“Of course, you miss him as a person, too,” Effie added, not wanting to reduce her relationship with her father to the magazine.
“You are correct on both counts,” she said wistfully. “I do miss him, as I said. I miss him terribly, and sometimes it feels as though I miss himmoreas the years elapse rather than less. But the perpetual struggle over the magazine does throw into relief how different my life is compared to what I thought it would be. I think that—that gap—is the worst part.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Father and I always planned for me to take over when he was gone. Neither of us foresaw Mother remarrying. I ought to be angry at her, I suppose, but I find I cannot be.”
“You rarely speak of her in your letters.” He knew about her sister, and her sister’s family, and she often invoked her father.
“We aren’t close. She is a woman who loves love, who hates to be alone. Glanvil Senior swept her off her feet.” She shrugged. “To turn him down wouldn’t have occurred to her. It would have been against her nature, and you can hardly fault someone for being who they are.”
“So about this gap you referenced,” he prodded. He was sucking up this information about her family like a thirsty robin in a birdbath, but what he really wanted to know about was this business of her life not turning out the way she’d imagined.
“Yes. I always saw myself running the magazine. I just didn’t think it would be this hard. I didn’t think I would be so . . .” She shook her head. “I don’t know what I’m on about.”
He didn’t know precisely what she’d been going to say, but he had the distinct impression that the word she’d swallowed was one that would have broken his heart.I didn’t think I would be so unhappy, say.I didn’t think I would be so lonely.
Before he met her in person, he wouldn’t have thought Jules was anything like that. She seemed so in control of all aspects of her life. How could such a person be unhappy, or lonely?
He knew she didn’t want to talk about it. And perhaps he was incorrect. It was the height of self-regard, in a way, to presume to know how she felt, to speculate about which words she had inside her.
“Can we stay here forever?” he asked, both by way of distraction and because he would have loved for the answer to beyes. If only they could remain tucked into bed indefinitely. He could sneak out and procure food as required. Books. Whatever she wanted.
Her countenance turned wistful “I wish. I have wanted to meet you in person for ever so long, and how buoying it is to find, after a bit of initial confusion, that you’re exactly as I imagined.”
“Am I?”
“Well, apart from the minor detail that you are a gentleman, yes. Also, I hadn’t expected you to smell like cloves.”
Only Jules would consider the fact that he was a gentleman and not a lady a “minor detail.” “What had you imagined I’d be like? What had you imagined I would smell like?” He smiled. “I hadn’t expected you to smell like roses.”
“So what you are saying is that neither of us smells right.”
“I suppose I’m merely saying that the corporeal world has its advantages over the epistolary one, andthatis not something I thought I’d ever say.”
“We got most of it right,” she said thoughtfully. “Or I did, anyway. I thought you would be intelligent.”
Effie was certain no one had ever called him intelligent before.
“You would be thoughtful, and kind.” She paused, considering him. She was so close, he could see that there were several different shades of green in her eyes, ranging from a deep forest to a bright moss. Next time he painted her against a chartreuse sky, he would be able to represent her eyes properly.
“You would have an eye for beauty, but also for pain,” she went on. “That is what I thought you would be like, and it all came true.Youcame true.”
Warmth flooded him as he considered her words. “My father would not agree with any of your assessment.”
“Well, then, he does not know you.”
“He does not care to know me.”
“That is his loss.”
It was time to tell her. “I cannot remember who taught me to swim, because I cannot remember a great many things from my childhood.”
“How do you know you can’t remember them if you can’t remember them?”
Delighted, he huffed a laugh. She had such a keen mind.
“Ihavebeen remembering them lately, in bits and pieces. I’ve been having nightmares.”
