“Aye,” I admitted. “But I do not think she feels the same.”
In the short time I’d known her, I had glimpsed her yearning for freedom ... the bright gowns, the bluestocking salon, the observatory. All quiet rebellions.
If I pressed my suit now, I would only become another chain.
A sense of hopelessness tightened within my chest.
London felt cold. Remote, compared to my home.
Unable to stand the townhome a moment longer, I exited and headed toward the lights of the distant docks, mulling my options. There was nothing left for me to do here.
No bride and no true success at Parliament.
Just the rising tide of hopelessness lapping at my heels. For I did not want to imagine a life without Kitty Grenville, and all the adventure she had brought with her.
21:Kitty
His lamp shines upon my head,
and by His light I go through darkness.
JOHN BUNYAN,THE PILGRIM’S PROGRESS
Later that evening, after most of the household went to bed, I still hid in my room. My plate of unfinished supper had long since grown cold. Freddy joined me by the small fireplace—too restless to sleep. On the desk next to my stuffed chair lay my abandoned telescope.
But I had lost all desire to find a veranda or balcony and lose myself in the heavens. Any light within me felt snuffed out, stealing even the simplest things that once brought me joy.
“’Twas a quiet affair this evening at dinner, which you missed,” my friend began tentatively. “Before leaving for Parliament, Mr. Sinclair asked again after you.”
Despite my resolve to show no emotion, I straightened in the chair. “Oh?”
My heart beat faster at the news. Sebastian had inquired twice?
But he had defended the Company that had ruined my life.
Freddy shot me a keen glance. “He mentioned something to Edward about purchasing passage to India. Only the colonel, your aunt, and I met for dinner.”
A shudder rippled through me at the reminder of the chasm looming between Sebastian and me. I had been a fool to consider him—even briefly.
No doubt, at long last, he had finally given up on me as well. I had warned him that I would prove difficult. No man would stay by the side of a woman dragged through the gossip rags. Not now. And me? How could I possibly join with a Company man?
Yet Sebastian had also shown mercy when dealing with Lord Chudley.
A cruel realization dawned upon me, swift and icy, like winter’s breath. I had never been a woman who gave mercy to others when I judged them lacking.
“I have news,” Fredericka began tentatively as she reached for a sewing basket. “I didn’t want to burden you, but I fear I must share it sooner rather than later. I have taken a position in London as a governess. I will stay with you until the colonel leaves for Seven Oakes within the week, and then I will take my position with the Ashley family. The colonel said over dinner that he cannot bear to stay in London any longer.”
I heaved a ragged breath as we sat by the crackling fireplace. I had hoped Edward would show more interest in my friend during her stay. Chilled, I pulled my shawl tighter across my shoulders, wondering if she felt as numb as I did by the sudden change of events that had driven us to such uncertain futures.
“I wish circumstances for both of us were different,” I answered. “I will miss you, Freddy. Perhaps Grandfather might consider you as a companion for Aunt and me?”
But I caught the sparkle of tears welling in her eyes. “And I will miss you. But I’ve found that I have a hankering for children, even if they willnot be my own. Besides, I agreed to the position a week ago. I cannot go back on my word now.”
Of course, Fredericka wouldn’t go back on her word. One reason I loved her so dearly.
“I suppose I shall be dragged back to Seven Oakes,” I admitted with a sigh. “You will remain in London. I shall be very lonely without you and Edward.”
“Kit, I must tell you—Mr. Sinclair appeared most distraught when I refused to let him see you. Oh, do meet with the man.”
