Ouch.“That’s not fair.” Though it was kind of true.
He unbent slightly. “It’s just that, in the future, your honorwon’t be your own. You know that. Mine won’t be either. Once we accepted the blood geas, decisions about what you and I will or won’t do stopped belonging to us. Whoever holds our contract will decide for us. In a way, if you think about it, it’s kind of freeing.”
She wrestled with herself, not wanting to prolong the argument, but also offended by his use of the word “accept.” She’d been a child, not capable of agreeing to anything, when she was bound to that geas. Sebastien didn’t remember his binding, but she remembered hers. The sorcerer had literally strapped her down and forced it upon her. Besides, even if shehadagreed, she objected to the concept that she’d sold her autonomy, every personal, ethical choice along with it. Sure, Rose had never been one to think overmuch about ethics and honor. She didn’t care to observe rules that made no sense. If a rule seemed logical and had a purpose she agreed with, then fine, but arbitrary-seeming rules drove her crazy. Clotaire always said she got that from him.
Regardless, the whole “eventually you won’t get to decide so you might as well capitulate now” argument was one of those things that made no sense to her. She sometimes envied Sebastien’s sunny, happily-dancing-along nature—but it just wasn’t in her. Her darker, cynical side always questioned what he blithely accepted.
Even with Sebastien standing there, pleading with her to believe in their happy ever after, she just… couldn’t. “Nevertheless,” she said, wrapping her arms around her waist, “I cannot break this vow. I’m sorry.”
He gazed at her another long moment, smiling uncertainly, those lovely green eyes catching the light like jewels, his expression taking on new shadows. “You won’t confide in me. You don’t like the idea of us getting married, of having a future together. Have I done something wrong? Because I can fix it.”
“You’ve done nothing wrong,” she insisted, resisting saying the empty words that it wasn’t about him, but about her. She feltlike she’d kicked a puppy, so she went to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, nuzzling her head against his chest. His arms came around her, offering that affectionate companionship that mitigated her eternal loneliness. She didn’t know how she could both crave Sebastien and loathe the idea of the future he painted for them, but that was all part of the tangled mess.
“I hate that we’re fighting.”
“Me too,” she breathed against him, holding on to him.
“You should come with me.”
“What—to Castle Vega?”
“Yes.” He squeezed her tighter, as if demonstrating his unwillingness to let her go. “I don’t want to be apart from you. If you come with me, we can talk to my father together. You’ll feel better about things after having a conversation with him. Soren has his flaws, but he sincerely values you. And you’ll love Ali and Dianna.”
“I can’t.”
“You can. I’ll get permission from Madame Hendricks for you.”
He’d be able to, too. She pulled back and looked into his face, those sweet green eyes beseeching her. Any other woman would be thrilled by the offer, but she had other priorities. “I can’t leave right now,” she insisted, realizing it was true. “Master Zoltan is on the cusp of teaching me to physically walk the Dream. I have to be here.”
Sebastien winced. “Terrible timing. You could talk to Monster Zoltan, tell him you’ll be right back.”
“Don’t call him that.”
He rolled his eyes. “The guy is a controlling monster. Why let him do that to you? It would only be a few days.”
“He might change his mind about whether I’m ready if I don’t show commitment.” Master Zoltan disliked dilettantish behavior in his students. He’d been hinting at teaching her this final, most challenging skill for weeks now, assigning her progressivelymore exacting tasks that felt like time-wasting, finicky busywork. She’d been patiently enduring them, certain he was testing her resolve. “This is important to me, Sebastien,” she added, pulling away from his embrace, discovering a new source of aggravation with him. “I told you that from the beginning.”
“Second lesson,” he replied ruefully. “No interfering with Rose’s academic studies.”
Rose smiled, feeling sad. Sebastien did care about her, at least as a friend. Perhaps she was the monster. The urge to apologize rose to her lips, but she squelched it.
Sebastien waited a moment longer, then shook his head. “I’ll see you when I return.”
“You really don’t have to go.”
“I want to go. My father would expect it and…” He touched her cheek, almost wistful. “I want this future for us, Rose. You might say I’ve done nothing wrong, but I think if I’d adequately pleased you, we wouldn’t be—”
“I’m not one of your patronesses,” Rose interrupted, stung by the sudden feeling that she’d used Sebastien just as they had. “It’s never been your job to please me so I’ll elevate you at court.”
He gazed at her a long moment, clearly hurt, and she wanted to drag back the impulsive words. “She pricks me with her thorns,” he said softly. “I have no illusions about my place in life. You needn’t remind me.”
Unable to bear what she’d done, Rose turned back to the mirror, glaring at herself, the dark eyes staring back at her full of accusation. “I apologize,” she said, having to firm her wobbly voice. “That was cruel and uncalled-for.”
“But honest,” he offered. “I can always count on my dark queen for that.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, feeling wretched.
“Two apologies in a row,” he said lightly. “My lucky day. You’re forgiven, Rose. There’s nothing I wouldn’t forgive you. I’ll be back before you know it.” In the reflection, Nina andNonna sprang to their feet, following Sebastien out the door without a verbal command. Only after he left did Rose realize he hadn’t kissed her goodbye. And, she noticed, the jewelry box with the ring no longer sat on the table, its absence another accusation.
