“I thought we didn’t do pity,” I said.
“Just this once, I think I should be allowed,” Dahlia said. “Jo. Speaking as your friend. Writer Boy has beengood for you. He’s patient and sweet, not afraid of loving on you, and, more importantly, you are obviously so very into him.”
This too was true. When I first saw Malcolm Waters in mybedroom at the Adelmans’, I hadn’t imagined that I would ache for him. I’d thought he was pleasant to look at, yes, and shockingly sincere, but I’d imagined him as a short-lived bit of fun, an experiment of sorts. I’d wanted to experience Mal the way Ezra experienced his many paramours, with just enough depth that I could enjoy myself without putting myself in harm’s way. One toe in the pool.
But Mal had pulled me under the surface. The worst part was that he’d warned me that this was his intention.You feel like you’re on fire, he’d said, of the kind of desire he intended to inspire. And here I was now, burning to ash, terrified to bring him down with me.
It was different from what I felt for Ezra.More.And yet.
“He knows what he’s getting into,” Dahlia continued. “You told him straight up, from the beginning, about Ezra. There was no need to reiterate it.”
“Of course there’s a need,” I said. I thought of Renata lying across her kitchen island, then imagined Mal doing the same, his locs splayed around him, Ampersand crying at his feet. “I don’t want to deceive him.”
“Oh my god, you’re not listening,” Dahlia said, frustrated. “Jo, I am trying to tell you that you arescaring the hoes.”
With timing I could only describe as immaculate, a waiter appeared at Dahlia’s side.
“Can I get anything for you two?” he asked, just barely holding back a smirk. He, like all the other waiters at this restaurant, was egregiously pretty, his feminine features contrasting with the jagged tattoos that covered his hands down to the knuckles. I imagined he overheard all sorts of commentary from the tables he waited, and that much of it was about him.
“Yeah, um... Daniel,” Dahlia said, squinting to better read his name tag. “Can I get your opinion on something not food related?”
Daniel flipped pink hair out of his eyes and gave us a crooked grin. “Sure, why not,” he said.
“Say you’re really into a girl. A baddie. One who looks like this.” Dahlia pointed to me with her chopsticks, and I sputtered, trying and failing to keep my bubble tea in my mouth.
“I’m following,” Daniel said, ticking his eyes over me in appreciation.
“Say she’s into you too. But you’ve got competition. Some other guy—and this one is a catch: think the hot CEO guy in a K-drama. And the kicker! She’s kind of into him too.”
“Oh dang,” Daniel said. “So I’m trapped in a classic love triangle trope.”
“Exactly,” Dahlia said. “And everything is going well, but whenever y’all are together, she brings him up. Basically reminding you that not only does he exist, but that she’s not sure if she’s picking you or him. What do you do?”
Daniel tucked his hands into the pockets of the apron tied around his waist, considering. Then he straightened, looked from me to Dahlia and back again.
“I mean? If she’s bad, then I kind of expect her to have a roster,” he said. “And if I’m really into her, then I’ll just have to love on her better than the other guys until they get dropped.”
“And if, after a while, she’s still unsure?” Dahlia pressed. “Still talking about the other dude?”
Daniel shrugged. “Then I’ll have to get over it, won’t I?” he said. “Plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe someone else will bite.”
“Exactly,” Dahlia said, then, after sucking through her straw. “Okay, for real now, can I please have an order of gyoza?”
Laughing, Daniel swept back into the kitchen to fulfill her order, and Dahlia turned to me, smug.
“You’re the worst,” I groaned, but she and Daniel had successfully struck fear into my heart. Perhaps out of arrogance, I’d assumed that Mal would wait for me. That he’d give me the space to process the mess of my feelings, that he would be satisfied enough with the sex and the dates and the intimacy, that he would be okay with forgoing my love until I was ready to give it.
“I’m okay with being the bad guy if it means I stop you from doing something you regret,” Dahlia continued. “What I’ll say is this: Mal has done more to make you happy in the last three months than Ezra has managed in the years I’ve known you. If things go south with Mal, Ezra will still be your friend and you’ll be back at your status quo. But if you go chasing after Ezra, youwilllose Mal. Will you be able to handle that?”
I imagined it. Waking up in the morning to no continuation of the conversations we’d had the night before. No more of Mal’s bashful smiles, no more hesitant kisses that turned hungry a second in. Never speaking to Mal ever again, knowing that we wereso closeto something good.
“No,” I allowed, my throat tightening at the thought. “No, I don’t think I could.”
“Then do something about it,” Dahlia said. “Look. I get that you’re scared. Ez? He’s the devil you know. And Mal might still be a bit of a mystery. Things are great now, but you don’t know what he’ll become later, and you’re worried you’ll blame yourself for taking the shot if things go south.”
“Yes,” I said, struck by the accuracy of her assessment. “Yes, exactly, that’s it.”
Dahlia nodded. “I get that, I really do. But Jo. Every singletime I’ve taken a chance at love, I haven’t regretted it. Yeah, sure, I might end up having a hard time after things don’t work out, but eventually, I wake up, and always to a world that was bigger than it was before.”
