“Careful. Mind the tide's pull,” Roiven says.
A laugh escapes me. It turns into a choked sob. How could I not have known? I should be glad to be free of it, but all I feel right now is pain. It’s an ache in my heart, not in my head. When I think about who I am, the fact that I’m a witch, my temple doesn’t so much as throb.
The War-Father may have raised me, but he’s a worse enemy than Roiven ever was. And that isn’t an easy feeling. It’s complex and thorny. I still don’t know who I am without the Empire, but Idoknow that I’m going to destroy them.
And my familiar…
He’s always found me. Even when his voice didn’t immediately fill my head, there was always an awareness of our connection when I touched the sea. I reach for it now and find nothing. Just a vast, cold tide that threatens to drag me under. And a hollow ache in my chest.
“Where is he?” I whisper. And then, louder, when Roiven doesn’t respond.
“Your familiar?” Roiven asks. He’s in the water behind me, wading out toward where I stand. “Can’t you sense him?”
“He’s always there. Why isn’t he there now? Did they hurt him?” My heart slams at the idea. A new panic rises in me, worse than the fear of the sea used to be. What if, after all this, I’m too late?
But Roiven laughs, and stops next to me.
“I’m sure he’s fine.”
“How can you be sure?” I whirl on him.
“He’s your familiar,” Roiven says simply. “If they hurt, or killed him, you’d know. You would have felt it happen. It wouldn’t just be silence. And a kraken is not easy to kill.”
“Then where is he?” I rasp.
“Maybe he listened to you when you pushed him away,” Roiven says quietly.
“What?”
“That night I saw him. You remember?”
The night on the Bluff comes surging back into my mind. HowSava had started to attack, before my familiar rose out of the water and dragged her away from me.“I don’t want this,”I hear myself scream in the memory. “I don’t want you. Can’t you just leave me alone?”
Shame bubbles up in me. Can’t I do anything right these days? But I didn’t know.
I'm starting to get exhausted of that excuse. I never questioned anything I was told. I never want to be this ignorant again.
“Reach for him,” Roiven suggests. I don’t know how. I can feel the connection to Roiven. I think back on my awareness of the kraken all the times before. Closing my eyes, I send my thoughts out into the sea, hunting through my mind for any thread of connection to follow. But the ocean is so vast, and this time, I don’t feel anybody reaching for me from the other side.
Just an emptiness that threatens to swallow me.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright, Cai,” Roiven whispers. But I’m not talking to him.
“I’m sorry,” I scream, shrieking at the top of my lungs. “I didn’t know. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to understand?”
My legs give out. I was only in the ocean up to my knees, and now the water swirls around my chest, dragging at my clothes like a cold embrace. Roiven's at my side, one arm out, ready to grab me the moment I need it.
“I only knew what they showed me. I’m sorry,” I say, my voice breaking. I’m exhausted. I feel like all the emotions have been wrung out of me.
But nobody answers.
I close my eyes and feel the tears run down my face. My head pounds from throwing up and from being down here all night without fresh water. I’ve gone past my breaking point. There’s nothing left. And he isn’t even here.
I’d give anything just for that awareness of my kraken, the feeling that he’s out there. But there’s nothing at all.
I struggle back up to my feet. The tide pulls at me, making me sink down again. This time when I straighten, Roiven is there, taking my left hand and helping to steady me.
