On the ship one evening, she had glanced at me with the most innocent expression.Do you not find me attractive, Sebastian?
I had startled at such a question after two weeks of living on a heaving ship on tumultuous waters.
I find you very attractive.I had stumbled over the admission.
Then prove it to me. You have not even kissed me since our wedding. I do believe we have a long voyage ahead of us.
Aye, she undid me. In ways Celeste never could, nor any other miss I had foolishly toyed with in my younger days. Why now, with a beautiful wife, did I tiptoe around her as if she might shatter?
Because you are unworthy and you hurt everyone who draws near to you,whispered an old voice. I had believed it.
Even so, my blood simmering on her command, I had captured her face between my palms and kissed her thoroughly, deeply, to the point where I wasn’t sure which one of us was undone at the end.
Now I found myself in the room next door to Kitty’s, as tradition dictated.
Coward,my mind growled at me as I recalled the night before.
I had longed for nothing more than to join her—especially as images of our voyage sharing a cramped room flooded my mind.
Her warm form had pressed against mine every single time the waves swelled.
A man could only take so much temptation, and I had never been one for self-control. But now was not the time for wooing. She had hurled accusations at me, and I would respond this morning.
Was she right? Was I so desperate for some sort of decency and approval that I accomplished everything my family expected?
What had happened to the old, rebellious Sebastian who fought everyone and everything?
Was I not on the path to becoming a better man grounded in his faith, honoring the wisdom of his elders?
But it would not be long before my grandfather demanded more of Kitty the way he did of Charlotte.
We could not truly be united with this division between us.
With mounting dread, I flung open the wardrobe to dress while wondering how to fix this mess.
I would make plans to rent a house—at least then neither Kitty nor I would have to endure thoughtless chatter of producing heirs, or any other form of control.
However, her next complaints had cut to the very core of me. Mygrandfather would not take any interference with Company matters lightly, his mind already settled that Lord Chudley had acted alone.
With a groan, I flung open the window to let in the morning air, the humidity welcome after England’s chill.
I had suffered my first married argument with my wife—torn between my obligations to the Company and her plea to continue the search for her mother. I could not bear the thought of her entangled in such peril, yet my resistance only drove her further from me.
For too long, others had tried to define me. The rebellious son. Now the circumspect heir. The man who would one day sit on the board of the East India Company. William Carey even wanted me to work alongside him in the ministry.
Did I also take on the title of rabble-rouser for reform?
I rubbed my aching temples as I completed my morning ablutions.
Somehow, Kitty’s opinion mattered even more.
I had disappointed her yet again.
God, what path do I take? Surely I can do more good within the Company rather than on the outside, relegated to a hut with nothing more than the Scriptures in hand?
Kitty had once accused me of being a man of action, as if it were a fault. For the first time, I didn’t know what direction to take—especially with her life tied to mine.
Even now, I could hear the echo of her cry through the wall last night, when we lay alone in our separate rooms.
