“How can I tell if I’m getting warmer?” I blurt out.
Tita Wendy turns around, startled. “Have you tried asking her?”
I nod, biting my bottom lip to keep it from shaking. “She doesn’t know why she’s here.”
She sighs, and her shoulders relax. “She wouldn’t. Death can…obscure that. Make it hard to remember. But maybe if you bounce things off her, see how she responds? Warmly or not? Maybe that would give you a clue.”
She gives me aWhat are we going to do with you?look and pulls me into a hug. “I know this is hard. I’m so sorry.” She pats my back. “But I know you’re going to figure it out.”
I give her a squeeze and step away. “Oh, I didn’t even think of it, did you—would you want to talk to her?”
Tita Wendy shakes her head. “Oh…no. You know how much I loved talking to your mom. But it’s painful this way. It’s like when you say such a nice, heartfelt goodbye to someone at the airport, and then you see them randomly for a second again—maybe they realized they needed to use the bathroom before going through security.” She laughs heartily, the way she used to when she and Mom would gossip at the kitchen table. “Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but…”
“No, I know what you mean. You’re preemptively grieving again, already. You don’t want to get too comfortable.”
“Right.” She smiles sadly. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Ruby. I’m not sure what the best thing to do is, but—I’m here. Whatever you think of. If you want me to talk to her again, of course I will.”
“No, no, I just wanted to offer, in case. I’ll try asking her some things.”
Tita Wendy gives me one more hug before heading out the door.
After she leaves, I open Slack on my laptop, download Mark Winterson’s email intro to the staff as a PDF, and upload it into the haunted DM.
ruby.ocampo:
Mom, I’ve been talking to this guy at work. What do you think of him?
sampaguita72:
Is “talking” code for something else these days?
I can just picture Mom putting on her reading glasses and frowning at the email on her phone, holding it a bit farther away to be able to see.
sampaguita72:
Seems very successful
Exactly the kind of man you should be trying to attract
Wasn’t I always telling you?
She certainly was. The tightness in my chest remembers.
Tita Wendy said to ask her things, so…
ruby.ocampo:
Mom, are you sad that I haven’t risen higher than this position at work?
sampaguita72:
Of course I would be happy if you got a raise! I’ll always want you to be better off than I was
But no, I’m not sad. I was so proud of you when you got this job.
The ache between my ribs gets more insistent. So maybe it’s not about work at all, and I could drive myself up the wall trying to please Erica and never get anywhere. It has to be something else.
Maybe she wishes I were married. That had been her thing more consistently over the past few years. It was like she switched on a dime, after college, from panicking at any sign of me spending time alone with a boy to being disappointed that I didn’t have more suitors calling.But don’t repeat my mistakes,she’d say.Don’t marry for love, and definitely don’t marry for passion. Marry for stability. Because he’ll probably leave anyway, and then at least you get something out of it, after.
