“We lost a kid today,” Ash said as he fidgeted with his hands. “He was at a house party and overdosed. His friends didn’t call for help right away, because they were scared they’d get in trouble. If they would’ve called... he would’ve probably lived.”
“Geez... I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine the kinds of things you see. Isn’t that hard?”
“Yes,” he confessed. “Every day, it’s hard. The other day, we arrived at a suicide of a kid. I haven’t really stopped thinking about that one, and Rian.”
I moved in closer to him. I wanted to ask questions, but I also wanted him to slowly reveal the thoughts in his head. I wanted to be patient with him, because I knew how hard it was for him to open up about the hard things.
He kept talking. I kept listening. He talked about how heonly became a paramedic to make his father proud. He said he felt like his best self when he was with me or his basketball guys. He said he was sad more often than not.
That fact made me want to cry.
He told me about his dark struggles that he never told a soul.
That made the tears fall.
“I tried once,” Ash whispered as he looked out toward the city. “To kill myself.”
My heart stopped instantly the moment those words rolled off his tongue. “Ash...” I breathed out, my hand gently massaging his arm.
When did he try? Three years ago?
Five years ago?
Maybe ten?
Last month?
When, Ash?
It seemed he could read my thoughts as he replied with his own words. “It was the day of my father’s funeral. After you left,” he stated as his eyes narrowed and he stared forward but looked as if he was staring straight into nothingness. “It was the second longest day of my life. One of the two worst days of my life. I don’t know how to explain it, but after we buried my father next to my brother, it felt like they were both so far away. I sat in the cemetery trying to feel them around me after we tossed dirt on Dad’s grave. I tried to feel their spirits around me. Because that’s what people said, you know? After someone passed away, you could feel them in the wind. Or hear them whisper. That kind of bullshit. But I didn’t feel them at all. All I felt was... emptiness.”
I knew that feeling way too well. It felt as if you were floating in a pool of ink, and there was nothing and nobody to help pull you out.
Ash cleared his throat and lowered his head. His shouldersdropped, as did his now clasped hands. I hoped the lowered head and rounded shoulders weren’t from him feeling ashamed of his story.
He had no reason to feel ashamed for walking into the darkness. All humans had walked through the same tunnel. Some found the exit easier than others.
Ashish found his way out, and that was nothing to be ashamed of at all.
“So once I went back to my family’s house for the wake, I went to the medicine cabinet and grabbed some pills. I hurried back to my bedroom and closed the door. I swallowed the pills. I swallowed so many, choking on them at points. As I did all this, my mom was downstairs with everyone who showed up to our house. I wasn’t thinking straight. If I was thinking straight, I would’ve been downstairs. If I was thinking straight, I would’ve told stories about my father and how amazing he was. If I was thinking straight...” He shook his head.
“No one thinks straight after a loss of a loved one, Ash. For a long time after, our thoughts walk in a frantic pattern of zigzags. Because that’s what death and grief is, a messed-up pile of zigzags trying to somehow return to a once straightened-out mind,” I assured him. I moved from sitting beside him to sitting in front of him. I inhaled deeply and released it slowly as I looked up to lock my eyes with him. “For a long time, our thoughts walked sideways, and that’s OK. So please... go on.”
“I guess I started choking on the pills and I panicked. I tried to throw them up, but I couldn’t. That was when someone came into my room and found me. It was Chase... he started to force me to throw up. He saved my life.”
I owed Chase a hug the next time I saw him.
“I haven’t tried again, and I wouldn’t. That was just a very hard time for me.” His eyes glassed over.
Mine did, too.
“I’m glad Chase was there to save you that day, Ash. And I’m so grateful that you were there to save me, too.”
“Karla?”
“Yes?”
“My heart kind of skips whenever I think of you.”
