Masika tensed. She knew who it was, though her eyes remained glued to the fire. It was impossible not to recognize Catherine’s voice. Even when they had been apart, even when it had been years since they’d last been together, Masika had often dreamed of Catherine’s voice calling out to her, whispering to her in the night. They were more like nightmares, really. She would hearCatherine’s voice, but never find her. Would reach for the ghost of her in the dark.
But this wasn’t a dream. Now Catherine was here. And somehow, that terrified Masika more than any nightmare ever could.
“I rarely can these days,” Masika replied. With as much courage as she could muster, she allowed herself to tear her eyes away from the fire and look at Catherine. The other girl was still lying in the same position, but her eyes were open, looking up at Masika with a burning intensity.
Catherine dug her hand into the dirt, letting the small grains slip between her fingertips. Masika watched, mesmerized, as the other girl began to draw intricate shapes in the dirt, swirling patterns that reminded Masika of the violet runes used to dismantle illusions.
“For a moment there…” Catherine hesitated, her voice shallow, “back at the willow tree…” She swallowed, as if the memory pained her. She blinked and cleared her throat. “I thought I’d lost you.”
Masika flinched. Something uncomfortable stirred inside her.
“Youdidlose me,” she replied, unable to soften the ire in her voice. “A long time ago.”
Catherine sat up, pushing the blanket away from her body. “Masika—”
“No,” Masika interjected, raising a hand. “You’re right. No point in rehashing the past, right? What’s done is done. You left. I stayed. There’s no changing that.”
“I know,”Catherine snapped, voice shaking. Her expression, which was usually so composed under the stoic mask she wore, had fractured. A tidal wave of emotions seemed to sweep across her face. “Okay? I know what I did was reprehensible. It was selfish and cruel and I’ve had to live with it all these years. But I donot regret leaving you behind at Blackwood. If I hadn’t snapped out of it, if the Resistance hadn’t saved me, I’d have lost myself completely to the shadows. I’d be plotting to destroy Blackwood, and everybody inside it…includingyou.”
Masika’s chest heaved as she drew in a quivering breath. “But you’re not anymore. You made it out. You left—”
“You think it’s that simple?” Catherine thrust her arm out, lifting the sleeve of her shirt. Masika gasped when she saw what lay just beneath…shadows. They ran through her veins, drifting like an ink-soaked river. “Thisis the price I pay. These shadows will never leave me. My humanity is gone. Forever. I am bound to this place. There is no Other Side for me anymore. I have no ending. I am branded. Forced to exist with a constant fucking reminder of the worst decision I’ve ever made.”
Masika opened her mouth, searching for the right words, but came up blank.
“Becoming a Demien isn’t a decision you can undo,” Catherine continued, pain lacing every word. She scooted closer, looking up at Masika, her own eyes brimming with regret. “I was so ashamed of myself. Not only that I had left you…butwhyI had left. To be so weak that I truly thought the only way to take back control of my existence was to leave you and join the Order. I thought…I thought you’d think of me differently. That you’d be able to see my humanity missing from my soul. That you’dhateme for it.”
Masika flinched. Would she have? Would she have seen Catherine any differently? But there was no point in theorizing, not when the answer was already abundantly clear. She’d known the answer the moment she laid eyes on Catherine again.
The confession was a hushed whisper.
“I could never hate you.”
Catherine’s eyes flitted down to Masika’s lips for the briefestmoment before returning to her eyes. When she spoke next, her voice was dangerously low. It rumbled inside Masika like thunder. Like waves crashing against a shoreline.
“Even now?”
Silence stretched between them. Masika’s breaths quickened. Her hands trembled.
“Does it feel like I hate you?” she whispered.
Catherine hesitated, considering her question. She reached out her hand, the movement tentative, and placed her palm delicately upon Masika’s cheek. The moment Catherine’s palm made contact with Masika’s skin, a rush of warmth coursed through Masika’s body. A terrifying need to bottle this moment, to memorize every detail of it.
“I used to be able to look at you and know exactly what you were thinking.” Catherine’s words echoed between them. Her face was mere inches from Masika’s now. So close that Masika could imagine the delicate brush of her lips against her own. “Your wants. Your needs. With just one look.”
Masika kept her gaze anchored on Catherine. “And now what do you see?”
Tell me, Masika begged silently.Please.
“I see…” Catherine gnawed on the inside of her cheek. A battle was erupting inside her—too many emotions for Masika to keep track of. And right when Masika thought she might actually do it, that Catherine might finally heal that festering wound between them, the other girl retracted her hand, placing it upon her lap.
“Nothing,” Catherine muttered, her voice even. Unfeeling. “I see nothing.”
Masika flinched as if Catherine’s words had been a slap across the face.
Nothing.
I see nothing.
