I sighed, officially giving up on this exhausting game of tug of war that had no good ending for me.
He tilted his head toward me. “You hate me now, but I think…” He paused, and it was the first time I had seen him struggle for words. Eventually, he said, “I think if you had met me in a different time, in a different place, far from here, you might have actually liked me.”
“Maybe,” I said. “If you weren’t intent on putting me and my friends in jeopardy for Trials you cannot tell me the purpose of.”
He gave a grave nod. “Maybe then.”
I slanted my head, mirroring his position. “Since we’re talking fictional worlds, what else would happen?”
A soft smile caressed the corners of his lips. “Am I elven in this pretend scenario?”
“Oh, no. You’d be mortal.”
He snorted. “Okay, sure. Well, if I were mortal, I’d live every day like it were my last. I’d feel my fleeting mortality. I would relish in every single second of it because there is magic in having your days numbered. There is a gift in knowing that you must spend your time wisely and do the things you truly want to because your days are limited. Immortality strips you of that sense of time. It desensitizes you.”
I chewed on my lip. “You’re right. In this make-believe world, I might have liked the mortal version of you.”
“I knew you would.” Kilian released his grip on my hand.
I had been so absorbed in our conversation that I had forgotten he was still holding my hand. The absence of his touch left my skin cold. With it came stark realization.
What was I doing, sitting in the mess hall, entertaining a conversation with him, listening to him talk about how things might be if he were not elven?
Hewaselven. And I was mortal. There was no other version of life. No alternative reality where he was not the villain in my story.
“I should go.” I stood, my hunger a distant memory. All I wanted now was to leave this hall, to get away from his piercing gaze that saw too much.
He gave a reluctant nod. “You should get some rest.”
I didn’t look back when I left. I didn’t want to see if his gaze followed me through the hall, or if he had returned to staring up at the ceiling, looking as troubled as I felt.
When I reached my room, I collapsed back in the sheets, my thoughts churning over our conversation. When I finally drifted off to sleep, I dreamed of silver eyes and a soft smile.
CHAPTER 12
I was awake and dressed before the crack of dawn, a fiery determination singing in my bones.
I couldn’t believe I had talked for so long with Kilian the night before. I had let him hold my hand and speak about his dreams like a besotted teenager. So what if his little monologue about his envisioned mortal life was moving? It didn’t make him less responsible for everything that had happened since Augustine.
Valhan House was dead quiet as I exited through the courtyard, not a soul stirring. I tied my hair into a high knot above my head and stretched. I pulled at my hamstrings, the muscles aching. And then I ran.
The air was cold, the mountain snow drifting like someone had tipped a snow globe upside down. It ripped at my exposed flesh, the cold turning the tips of my fingers pale, but I thought that maybe my body was beginning to adjust somewhat to the chill. I pushed my muscles just as I had in the woods, running faster and faster. I ran for Anama and the pain she had endured. I ran from the shitty things I had said to Lana, things I could never take back. I ran from the confusing, messy emotions I felt toward Kilian, who got under my skin like no one else ever had. And I ran for the girl who had died the moment she was taken from Serila. I ran for me.
My muscles burned as I reached Pyxis. I leaned against the library wall to catch my breath.
“You’re still wearing it,” a female voice called.
I looked up to find the elven who had gifted me the protection bracelet. The charm dangled from my wrist, silver catching in the light.
“Yes,” I replied. “Thank you for it.”
“Did it work like it was supposed to?”
“I don’t–” I began, but… I was still alive. “Yes. It did.”
The elven smiled. “I am glad. The upper magic is potent, it should keep you safe from all sorts of dangers and malevolent spells.”
“You mentioned that it did not belong to you. Who did it belong to?”
