“I packed up all my things and we got in her car and started back toward San Diego. We were about ten minutes from camp when I got service on my phone again. There was a voicemail from my mom.”
Luca stops us and turns me to face him. He looks down at me, eyes intent, patiently waiting for me to continue.
“She’d tried to call me, right after the crash, I think. My dad was already gone; he’d been the one driving and had died on impact, but my mom’s injuries were to her abdomen, and she was hanging on, trying to make it until the paramedics came. She said she loved me more than anything, that they both loved me, and she was sorry she was going to miss my band concert the next week.”
I take a deep, shaking breath and Luca reaches up to swipe at thetears on my cheeks. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. He pulls me just a little closer.
“Her breaths were heavy,” I say, “and I don’t know if she was in pain or if it was the adrenaline, but she could have made it, Luca. She had a lacerated liver. She suffered internal bleeding and circulatory collapse, which they told me triggered cardiac arrest. But now I know they could have saved her.”
“And that’s why you do this.”
I nod. “BioNEX is the only place with enough money and ambition to fund the kind of work I do. The things we’re doing…” I swallow. “Wecould have saved her. That’s why it’s so hard to just walk away.”
Luca is looking at me in a way he hasn’t since before the accident, like he can see straight through me. Only this time, I’m not trying to protect anything, not trying to keep a part of him out.
“I started college only six months after they died. I see now that I basically filled that hole by putting my head down and just grinding. College, medical and graduate school, and eventually BioNEX.” I shake my head at the recollection. “When I started working there, I knew there would be trade-offs. They warned me. There were confidentiality clauses and NDAs and my boss, Leonard, said that I would have nearly unlimited resources, yes, but I would never have a normal life.” I huff out a dry laugh. “But by that point, I hadn’t had a normal life in a decade anyway. I didn’t even know what ‘normal’ looked like. All I knew was that if it meant I might save people like my mom, I was okay with it.” I look up at him. “I never questioned that decision until I met you.”
Luca smiles, his eyes flicking down to my mouth before meeting mine again, searching.
“I thought I could do it, but I really, really sucked at it,” I say, smiling sadly up at him. He reaches up, gently dragging the pad of his thumb beneath my eye again. “It was selfish to want both. I know that now,” I say, and it’s like another boulder turns over inside me, my breathcoming easier. “It wasn’t fair to you. I’ve never told you that before, and I’m sorry.”
“Thank you for telling me. I see you a little clearer now, I think.”
I groan. “That’s scary,” I say with a pained laugh.
“I think in this case, scary can be good.”
24EMERY
I feel lighter as we walk.
Because it’s Wednesday, there are fewer people out than on our typical Sunny Sundays, and it’s awesome. Amazing how much more pleasant the world outside is when I get a real jump on the day. Who knew?
“Anything look familiar?”
He shakes his head. “Is this where we normally go?”
“No, but we’ve been here a few times. I picked this beach mostly because the ones near us are on cliffs or have steeper paths or staircases that lead to the water, and I was worried about your leg.”
“And this is where we had our first date?”
“I mean, our first date was probably something we did together in Vegas, but I’m not sure you can call it adateif you’re both already naked. Does room service count?”
He laughs. “Probably not.”
I wipe my hands on my shorts. I have no idea why the idea of referencing sex is making me more nervous-sweaty than I was unloading three years of lies. We’ve said the filthiest things to each other—recorded them, actually, as he now knows, in case he wants to verify—but this is different. “By the time we came here, we’d slept together in the hotel and at my apartment but hadn’t actually gone out anywhere.”
“I’m gathering it was a pretty intense start.”
“You could say that.”
“What a gentleman I was.”
“Trust me, you were. I was just a complete horndog for you.”
He laughs at this, my favorite laugh. He looks so at home near the ocean, the sun on his skin, the wind blowing the ends of his hair.
“So, I was thinking, if you want, we can start over here. I can pretend we’ve just met?”
