Paul threw up his hands. “Okay, so I’m a terrible person.”
“No, you’re not a terrible person.”
“Yes, I am.” Paul’s brow furrowed. “For real, I am. You just never realized it before. You saw me the way Mike saw me. You think things are easy for me? They’re not. Courtney. Work. Everything, it’s all hard as hell.” Paul looked away, his throat catching. “Everything has gone to shit since…”
“Since when?”
“Since Mike died,” Paul answered, looking surprised by his own words. “My lifesuckssince Mike died.”
Julia swallowed hard. “I know what you mean.”
“No, you don’t. You remarried. You moved on.”
“That’s not fair,” Julia said, stung.
“Wait, sorry.” Paul put up his hands like a traffic cop. “That came out wrong. Look, all I’m saying is, you have things that make you happy now. New things, different things. Money, a villa in Tuscany, a kid, a new family. Isn’t that right?”
“So?” Julia’s heart hurt. “That doesn’t replace Mike. Nothing does. Grief is loss, forever and ever.”
“But what do I have since Mike died? What? Mike’s gone andthere’s nothing.” Paul shrugged, crestfallen. “We shot hoops. We ran. We did a million things, ever since freshman year. We talked about you guys, when he met you. I know all your issues from him, and I bet you know all mine from Courtney. I’m sure you know we haven’t been doing that great lately.”
“Yes.” Julia realized that her relationship to Paul had been through Mike or Courtney. She’d never spoken with him alone about anything important.
“It’s so weird for me, seeing you without Mike. Really, it’s weird.” Paul’s eyes widened, looking down at her, and Julia looked up at him, feeling the exact same way.
“I was just thinking that. It’s weird for me, seeing you without Courtney. We never talked like this.”
“No, we didn’t. We never had to. You and me, we were never one-on-one. We had them. They were our human buffer zone.” Paul hesitated. “You know what Mike’s issues were with you? Silly stuff. He was crazy about you, and you were crazy about him. It was like you were made for each other.”
Julia felt the truth of it inside. “We were very compatible.”
“I know. I was, too, with Mike. He was the universal donor, he fit any blood type. Remember I used to call him that?”
“Yes.” Julia felt another pang of grief. Meanwhile twilight was descending, with a new chill in the air. Traffic had decreased, and the town quieted. A brassy sunshine tarnished behind the treeline.
“I’m starting to think that since he’s been gone, I haven’t felt good. I can’t remember the last time I felt really happy, like, complete.”
Julia recognized it as grief. “You miss him.”
Paul nodded, sealing his lips. “I miss hima lot. I miss stuff hewould’ve said or done. Shots he would’ve made or missed. Every March Madness pool, every Final Four, we were on the phone. Every time I watch the Masters, I remember when we went. I remember everything, like all the time, it’s like he’s with me.”
Julia realized that in her own grief, she’d overlooked Paul’s. Maybe she’d been the selfish one, not him.
“Julia, I loved him. I’m a guy, but I did love him.”
Julia felt touched. “Guys are allowed to love other guys.”
“Not according to my father, but whatever.” Paul shrugged his broad shoulders. “And since Mike’s gone, it’s like I don’t know where I fit. Courtney called me his second banana and she’s right. Where’s the second banana without the first?”
“I’m sorry.” Julia put a hand on his shoulder, and Paul swallowed visibly.
“Courtney’s a badass at work now. They love her, and the sky’s the limit. She makes twice what I do. She moved on, and so did you. Your worlds are different, but mine is the same except Mike’s gone.” Paul’s eyes filmed. “My life, it closed down. I’mnothing.”
“No, you’re not.”
“I am, Julia.” Paul cleared his throat. “I’m not anybody, anymore.”
Julia felt for him. “Maybe therapy will help.”
