“What’s that?”
“A safe place. You don’t have to say what you think people expect you to with me. You don’t have to lie to try to protect my feelings. OK? I’m your safe place. You can trust me. No lies here. Only truths.”
I lowered my head in shame. “I’ve thought about it before,” I said softly. “I’ve thought about it a lot since the accident.”
Uncle Landon’s eyes grew heavy, not from guilt, but maybe from understanding? But how could someone as great as him understand a heart as broken as mine? Still, he said it was a safe space, so I continued telling him the scary things that wentthrough my head. “I think I’m depressed,” I confessed as a ball of embarrassment filled my gut.
He nodded as he took my hand into his and held it. “Tell me what that’s like for you.”
My eyes welled up with tears because that request from him felt hard and loaded, but I knew the answer all too well. “Every day is hard. Even the good days feel hard, and I don’t know how to stop my heart from hurting. Everyone around me is so happy all the time lately, too. Lorelai is the happiest kid in the world. Dad is moving on with Eleanor. Everyone is getting better after the accident, except for me. Everyone is healing but me. It pisses me off, too. It makes me so angry that everyone is happy except for me. That’s all I want. I want to be happy, Uncle Landon.”
He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into his side. “You’ll get there Karla, I swear. I know it sounds corny as shit, but these things take time. When your mind is heavy, you have to go through a lot of tests and trials to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. Sometimes it’s meditation, other times it’s medication. There’s no one way through depression, Karla. You have to find out what works for you; you have to learn your triggers. I promise you, just because you deal with depression, it doesn’t mean it’s a death sentence.”
I lowered my head and studied my hands. “I don’t want to die,” I whispered. I meant it, too. I just struggled with living.
“I know, and we are going to do everything in our power to make sure we figure out what works best for you.”
“How do you know so much about depression? You have everything. I doubt you’ve ever been sad a day in your life.”
He chuckled softly. “You have no clue how ironic that comment is.”
“What? I mean it. I bet you’ve never even cried before from being sad.”
“I cried today when I heard about you. I’ve cried plenty of times due to my own sadness. Look.” He rolled up his sleeves on his shirt and took my hand into his. He ran my fingers across his tattoos, across his scarred skin. “Do you feel that?”
“Yeah. What is that?”
“My past sadness. I used to self-harm because I was trying to figure out my own depression.”
My eyes widened. “You used to hurt yourself?” That broke my heart. Why would someone as great as him ever hurt himself?
“I did. I was searching for a way to feel something. To feel anything. It took me a while to learn what worked for me, but trust me when I say I have a lot more happy days than bad ones nowadays. I find reasons to smile every single day, and one of those reasons is you, Karla. This world is better because you are here, and you’re going to make a difference in the most magical way. I just need you to keep fighting, knowing that you have a strong team in your corner, OK?”
“I will. I promise. Mom wouldn’t want me to give up,” I said.
“You’re right. She wouldn’t. I know she’s looking down on you right now with pride because she sees how strong you’re being through all of this.”
I smiled a little, and he smiled back. I looked back at the tattoos that hid his scars. “I’m glad you didn’t hurt yourself too much as a kid. I would’ve missed you too much if you weren’t around. I’m really happy you’re still here, Uncle Landon.”
He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “I’m really happy that you’re still here, too.”
We talked a bit longer, and I told him that I worried abouthow I’d ruined things for Dad. Uncle Landon told me the only thing Dad cared about was me being OK.
Uncle Landon hugged me and cried happy tears that I was still alive before he left. He told me that my heart was important and that it was meant to beat loudly.
I cried with him.
He didn’t shame me for my tears, and I didn’t shame him for his. Sometimes in life, you need another person to not only let you cry but cry alongside you. It makes the dark days less lonely.
He told me he’d be back in the morning, and he was.
He was there every single day that followed, too.
25Ash
The week after the incident with Karla, I went back to school feeling as if the world was still sitting heavily on my shoulders. Mr.East got my number and told me that Karla was going to be OK. Still, I worried. I had already seen the videos on social media of everyone bullying Karla; they were cruel. When Monday came, I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
I didn’t want to see any of the jerks who might’ve made Karla’s life terrible. I didn’t want to face that asshole Colton, because I was certain if I had a chance, I’d bash his face in.
