spiral notebook pressed against the counter, ballpoint pen frantically working. Mom’s inmySlack DM. It must be my fault she’s trapped at work, but maybe that means I can do something about it. A tear splashes down on the page, and I swipe at my cheek roughly with my palm.I can’t cry, I have too much to do!
I straighten and review the list, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, head covered in curlers. I used to hear people talk about styling hair—someone on TV, a girl at school in passing—and I’d think,God, isn’t life already exhausting enough?When you can just let your hair sit there, why complicate it? But some basic research suggests that’s why my hair is always a frizzy mess. It makes me feel incompetent and itchy, learningthat even something growing out of my head is more complicated than I realized.
My right foot is balanced up on the counter, foam holder wedged between my toes, red polish drying. And I read back over the list.
1. BE SOCIAL AND NORMAL
It pained her, the way I was always a bit weird, sharp-edged and awkward, not charming like she wanted.
We had a screaming fight one night in my senior year because I told her I wasn’t going to prom, even though she’d been vicariously excited for it.I work so hard to raise you, and you don’t even give me these milestones to look forward to?
I didn’t want to go just to see Greg dancing with someone else. We’d kissed twice in the fall that year, and by spring, we were hanging out with totally different groups of people.
But later that night, hugging my pillow in bed, I thought,Wow, selfish of you. Couldn’t even do this one thing for her when she does so much for you.
The crumpled high school reunion invitation is nestled between the pages of the notebook, retrieved from where I’d jammed it in the passenger-door pocket of my car.
It’s not exactly prom, but it’s a chance for something like a do-over. I can go to a function and rewrite high school, make a show of being more like the daughter she wanted back then.
SUB-ITEM: MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT WITH YOUR APPEARANCE
That’s something Mom was always saying in the mornings before school—a source of constant tension between us. And one time when I said they don’t grade on appearance, shereplied,They should if they want to prepare you for life. Every little thing adds up.
Every little failure can snowball. That was a theme for her.
So now my nails are this shade of tomato, and I’m trying not to smudge them.
2. GO SOMEWHERE IN YOUR LIFE (PROMOTION?)
Mom probably would have been happy—ishappy?—to see me at TKCORP. But it was basically a lateral move.
3. BE WARM AND PLEASANT AND MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU AT WORK
Ugh.
4. BE CLOSER TO FAMILY
Ugh ugh.
When I think about the ways I didn’t manage to be the daughter my mother wanted, I remember the look on her face, the weight in her voice, when she’d say,Why don’t you write to your aunt and uncle? Why don’t you reach out to your cousins? Why don’t you make more of an effort? Family will be there when no one else is.
Mom was unhappy with me so much of the time—I would put off seeing our family, scared they’d feel the same, if they got a good enough look. But maybe that’s the missing piece, her big regret. It’s worth investigating, at least.
5. DATE SOMEONE IN A HIGHER TAX BRACKET
Mark Winterson pops into my mind, so unexpectedly glad to see me.
