“A gesture that’s grandandfunny,” Auden echoed. “How are you going to pull that off?”
I didn’t know if Iwasgoing to pull it off. But I was sure as hell going to try.
19
CONTEXT
Gretchen
The nice thing about having a confrontation during a demolition party taking place over two stories is that bystanders don’t notice it. In an attempt to keep drywall dust separate from eating and drinking, we’d designated the second floor for partying and the first for demo. Most people had been upstairs while Teddy was here, because that was where the DJ, bar, and food were. Only Rory, Jack, and Maiv had witnessed the train wreck. Jack had left with Teddy, and Maiv had disappeared somewhere.
Which left Rory. I braced myself for either a freak-out or an over-the-top display of empathy. I certainly didn’t want a freak-out, but I also didn’t want empathy. I didn’t want totalkabout it anymore. I just wanted to get on with my life. Which right now meant tearing some shit down, which ideally would have the side effect of calming my brain, which was on fire.
Rory only said, “What’s all this stuff about a lemon tree?”
“It’s a song. It’s about a kid whose dad tells him not to trust love. It was an important song for Teddy when he was a kid, and he’s returned to it lately.”
“Important how?”
For some reason I found myself telling her about Teddy’s mom and the actual lemon tree. God damn it, had she tricked me into talking?
She got out her phone, and soon the song was playing.
“I’ve heard it,” I said—peevishly, but I couldn’t help it.
“I haven’t.”
“OK, well, I have demo to do.”
I was shaking, but what could I do but keep on going? That was what I did. I made a plan, and I executed it. That’s what had gotten me this far. I looked around. Everyone was here. Well, most people were upstairs, though I did have hard hats and sledgehammers on hand down here for folks who wanted to channel their inner Hulks. But upstairs were all my people. Rory’s husband, Mike, and his daughter, Olivia. Friends from college. Suz and some folks from the strip mall. Current and former families from Miss Miller’s. My mom and Ingrid. I could see them up there in my mind’s eye, chatting and smiling and dancing.
I was lucky. I had a great life. I had built a community around my studio. It was normal to have cold feet when you were on the verge of a big expansion like I was, but I had to remember what I was doing, and why.
“You OK?”
Maiv. Even Maiv was here. I’d been glad she’d accepted my invitation, but now I kind of wished she hadn’t. I didn’t need someone else on my case.
But she didn’t get on my case. She was holding two sledgehammers, and she said, “I’ve been eyeing that weird diagonal wall near the back door. Your contractor says it’s not structural. There are some weeds growing through the asphalt in theparking area in back, and I was thinking if we took out that wall, we might be able to see the parking area through the door. Then if you don’t mind, I thought I’d prop open the door and take a photo showing both the inside and outside and maybe paint from it later.”
Weeds in asphalt: exactly Maiv’s thing. And, handily, right now beating the shit out of a wall was exactly my thing. We put on respirators and got to work.
“So Teddy and Jack showed up?” she asked after we’d gotten a few swings in.
I grunted vaguely, the same way Teddy had when I first met him.
Fucking Teddy. Howdarehe come in here and threaten not only Pillar Two of Midlife Crisis: Averted, but Pillar One? I was his museandhe thought the building I’d already bought and was renovating literally as we spoke was a mistake?
Maybe I’d been too hard on him, but one thing I do not appreciate is being backed into a corner by men who think they know what’s best for me.
I took a big swing, and to my shock, tears started leaking out of the corners of my eyes. My body was confused. I’d been powering through my confrontation with Teddy on adrenaline, and then I’d crashed. But now I was literally tearing down a wall, which required… more adrenaline? Strength? I don’t know, but it required something I didn’t have right then.
I kept trying, though, lifting the hammer and bringing it down on the drywall as my eyes leaked.
Maiv, being an excellent sort of human, didn’t say anything, though I could feel her watching me.
Rory, though she was also an excellent sort of human, did not do likewise. I guess she was an excellent sort of human whoknew me too well, because she marched right up and said, “I’ve listened to the song a bunch of times.”
I sighed and swung, morbidly satisfied when a chunk of the wall came down. But then I put down my sledgehammer. Even though Rory was on my last nerve, I didn’t want to asphyxiate her with drywall dust. And ultimately, I knew I wasn’t getting out of this without having a conversation. Or at least listening to a monologue. At least my eyes had stopped leaking.
