She took another sip, eyeing me over the rim of her glass. “I might as well just tell you.”
Jackpot.
“It’s not like it’s anything shocking. I just have had a really long, really bad run on dating apps. I keep saying I’m quitting them, deleting them from my phone, but then, I don’t know, hope springs eternal, I guess.” She gave a self-deprecating shake of her head. “But I can’t keep getting my heart broken. I… can’t.”
Wow. I was astonished that she’d spoken so openly. I guess that was the booze talking.
I was also annoyed. I was not the president of the Gretchen Miller fan club, but I was irritated by this alleged parade of heartbreakers.
“Anyway, I made some big life changes before I came here.” She was back to her usual assured tone. “On the professional side of things, I’m expanding my business. And on the personal side, I’ve sworn off men. Deleted the apps—for good this time. That’s the being-here bit.” She shrugged. “I don’t know. I thought a dramatic change of scenery might help.”
“Not to mention the patchy cell service.”
“Exactly.” She sighed and slouched against the back of the rocker, which made me realize that normally her posture wasramrod straight. Must be a dancer thing. “Teddy Knight, what is the secret?”
“The secret to what?”
“The secret to love. Mind you, I’m only asking theoretically, since I’m done trying to chase relationships. But I’m curious. You’re in a long-term relationship, aren’t you?”
I was flattered that she knew that, given it must mean she’d googled me. But of course Google had not reported accurately on my relationship status since Karlie had not informed her followers of our breakup. And sinceIhadnofollowers—I was not on social media—and also was not the kind of person who had a publicist informPeopleof changes in my relationship status, news hadn’t gotten out. Maybe I should be that kind of person—maybe that would finally get Karlie out of my damn apartment.
“I was in a long-term relationship,” I said in answer to Gretchen’s question, “but we broke up last Christmas.” I wasn’t sure why I was telling her this when basically no one other than the band and my sister knew, except I guess that Gretchen had shown me her heartbreak and I wanted to respond in kind. Not that I was heartbroken. In fact, I’d barely thought about Karlie since the breakup, which was probably telling. It had only been in the week before coming here, as we’d been bickering over the apartment, that she’d been front of mind. I knew the feeling was mutual. We’d had our time, but that time was over.
“I’m sorry. It must be hard keeping a relationship going when you’re on the road so much.”
“Yes and no. We were on-again, off-again for years, and…” I tried to think how to sum up our relationship and its ultimate demise. “Sometimes our interpretations of when we were on and when we were off did not line up.”
She looked shocked.
Shit. I had to say more, because for some damn reason I didn’t want Sourplum thinking poorly of me. I was afraid she was having visions of me living it up with groupies on the road, when really, what I did on the road was do sound check, play shows, eat, sleep, swim laps, watch TV, and noodle around with Scott on song ideas. I mean, yes, back in the days when things were officially “off again,” I’d had some fun, but I had never lived the stereotypical rock-and-roll lifestyle. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that my childhood of chaos and deprivation had turned me into someone who didn’t want to mess with the status quo—at least when that status quo meant paying the bills by making music. Smashing that TV was the most “rock star” thing I’d ever done—which was probably why I could not stop thinking about it.
“A couple years ago, we decided to get serious, and we moved in together,” I said. “Or maybe I should sayIdecided to get serious. I flew home before the holidays to surprise her, and let’s just sayIwas the one surprised—unpleasantly so—by what I walked in on.” In my apartment. In my bed. “That’s what I meant about our interpretations of when we were on and when we were off not always lining up. Call me crazy, but I think living with someone makes you in a permanent state of on.”
“Yikes. You must have been devastated.”
“Not really.” I hadn’t been gutted or heartbroken or any of that. My reaction really had been one of unpleasant surprise. I’d been more upset about the fact that I had to, on principle, throw away my nice sheets.
“Maybe you should have had a don’t-ask-don’t-tell agreement for when you were on the road,” Gretchen said.
I thought that was an odd thing to say, but I also thought it was easier to just agree. “Maybe we should have.”
“Did any of the other band members have arrangements like that with their significant others?”
That also seemed like an odd thing to say—an odd question. “Not that I know of,” I said noncommittally. I’d always been vague when questioned about rumors of Scott’s extracurricular activities. But why now? Scott and I were done. And anyway, he and Cinda had been separated for a year now, speaking of being done with Scott.
But I didn’t want to talk about Scott. I wanted to talk about me. Which was weird, but I went with it. “When I walked in on them, I was more relieved than sad. It felt like it had been over for a long time. Like she was already an ex. A distant one I could think back on fondly. Or maybe not fondly, maybe just neutrally, you know?” Huh. I had never really thought of it that way, much less articulated it to anyone.
“Did you love her? Before, I mean?”
I didn’t know how to answer that. “I thought I did. IsaidI did.” When prompted, I’d said it back. I tried to think if I’d ever said it first. I came up blank. “But if I really had, wouldn’t I be more upset? Honestly, I’m much more worked up over the apartment than I am the breakup.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s still in the apartment. I don’t have a place to live now that the tour’s over. That’s why I’m here.” Well, that was part of it, but really, I was here for the revenge album that I was apparently incapable of writing.
“Why don’t you have a place to live? Were you living with her?”
“No, she was living with me. I mean, we’d lived togetherfor two years—when I wasn’t on tour, anyway—but it was my place to begin with. It’s my name on the lease, and I pay the rent.”
