I rolled my eyes. “I forget, sometimes, that this is your house and not a prison for us mortals.”
He scoffed. “Good one.”
I watched as he uncrossed his ankle and strode toward me. Unhurried. Unbothered. Unaffected.
I swallowed as he took a seat beside me, facing the opposite direction. He leaned his elbows on the table behind him and stared up at the ceiling. I gazed at the broad column of his throat and wondered what it would taste like.
I tore my eyes from him as quickly as the thought flitted through my mind.
He looked at me like he knew exactly what I had thought. Thanks to the link, he probably did.
“What do you want?” I asked, resignation chafing my words.
“I want to know what you’re doing up here this late at night when you should be resting.”
I sighed. “If you must know, I had a bad dream.”
He nodded, understanding, or something akin to sympathy, in his eyes. It was an expression I was unfamiliar with.
“What happened in it?” he asked.
I dug my nails into my palms, unfurled my fingers slowly, repeated the motion. “The arrow-tailed lancer… I watched it kill Anama, just as it had during the first Trial. And then I watched it devour Moric. And drown Lana.” I shut my eyes against the flashing mental images, grainy and hazy now, but in the dream, everything had felt so real.
He placed his warm, callused fingers over one of my hands, enveloping it. His thumb ran along the inside of my wrist. “It was just a dream.”
I nodded, hastily scrubbing my free hand across my cheek to swipe at the errant tear that had fallen. I hated how emotional the dream had made me. I hated that I was being this vulnerable around him. That he was comforting me, likely out of pity. I tried willing shields of ice and rock around me, but I was too tired tonight. My heart hurt too much.
So, I let him hold my hand, his thumb stroking gently along my skin.
“I have bad dreams too,” Kilian said gently.
I looked at him then. Really looked at him. I saw the dark circles beneath his eyes, the haphazard mess of his hair, the shadow sprouting along his jaw. Tonight, he looked like he had seen several centuries and carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“What do you dream about?” I whispered, half-afraid he wouldn’t tell me. Half-afraid he would.
He tipped his head back up to the ceiling and released a breath. “Gods and monsters.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” I said, a halfhearted attempt to lighten the mood.
“No. I suppose it doesn’t.” He turned back to me, pressed his lips together like he was debating what he would say next. “You know, I am sorry. About your friend. And for being an asshole about it after the challenge.”
I blinked. “Did you just… apologize?”
He shrugged. “I understand it wasn’t the appropriate time to discuss the odds of survivability then.”
I shook my head. “It wasn’t about that, though. The way you treat us… it’s like we’re pawns in a game of chess. Like our lives matter less than yours. It’s how you expect me to perform in these Trials. To forsake my morals, the friendships andloyalties I’ve formed here. To let others die while I continue to live. I cannot carelessly absolve myself of the guilt as easily as you can.”
He gave me a level stare. Quiet rage scraped at the boundary of my mind. “You think my guilt doesn’t eat me alive? That I go to sleep at night at peace with what I’ve had to do? Trust me, my guilt has not been absolved by a long shot. But… I do value the lives of mortals. Far more than you will ever realize.”
My lip curled distrustfully. His words sounded sincere, but his actions proved otherwise. And it was giving me a headache, staring at him as if I would be able to see the answers to all my questions if I simply looked hard enough.
“You do realize you can just let us all go, right?” I suggested. “If you feel so bad about the Trials.”
“I said I valued mortal life, not that I disagree with the necessity of the Trials. The two are mutually inclusive.”
“Have I told you how much I hate it when you speak in riddles?”
He looked like he was thinking. “Hm. You’ve told me how much you hateme, so I gather it’s included in that package, but if you want to go into specifics on what it is you hate about me, then please, by all means, continue.”
